Tuesday, October 26, 2021

A Brief Rant

Just a brief rant here, then I'll move on.

After working out at the gym, the Captain sometimes likes to drive thru a particular McDonald's and grab a breakfast sandwich as I head home. 

It seems that after I work out, I feel the need to replenish my body with the unadulterated fat and sodium contained in every McDonald's meal.

This past Monday morning, after placing my order, the voice coming through the drive-thru speaker informed me they were out of orange juice.

This was the third time this has happened in recent months. 

The first time, the Captain just played along and asked for a small Coke instead.

Captain's Note: Coca-Cola is not a breakfast food. 

The next two times, I canceled the order and got out of line.

Oh, and one morning they gave me someone else's food.

So the Captain is officially done with that McDonald's restaurant. I have given them more than enough opportunities to get their act together. They were once the best of the three area locations. Apparently no longer.

Carry on.



Monday, October 4, 2021

It's (Still) Difficult Being a Woman


[I suspect the Captain'll probably get flamed for this "sexist" post, but you should probably just pour yerself another cup of rum and settle yerself down.]

By now you have probably heard all about the “algorithm” that determines what you see and don’t see on Facebook.

Granted, the Captain is not a tech wiz, but bear with me here. I think I've got it figured out.

As I understand it, the “algorithm” is a sneaky little critter that tries to guess what you would be interested in seeing based on other items you have been looking at.

So, for instance, if you do a Google-search for a used car – which I did a couple months ago - the next day you will be beset with ads for new and used cars.

Captain’s Note: I bought the car already! You can stop with the ads now!

One night the Captain mentioned a product to the First Mate while outside sitting around our campfire. Somehow Facebook was able to listen in on our conversation and the next day I had a dozen ads for hot tubs.

The Captain no longer assumes any illusions of privacy.

But I'll warn ya now, you should probably not come snoopin' around after we get our hot tub... savvy?

So the Captain decided to test this little algorithm.

An ad appeared in my news feed from Khol’s, a local department store. I had shopped there recently, so this came as no surprise.

The ad promoted several different items, so I clicked on the window showing women’s lingerie. 

Nothing fancy. A fairly plain pair of panties.

The next day, my feed was full of ads for women’s lingerie!

The racy kind!

Jackpot! 

Thank you, Algorithm!

Captain’s Note: I regularly click on one just to keep the images of pretty women popping up in place of all the ads for ivermectin, male enhancers, and the Republican Party.

I suspect they are related... just don't know why they would appear on my feed...

Last week this ad popped up promoting “Women’s Sleepwear”:


Befuddled, I wanted to ask the First Mate if women actually sleep in this.

What has this ol’ Captain been missing out on?!?

But on to my point…

This weekend we attended a wedding.

As usual, the anticipation brought about the First Mate’s angst of not having something to wear to the wedding.

I’m not sure what all that stuff hanging in our closet is about, but…

We long ago established that it is so much easier for men to get dressed. Basically, men’s fashions are limited to pants, shirt, coat, and sometimes a tie.

Colors may vary, but essentially, men’s fashions are... boring.

Fortunately, I was encouraged by the bride & groom to wear one of my trademark silk Hawaiian-print shirts.

You don’t have to ask me twice!

Captain’s Note: I had already decided that’s what I would be wearing anyway.

We were told not to fret: the preacher would probably be wearing a biker vest; the wedding was going to be at a biker church.

Nonetheless, we're not ones to let someone else’s poor judgment affect our choices.

Besides, it was unlikely the First Mate would be wearing a short leather skirt and black fishnet stockings to a wedding.

So she went shopping.

After several hours, she returned – empty-handed and frustrated!

She cried, “There are no clothes in the stores!”

"And especially fall colors!"

So I suggested the black fishnet stockings…

She replied, “No, that’s sleepwear…”

The Captain expressed some doubt about the stores being “empty” - the First Mate might sometimes "exaggerate" a wee bit when she is frustrated - so the next evening we went shopping together.

And mateys, I’ll tell ya, while not exactly “empty”, the clothing stores look a lot like the car dealerships right now.


Nope, that's a scene from the factory, where the 2021 models are sitting, awaiting the arrival and installation of an essential microprocessor that is in extremely short supply right now.

Car dealerships have been scrambling for months to find used cars to sell - shining them up and parking these 10-year-old bangers on the front line, spacing them about to make it look like there are a lot of them. And the prices for those are sky-high!

To make matters worse, the 2022 models are supposed to be arriving shortly - yes, the auto industry has lost an entire model year due to the pandemic - and still, no microprocessors.

Short on new merchandise, the clothing stores simply place racks of “clearance items” in strategic locations to make it appear they have stock.

Summer wear that didn't sell.

The Captain suspects the “perfect” dress is still packed away on one of those cargo ships parked off the shore at Long Beach, awaiting to be off-loaded.

We also noted a significant gap between the “Juniors” section - with all the cute, mid-riff-bearing outfits designed for the 18 to 21-year-old body - and the “Mother-of-the-Bride” dresses - which on no planet would ever be considered "cute".

Neither of which are appropriate for the First Mate.

After more than three hours, the Captain was feeling as frustrated as the First Mate!

I should have carried a flask!

The good news is, while it took all night, we finally found the perfect dress… hanging in our closet.

The First Mate looked hot, the wedding happened, and the lovely couple is now looking forward to a lifetime of marital bliss.

Friends, lean in her a moment for a word of advice: Cut your mate a little slack in these turbulent days. Yes, life is hard for all of us. But the expectations placed on women – who often don’t have the resources available to fulfill those expectations – is exponentially higher.

If she looks nice today, be sure to tell her.

It probably didn’t come easy.