Banana Winds

Really???

2012-02-11T10:37:00.000-06:00

Last night, the First Mate and I went to John Mueller’s “Winter Dance Party”, showing at the Carson Center.

The WDP is a recreation of the tour Buddy Holly was on when he, Richie Valens, and “The Big Bopper” died in an airplane crash.

John Mueller, a Buddy Holly impersonator, pulled together the tour in 1999 – 40 years after the original tour – recreating the original Winter Dance Party. They played all 11 venues in order, ending with the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa on February 2.

Creepy thought: I wonder if, on February 2, 1999, the three men got on a single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza 35 to fly out of Iowa?

Anyway, the new WDP was so popular, it is still touring.

It was an enjoyable show. Mueller did a great job re-creating Holly; Ray Anthony was able to get the crowd on its feet with his Richie Valens impersonation; and Jay Richardson, son of J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson, brought back to life the father he never knew.

Jay was born three months after the plane crash.

Perhaps the only improvement I would recommend would be the venue – it just didn't seem right that we were sandwiched into the stadium-seating of the performing arts center for the “dance party”. Seated shoulder to shoulder, there was little room to move, or clap, or dance.

Not that the Captain would have danced anyway.

I only saw one (large) couple move out into the aisle to actually dance, a move which I think annoyed many of those around them.

But this is a rant.

I’m not ranting about the way people around here dress for shows like this – like the guy who looked like he parked his big-rig on a side street and came to the show in his Carharts and workboots. No, I’ve given up on the idea that one should dress up a little if the ticket price costs more than dinner.

I miss the days when men wore tuxes and women wore evening gowns when going out “to the opera”.

Not that I’m old enough to remember those days.

But I’ve seen all the movies.

And listened to the soundtrack.

No, what bothered me more than the way others were dressed was their damned cell phones!

The women on either side of us were constantly on their cell phones!

The young hottie next to me was carrying on a constant text-message conversation with “Ryan”.

Yes, I looked! I wanted to know what was so damned important!

She would clap along with the performer, then suddenly stop and start texting – the light from her phone temporarily blinding me in the subdued lighting of the performing hall.

The woman sitting to our right – a person older than us – thought she could actually get a good photograph of the performance with her cell phone.

We were sitting near the back of the first balcony.

But her cell phone had a flash, so I’m sure the pictures were excellent!

These two weren’t the only ones. At the intermission, we saw ushers berating two poorly-dressed women who were attempting to videotape the show.

Arrrrrgh! There be Pyrats!

But phones and cameras were flashing throughout the night. A person in front of us was recording the performance on his cell phone.

I’m sure that will also be a quality production!

My question is, did they enjoy the show? The woman carrying on a text conversation with someone else – did you enjoy the show? The man holding his cell phone up throughout the performance – did you enjoy the show? The numerous people constantly taking photographs – did you enjoy the show?

Whatever happened to "being in the moment"? When did we lose the ability to put away the cares of the world outside and simply enjoy the show we have paid $50 to see? When did we decide it’s more important to have a fuzzy, shaky video to re-watch later on a 3” screen than it is to enjoy the show that’s right there in front of us?

Okay. I've said it. I’m done. I feel better now.

The Winter Blues

2012-02-04T09:59:00.000-06:00

What can I say. I’m sorry.

This blog has lost its edge.

It used to be fun, commenting on the quirky little tidbits that pop up in the news every now and then, finding the humor in the mundane.

But recently, I'm just not feelin' it.

For example, tomorrow is the Super Bowl, but the Saints are not in it this year, so, although I'll be attending a party, my heart's just not in it.

And, no thanks to the Today show, even the commercials won't be a surprise. They've been showing them all week long!

What's up with that!?!

But now, all that’s in the news is the campaign for the office of President of the United States. Sure, there’s plenty of fodder for humor among the Republicans campaigns, but the jokes are so obvious it’s not worth my time. Even the late-night comics are all using the same material.

Yawn.

Frankly, I wonder why anyone would want the job.

The candidates are spending millions of dollars to secure a job that pays $400,000 a year. The present slate of candidates will all take a drastic pay-cut for the privilege of “winning” the highest office in the land… perhaps in the world…

But still…

This year’s campaign is not even fun. Ignoring Ronald Reagan’s advice about not messing in one’s own backyard, the Republican candidates are tearing each other apart in a vain and desperate attempt to win their party’s nod.

Truth is, the incumbent President will have very little left to say about his rival.

And for one candidate to try to belittle the other by calling him “rich”… How ludicrous is that!?!

Sure, you didn’t make $22 million last year, but the $3 million you did make puts you way out of my league.

And Newt… really? “Newt”? Can anyone out there wrap your brain around “President Newt”?

Former Speaker of the House trying to run as an “outsider”?

A three-times married - two-times philanderer – just converted to Catholicism leader of the Religious Right?

['Better than a Mormon.']

Newt failed to file the appropriate papers in Virginia, so he contested the law he failed to comply with? He lost in the Florida primary, so he’s contesting the law in that state which gives all the convention delegates to the winner.

Are you kidding me?

And poor Newt, winning the “endorsement” of Sarah Palin’s husband, Michelle Bachmann, and Herman Cain, and coveting the endorsement of Donald Trump – which he failed to get... What is he running for - “Class Clown”?

President Obama must laugh himself to sleep every night!

But I hate politics and all things related. I think all politicians are corrupt and self-serving, it doesn’t matter which party.

So what is there left to blog about?

I’m searching for a new secretary.

I know, but can she type?

So far, in the seven months I have been at this church, I have lost a choir director, a youth director, and a secretary.

It’s been a very busy seven months!

In each case, the congregation was naturally upset. Churches are notorious for loving staff members beyond their effectiveness.

Many do this with their pastors as well.

Needless to say, I can’t go into specifics here. Personalities are involved. But we have now interviewed four of five applicants and the choice is obvious. Hopefully, a new secretary will be at the desk on Monday.

The interview committee was intrigued by the candidate with the purple fingernails, but we figured her “uniqueness” would wear out pretty quickly!

But, as I said, I can’t talk about that.

So what is there left to blog about? I hate politics, and can’t talk about my work…

Enter Facebook.

Earlier this week my seminary posted an announcement that it has been listed as one of the “Most Sexually Healthy and Responsible Seminaries” by the Religious Institute.

I would declare it comedic “Manna from Heaven”, but that headline is pretty much its own punchline!

I hear they’re even adopting a new mascot.

My Morning Pick-Me-Up

2012-01-30T20:50:00.000-06:00

Most mornings, if you catch me early enough, you will find me with a can of “Red Bull” in my hand. It’s my morning habit.

Most of my church members do a double-take on Sunday mornings. Some mistakenly think I’m drinking a beer.

Really?!?

Explaining that it’s my morning “pick-me-up” doesn’t really help. Many eye the can suspiciously, assuming there must be “some” alcohol in that funny little can.

Again… really?!?

Oh, it’s okay for them to start their morning off with a cup of coffee… or three! Coffee has been a legitimate morning drug of choice for decades. Almost every business you go into today offers a free cup of coffee. They call it hospitality.

Okay, except maybe Starbucks. A coffee there costs three times as much as a Red Bull.

Even churches are expected to have a pot of coffee ready before the first member passes through the doorway. And it had better be good, or they’ll go over to the Baptists!

Which is why I don’t make the coffee at church. I can’t afford to lose any more members!

Some mega-churches even have coffee bars to rival Starbucks, complete with professional baristas to interpret your coffee blabber and translate it into an over-blown cup o’ joe.

But when I walk down the hallway with a little silver-and-blue can in my hand, people recoil in horror! Women faint! Men grab their children and shield their eyes! There is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Okay, perhaps I exaggerate… a little.

But I like Red Bull. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t drink it.

In that little 8.3 oz. can I get all the caffeine (and calories) of a 12 oz. Coke. I also get taurine – whatever that is – without all the carbonation, which makes me belch.

And unlike most coffee drinkers I know, I limit myself to only one. “All things in moderation.”

Okay, I buy the 16 oz. size when I go to district meetings. Still, only one.

But as I said, I don’t really know what taurine is, so I’m not sure I want to put that much inside of me.

Taurine
“Also known as 2-aminoethanesulfonic acid, taurine was originally isolated from bull bile in 1827. Now made synthetically, it is the magical elixir said to bring out the kitesurfing extremophile in any Web-surfing nerd. Taurine's actual effects, while not as drastic as the hype, are pretty wide-ranging, even from the amount found in a single can: Not only is it an inhibitory neurotransmitter (in some cases acting as a mild sedative) and an age-defying antioxidant, it even has the potential to steady irregular heartbeats.”

The good thing about Red Bull is that, in addition to a morning pick-me-up, my daily habit also sponsors professional sports teams and extreme sport athletes – from snow-boarders to sky divers to air racers.

What did Juan Valdez and his little donkey ever do?

But here is my point: I could drink a whole bottle of tequila throughout the sermon if I put it in one of those fancy Styrofoam coffee cups, and no one would blink an eye. And to just hold a "grande" Starbucks cup, they would think I'm "hip".

But drink a small energy drink straight from the can, and… Oh My God!

Welcome to the 21st century!

2012-01-26T18:56:00.000-06:00

Last week I bought an iPad2.

Since then, I have embrace "the Cloud".

My calendar, now provided by Google, can be viewed on my office computer, my home laptop, my iPhone, and my iPad.

In fact, wherever I go, I have my complete calendar before me. No more, "I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you." It's all right there!

And thanks to "Dropbox.com" - which a techie friend in Memphis turned me on to - even my documents can be accessed wherever I go... computers, iPad, iPhone. I can edit a sermon at Back Yard Burger just as easily as I can write it in my office!

It's like, wherever I go, my entire office goes with me!

Wait a minute.

Do I want that?

Do I really want that much access?

Somebody... Anybody!... How do I turn this thing off?!?

MLK Jr. Day

2012-01-16T22:03:00.003-06:00

So, today was a holiday. A day off. The office was closed. I was free to do whatever I wanted.

I wish.

On Saturday, I spent the afternoon painting the bathroom. It will need a second coat. But Monday is a holiday, I reassured myself. We'll get 'er done!

Sunday morning I woke up wishing someone would chop my head off. The headache was excruciating! It was accompanied by some serious sinus drainage and stomach turmoil that only made me want to hurl the contents of my stomach. No such luck!

Too much information?

Anyway, I soldiered through two morning worship services and an afternoon funeral. But I didn’t know if I was contagious, so I stayed away from people as best I could.

Painting was also out of the question.

Which means that today, on my day off – a holiday, remember? – I drove into town to make hospital visits at two hospitals. The three patients, at two different hospitals, were each in serious condition; I hadn’t seen them since Saturday. I made the visits, comforted the families, prayed.

My second agenda, while I was in town, was to buy an iPad2.

You see, I am almost finished reading the biography of the recently-deceased Steve Jobs, and it has made me a true believer. I have turned in my membership card to the Luddites (Google it if you don’t know!) and my goal this year is to completely embrace emerging technology.

Which means I’ve got a steep learning curve to overcome.

I will eventually invest in the iPhone 4S, but since my iPhone 3 still works, I decided to start with a Tablet.

I have looked at the iPad at Best Buy on several occasions. And I have walked away. It seemed to be just a larger iPhone, and I didn’t see that it could do anything I couldn’t do with some other electronic device I owned.

On occasion, I even invited/begged salespersons to “sell me” on the iPad, and they couldn’t.

But today, my goal was to buy an iPad, so I returned to Best Buy.

Unlike previous visits, they seemed short-handed today.

It was a holiday, after all.

When more people are free to shop.

After quite some time of gazing dreamily at the display models, an employee finally stopped and asked if he could help me. He didn’t know much about the iPad – he confessed he didn’t have one – but after some baseless “research”, he determined that it couldn’t do what I needed it to do.

Another employee with a Justin Bieber haircut had told me the same back in December. Hmmmm.

This time, the employee directed me toward the Samsung Galaxy Tablet, which, he said, ran on Android and would be more compatible with Microsoft Office documents.

Because, y’know, Apple doesn’t play well with others!

After playing with the Galaxy for another 20 minutes, I decided it would probably be okay. Not the same as the iPad – which functions like my iPhone – but close enough that I felt I could operate it. But I didn’t like the white case.

Picky, I know, but another one of my resolutions for this year – besides making decisions more quickly – was that I was not going to settle for less than what I really wanted.

So I went to Office Depot.

Is it okay that I mention these stores by name?

There, I specifically asked for an employee who knew about Tablets. The guy who showed up to “help” was in charge of the “Computer” section of the store, but didn’t know much specifically about tablets.

So, over the next 20 minutes, we learned together.

And I liked the Toshiba “Thrive” Tablet.

Which was a good thing, since it was the only Tablet they still had on display.

Apparently, Christmas had been good for Tablet sales.

Like the Galaxy, it runs on Android. I was okay with that. And it had a slot for an SD card, a USB port, and other connections (which Jobs refused to allow on the iPad). And I loved the feel of the rubberized case.

So I said, “My plan for today was to buy a Tablet; so get me one.”

To which the helpful employee replied – and keep in mind, we had been talking for about 20 minutes at this point – “Let me see if we have any of these in stock.”

You guessed it. Nope.

“But there should be a truck coming in any day now…”

So I came home empty-handed.

Later, I phoned a friend. He says the iPad2 really will work for what I need.

I’m still not sure.

So much for my New Year’s resolutions.

Sigh.

And that’s what I did on my day off.

Painting the bathroom will have to wait.

ADDENDUM: As of January 20, I became the proud owner of an iPad2.

Yes, I know. I changed my mind again.

But I found an employee at Best Buy (another Bierber-wannabe) who actually knew what he was talking about; in fact, he was working on becoming Apple-certified! He told me everything I needed to know!

And, since I've already loaded up my iPhone with music, I won't have to recreate my digital music library! (Actually, that was the argument that tipped the scale.)

That was Steve Jobs' plan all along. Devious!

Now I've just got to figure out what to do with the darned thing!

And the bathroom project is finished too. Looks great!

The Voyage Continues!

2012-01-09T07:28:00.001-06:00

Twenty-four years ago today, the First Mate and I officially set sail on a life-long voyage!

And they said it wouldn’t last!

Okay, nobody really said that…

…except maybe her father… and the other couples at “Engaged Encounter”... and a few of my friends.

Truth be told, we really tied the knot in May of the year before at Knott’s Berry Farm. In fact, we still have the “plumb fake” “Hitchin’ License” signed by a plumb fake “Judge Roy Bean”, which we proudly display on our bedroom wall. And in a jewelry box (still packed away somewhere) are two horseshoe-nail rings that were included in the $5 purchase price.

The jewelry stores say the engagement ring should equal 3-month’s salary. That was about right for us in 1987.

But being family-oriented as we are, for the sake of family and friends we repeated our vows in a church ceremony eight months later.

The Captain looked debonair in his grey morning coat and striped ascot, and the First Mate was simply breath-taking in her mother’s ivory and pearl wedding gown.

And we both looked incredibly young!

We still have a magnum of champagne from the wedding reception, saving it for some unspecified “special occasion” in the future. Like the couple, I’m sure the champagne still as bubbly today as it was back then!

Any of my wine-drinking friends want to weigh in on that one?

Anyway, it’s been quite a journey, these past 24 years. It has not always been clear skies and smooth seas, but we’ve weathered both the good times and the bad times… together. Through it all, we’ve had each other’s back. There’s no one I’d rather be sailing with.

And the journey is not over yet. There are many seas yet to sail, many ports yet to pillage.

In June we dropped anchor in our 5th port. I’m still preaching, but in a different pulpit with different challenges. Arrrrgh!

And the First Mate has settled into yet another new and fulfilling job. She is much more adaptable than either of us would have guessed 24 years ago!

I appreciate that!

And, she can still “shiver me timber”!

I appreciate that too!

Too much information???

So tonight, we celebrate! And what a celebration it will be!

To paraphrase Captain Jack Sparrow, “Why is the wine always gone?!?”

Next year there will probably be a party, with plenty of pillaging and plundering for everyone. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll be invited to join the crew.

Until then, just celebrate with us wherever you are. Lift a glass of ale and shout a hearty “Good Health!” and “Fair Winds!” to a couple of young pirates in love.

That would be us.

Yes, It's Over!

2012-01-07T11:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday (January 6th) was Epiphany, the day we traditionally celebrate the arrival of the magi, foreign dignitaries who paid homage to the newborn Jesus.

Epiphany is a special day that most Christians overlook. Whereas the visitation of the shepherds to the manger emphasize Jesus' ministry to the poor and marginalized, the inclusion of the story of the magi in the gospel suggests the global nature of Jesus' ministry.

But enough preaching. This is supposed to be a rant!

I really wanted to add the word "Finally!" to today's title, but I decided that might make some think that I don't like Christmas.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Who doesn't like a holiday season based on the magical words, "What didja git me?!?"

But seriously, for too many people, Christmas started on (even before!) Thanksgiving Day. That means we had to endure 44 days of Christmas this year!

Forty-four days of shopping. Forty-four days of Santas sitting enthroned in mall displays. Forty-four days of the same four Christmas carols played over and over and over again.

By the way, when it comes to Christmas carols - why can't celebrities just sing it without all the extra ear-splitting vocal modulations and gyrations? I swear, I heard a rendition of "What Child Is This?" that sounded as if it was being sung by Mary as she was giving birth!

Actually, some will argue with me that there were not 44 days of Christmas. There were only 31 days between Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Eve.

And while that count is accurate, that is not Christmas! The season of Advent - the time of preparation for the arrival of the Messiah - begins on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Christmas actually begins December 25th and is celebrated through January 6th.

Thus, the Twelve Days of Christmas.

No, really. The song is about the twelve days AFTER Christmas day.

Look it up.

Go ahead. I'll wait...

Retailers want us to jump ahead and shop and spend so that they will have a merry Christmas.

And we get caught up in the hype. The decorations go up, the carols start playing, the shopping begins way too early.

This year I received my first Christmas Card in the mail a week before Thanksgiving!

I put mine in the mailbox on December 24th.

The problem with this rush (at least for me) is that I grow tired of all the decorations, and absolutely sick of the Christmas muzak, by the time Christmas day arrives!

Bah, Humbug!

And I realize at that point that the 12 Days of Christmas are yet to come!

But most people miss that part of the season.

I've known families who traditionally take down the Christmas tree and decorations on December 25th.

"Merry Christmas! Now go home!"

Upon our return from California on January 2nd, I was truly surprised to hear Christmas Carols still being played overhead at the Wendy's restaurant in Nashville where we stopped for lunch.

I once proposed a special Epiphany worship service to a church I was serving. I have successfully pushed through Ash Wednesday services, Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services. But Epiphany?

[Crickets...]

So, unlike most of the rest of the country, today we are taking down our Christmas decorations, hauling box after box up into the attic until next year.

Yes, Christmas is over!

Finally!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T21:47:00.000-06:00

Once again, sharing a little Christmas Cheer!

Merry Christmas to you and yours, from all of us on the "Banana Winds!"

The Hottest Woman Ever???

2011-12-18T22:27:00.001-06:00

The news media were all in a tizzy last week with the announcement that “Men’s Health” magazine has declared Jennifer Anniston to be “The Sexiest Woman Ever!”

Ever!

As usual, it was much ado about nothing.

First of all, "Men’s Health" named Anniston “The Hottest Woman Ever”. That’s not the same as “sexiest”.

Furthermore, Men’s Health magazine made this declaration based on a survey of its subscription base – a total of 30,000 25-35 year old (mostly) Singaporean males. In fact, the mag is called the “lifestyle guide” for Singaporean males!

So who do 25-35 year old Singaporean males like most?
#1 – Jennifer Anniston
#2 – Rachel Welch
#3 – Marilyn Monroe
#4 – Britney Spears
#5 – Madonna

For the full list, go here.

I can’t say that I agree with the survey. I mean, Madonna? Hot? Not!

Bettie Page #7? Seriously?

For those who don’t know who Bettie Page is, she was a famous 1950’s pin-up and fetish model.

I was disappointed to see that the gorgeous Halle Berry only ranked #35, and I chuckled when I saw burlesque star Lili St. Cyr listed at #83.

Remember the line from “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”?

“…God bless Lili St. Cyr…”

And how did the beautiful Mila Kunis end up at #96?

I was also disappointed by who was left off the list – beauties like Marlene Dietrich, Katherine Hepburn, and Ingrid Bergman.

Here’s the problem with surveys like this. When it comes to actresses, how one sees them is always affected by the role they play. Truth is, I have fallen in love hundreds of times with actresses in films and on television – everyone from Farrah Fawcett to Zooey Deschanel. Who didn’t momentarily lust after Catherine Bach in her “Daisy Dukes”, or Catherine Zeta-Jones in “Chicago”?

Now THAT is HOT!

Sometimes “hotness” is related to a particular situation – like the waitress who brings me beer and wings at Hooters.

Or the girl on the other side of the beer mug!

Sometimes "hotness" is determined by clothing... or a group thing... or both.

And sometimes “hotness” is fleeting. Does anyone else think the girl on “How I Met Your Mother” is hot?

No, not Robyn. Lily.

No, I haven’t seen “American Pie”. Why do you ask?

And i'm guessing - despite the magazine's argument that "funny is sexy" - Jennifer Anniston topped the list because of her latest role in "Horrible Bosses", in which she gives us this lasting image:

So why do magazines like “Men’s Health” publish headlines like “Hottest Woman Ever”?

For the same reasons the news media cover it, and the same reasons I’m blogging about it now. It sells magazines, and it gives us a legitimate opportunity to run photos of hot, sexy women!

Hey, I’m just commenting on current events!

So, who is my pick as the #1 “Hottest Woman Ever”?

Without hesitation, my pick is Lauren Bacall, who at 19-years-old co-starred with Humphrey Bogart in “To Have and Have Not”, and later in “Key Largo”. She never disrobed for a movie, but her sultry looks and deep, husky voice make her my pick for “The Hottest Woman Ever.”

Ever!

I Finally Did It!

2011-12-12T21:29:00.000-06:00

Yep, I bought a Jeep!

Back in march of 2009, I wrote here that I was planning to buy a Jeep when my 2000 Ford Ranger turned 10. No real reason; it just seemed right.

At the time, I was living in Memphis just a couple blocks from a Jeep dealership, and I drove past it a couple times every day, coveting the iconic vehicles parked there.

But suddenly, the car lot was gone. Like so many businesses in that once-thriving neighborhood, the dealership closed up shop on Mt. Moriah and moved farther east.

And I realized that even though 10 years old, my little Ranger was stil running fine, didn't require a lot of maintenance, and was just the right size for me.

Then came my birthday, February 2011. I decided to drive out to Hooters for lunch, about 20 minutes away. What else says Happy Birthday like a beautiful waitress in short shorts and a tight top!

Yes, I knew a winter storm was headed our way, but it wasn't expected to arrive until that afternoon.

Darned weathermen!

As I was finishing lunch, I noticed snowflakes starting to fall. I skipped the second margarita, paid my waitress, and headed for home.

The snow seemed to be dry as it lightly swirled across the highway in front of me. "Piece of cake," I thought, remiding myself it was my birthday.

But suddenly, traffic came to a skidding halt. The road had suddenly iced over. Farther ahead, a transition ramp with a steep incline was too slippery for cars to reach the top.

I bailed out onto surface streets. All the way home, my little Ranger - being light in the rear end - slipped and slid. I stayed in the right lane so I would slide into the curb rather than into other cars, and after two tense hours, I finally arrived home with permanent indentations left in my steering wheel.

I tell that story as a huge rationalization for buying the Jeep.

We live in Paducah now. Two years ago, Paducah experienced an ice storm that shut down the city for more than two weeks. The church I now serve rose to the occasion and prepared hot meals for utilities crews and people in the community who lost power as a result of the storm. I was impressed by their outreach then, and am proud to be their pastor now.

Word is that this winter is going to be a record-breaker in the category of ice and snow. I am hoping to not be the pastor trapped in his own neighborhood because his car can't get up the hill.

And unlike her previous employment in the public schools, my First Mate now has a job at a local hospital that won't be closed because of snow. I've got to be able to get her to work on time, regardless of the weather.

Thus, a 4 X 4 seemed to be the answer. And a Jeep was definitely the preference.

To be honest, I had hoped for a hard-shell, but the rag-top is going to be so cool this summer!

As for my little Ranger, there were twinges of emotion last night as I gave her a thorough wash and shine, knowing it was likely to be a farewell. But it's just a pick-up truck, nothing to get emotional about.

And, unlike my previous Ranger (1990 - traded in 2000), I didn't have to push this one onto the car lot. In fact, I got $3,500 on the trade-in! Not bad for an 11-year-old pick-up with 100,000 miles on it! Woot!

By the way, the official color of my (new-to-me) Jeep is "Detonator Yellow".

Naturally, I'll be calling her "Banana Winds"!

Naturally!

Bah! Humbug!!!

2011-12-08T22:44:00.000-06:00

Oh no! The annual "Bah! Humbug!" blog has arrived.

I honestly didn't think it was going to come around this year. We've moved to a new church and a new parsonage, and we've already started decorating for the holidays. Things were going so well.

We found an artificial tree at Lowe's that we liked, but the display model was all that was left. So we bought it (at a 10% discount!), threw it in the back of my truck already assembled, carried it home, plugged it in and... Voila! Instant Christmas!

We've attended two Christmas parties already, and we're having the church's Youth Group over tomorrow night, so I've hung extra decorations outside to make the parsonage appear more festive.

I even thought about hanging lights on the gutters, but it's just too darn cold for that!

Why can't Christmas be in July?!?

I've even done most of my Christmas shopping!

Thank God for the Internet!

But what has harshed my buzz is the way others are carrying on about the holidays this year. Christmas has come to represent the very worst of our entitlement culture.

For example, each year my church contributes toys to one of our denominational agencies for distribution to underprivileged children. It's the same families year after year (a discussion for another time), but still a worthy cause. This year, however, a week before the deadline, we received a "desperate" plea for more toys. According to the letter, the agency had already "approved" 750 families for the toy give-away, and it was afraid of running short. The letter said the agency would have to take money from its already tight budget to "buy" extra toys at WalMart.

Or they could limit the number of toys each family can take.

And again, tonight on the nightly news a local agency made an appeal for help to "provide Christmas" to needy children.

You see, it's not "Christmas" unless the children receive free toys!

A representative explained that they had received requests from 50 more children than planned, and since they had budgeted $150 per child, they were short on funds!

Really? $150 per child??? They could reduce the gift amount to $100 per child - still pretty generous, I think - and still have $2,500 left over for egg nog!

Or Bakon and Egg Nog!

And while I'm ranting, could someone explain to me why everyone is expected to support the Salvation Army at Christmas-time? Members of my church stood in the cold for two days ringing bells in front of WalMart, soliciting donations for the SA. But isn't the Salvation Army a separate denomination? (Point of fact, Salvation Army split away from the Methodist denomination years ago.) Would the Baptists help raise money for one of our missions?

But I digress...

It's time we accept the reality that there are two separate events happening on December 25th. One of them involves the ancient folklore about a fat man in a red suit (with hot chicks dressed as elves) who miraculously delivers hundreds of dollars of free toys to good little boys and girls around the world.

The other is about the birth of a Savior, Jesus the Christ, who only offers eternal salvation to those who believe.

See why we're losing the war over Christmas?

While we're at it, it's time to stop all the fighting over "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holidays" - both are legitimate wishes for the season - and retire the "Keep Christ in Christmas" bumper stickers.

By the way, saying "Merry Xmas" is not some devious plot to take Christ out of Christmas. The letter "X" is an historic shorthand (in Greek) for "Christ" that predates all of our Christmas celebrations. Get over it!

We don't have to make Christmas an either/or proposition. Christians can celebrate both. And we do. But we should know the difference, know why we do what we do, and stop trying to merge the two.

No, Virignia, Santa never knelt at the manger in homage to the newborn Savior. Sorry.

And being a Christian doesn't mean I have to provide Christmas presents to all the children of the world.

Seriously, while extremist - but well-meaning - Christians are spoiling children and fighting to protect "Christmas" Trees in the name of Jesus, what are they doing about:
-the young widow spending her first Christmas alone?
-the unwed, teenage mother unsure of her future and that of her baby?
-the family about to receive a foreclosure notice on their dream-house?

What would Santa do?

What would Jesus do?

Mmmmm... Bacon...

2011-12-06T23:18:00.001-06:00

The Banana Wind's First Mate recently returned from a trip ashore - that usually means to the local liquore store - reporting that she found a new adult beverage called "Bacon Vodka".

Sorry. I just vomited a little bit in my mouth.

Now, there's nothing the Captain likes better than the smell of bacon frying in the galley early in the morning. But Bacon in my Vodka?

"Vodka - it's what's for breakfast!"

The makers of this travesty insist that "carnivorous cocktails" - that is, "meat-infused drinks" - have been around for decades.They claim that one of Ernest Hemingway's favorite bars served meat-infused cocktails as far back as the 1940s.

Although there is no evidence that Papa ever drank that shit!

And he drank most everything!

And according to their web site, they've won awards.

Does that logo on the right look like a frying pan to you? Hmmmm... Suspicious!

Infused liquor hit the market several years ago. I remember attending a tasting of infused Vodka in 2005, at which the sales rep poured me a shot of pineapple-infused Vodka mixed with a shot of coconut-infused Vodka. Viola! Instant Pina Colada!

For those not paying attention, that Pina Colada was 3 oz. of 70-proof Vodka.

It was a very short tasting experience that day.

Sadly, this craze is not limited to liquor. A couple nights ago I sampled a bottle of red wine mixed with Dutch chocolate, because, you know, chocolate and red wine go together.

But not in the same bottle, you guys!

With the latest move to infuse every bottle of liquor with some other flavor - everything from lime to Tabasco (Yes, I'm talking to you, Southern Comfort!) - why not meat flavored?

But what does one do with Bacon Vodka? What recipes do you have to offer us?

The First Mate suggested "Bacon and Egg Nog". Cute.

The distillers are pushing their concoction as ideal for Bloody Marys.

Or, apparently, just drink it straight!

Then there's the inexplicably-named "Elvis Presley":

You'd think that one would call for a fried bologna-infused Vodka.

Or Demerol.

Well the Captain is a simple man. I believe Rum should taste like Rum.

And Vodka should taste like... well, nothing.

And Southern Comfort should taste like Southern Comfort.

Did you hear me, Southern Comfort?!? Leave my booze the hell alone!

And if I ever want my liquor to taste like something else, I'll add it myself.

Thank you. That is all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T08:28:00.000-06:00

Here We Go Again!

2011-11-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

It's almost here!

But are you ready?

Yes, as has been reported here in previous years, tomorrow is the third Thursday of November.

Which can only mean one thing: It's "Beaujolais Nouveau Day"!

For an excellent account of the history of this historic day, you can read my previous post from 2009.

If you're too lazy to go there, the short answer is, a long time ago Georges Duboeuf created a world market for the newly bottled wine, which by law cannot be sold until the third Thursday of November. The hype drives the sale of millions of bottles each year.

Yes, I fell for it in 2009. I bought a bottle of Georges Duboeuf. "Wine Spectator" said it was "one of the best vintages on record".

"Fool me once, shame on you."

In 2010, I tripled my error. I bought three bottles of Duboeuf's Nouveau.

I don't know what possessed me.

"Fool me twice, shame on me!"

Truth is, what was once an international sensation has become the butt of wine-blog jokes. Check out this great post at The Ironic Catholic.

Okay, not technically a wine blog, but funny nonetheless.

In 2005, wine-blogger "Vino Joe" of Wine Weekly wrote about this wine sensation.

Captain's note: One should probably not take advice from a so-called wine expert who calls himself, "Vino Joe"!

In describing its taste, Joe noted, "It’s hard to say, because it tastes different every year. Typically, it’s a lot like a kicked-up grape juice. Nouveau will have very bright, fresh, red fruit flavors, such as cherry, strawberry, and raspberry, and will be delivered to your palate with a distinct zing. Because of the lack of tannins, it should be very soft in the mouth, and easy to drink. Beaujolais Nouveau is not a wine to sniff, swirl, and contemplate; it’s a wine to pour and party with. Consider it a beverage accessory."

As I spit out a mouthful of the 2010 Nouveau, I could have sworn I tasted bananas.

In recommending "how" to drink it - [Really? We need to know "how" to drink it?] - "Vino Joe" wrote, "Chilled. Unlike most red wines, you will want to put a Nouveau bottle in the fridge for about 15-20 minutes before drinking, as a slight chill will bring out the fresh flavors. Don’t have the time for that? Pour it over ice cubes!"

Ah, how I long for the good old days of pouring wine over ice and drinking it with a lemon twist!

(Watch YouTube video here.)

It gets better, as Joe wrote: "One of the fantastic things about drinking Beaujolais Nouveau is that wine snobs won’t come within 50 feet of it. So, you have the pleasure of performing all sorts of wine sacrilege on it. Drink it on the rocks, out of a plastic cup, with a straw, straight out of the bottle if you want. There’s a whole website devoted to drinking the “wine without rules”, including tips on throwing a Beaujolais Nouveau arrival party."

Um, yeah. No thanks.

So this year, unless I can confirm that the 2011 is truly "a wine to pour and party with", i'm going to resist the urge to try again.

After all, for twice the price, I can get a really good Zin.

One final note:

"For Sale: Vintage bottle of 2010 Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais Nouveau. Like new. Never been opened. Great deal if you like bananas. Best offer. Call the Captain!"

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen!

2011-11-10T16:26:00.002-06:00

All I can say is, “Wow!”

And not in a good sense.

Last night, the Penn State Board of Trustees fired head football coach Joe Paterno.

Frankly, I didn’t think they had it in them!

Paterno is a legend at Penn State. After graduating from Brown University in 1950, he took a job as assistant football coach at Penn State. He held that position until 1965, when he was elevated to head coach.

Over his distinguished career, Paterno recorded 409 wins (a record for most Div-1A wins), 136 losses, and 3 ties. He led the Nittany Lions to 24 bowl wins (another record), 2 national championships, and three Big-10 championships. In 2007, he was inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame. He has a long list of other honors.

Paterno and his wife have donated more than $4 million to the university, and he has helped raise millions more.

But none of that meant anything this week when, after a two-year investigation, police arrested his former Defensive Coordinator, Jerry Sandusky, on 40 counts of child sexual assault ranging over a period of 15 years.

Guilty by association? Hardly.

In 2002, a graduate assistant reported to Paterno that he witnessed Sandusky performing a sex act on a 10-year-old boy in the team’s shower room. The next day, Paterno reported this to the school’s athletic director.

But not to the Police!

The punishment: Sandusky was formally forbidden to bring children into the team locker room ever again. The university president even signed off on the “punishment”.

“This will go on your permanent record, young man!”

In 2009, Sandusky retired, retaining full emeritus status.

Here’s the really sad part: Sandusky has six adopted children and has fostered many others. And he was a major participant and contributor to a children’s charity called “Second Mile”. Although eight to ten boys have been identified, who knows how many others have been assaulted by this man!

It is a shame Paterno has been fired. He was a good coach.

It is a shame he has to end a life-long career in disgrace. Others, including the University President, have also lost their jobs and credibility due to this scandal.

But none of this would have happened if Paterno had done what he should have back in 2002.

And what should he have done, you ask?

This is where the real Pyrat in me comes out.

He should have cut off Sandusky’s balls and shoved them down his F*****G throat!

“No mercy, no quarter!”

News reports show Penn State students staging protests around Paterno’s firing.

When they have children of their own, they will understand… he got off easy.

UPDATE: Although still claiming innocence, Sandusky has admitted to taking showers with children, "horse-play", and "touching their legs in a non-sexual way".

Frankly, I think he's angling for a "diminished capacity" defense.

How else could an adult justify taking showers with a 10-year-old child?

If he gets off on a "boys will be boys" defense, I'm packing up and leaving!

Seriously!

Thar Be Treasure to Plunder!

2011-11-02T17:05:00.000-05:00

It has come around again.

A movement is once again afoot to replace the paper dollar with a dollar coin.

This has been tried at least three times since the 1979 issue of the Susan B. Anthony, a silver-colored coin that failed because it was too easily confused with the quarter.

In 2000, the gold-colored Sacagawea coin was issued. Doing my part to promote the new coin, I purchased two rolls to make change with at my annual Fat Tuesday party that year. At the end of the evening, I still had two rolls of the new coin.

To make matters worse, later when I tried to spend the “suspect” currency, the low-paid clerks would usually have to call a manager to ask what to do with the coin. There wasn’t a pocket in the cash drawer for a dollar coin.

In 2007, the mint began an issue of U.S. Presidents, 300 million per president. I had collected the states quarters series, so why not the presidential dollars? But when I asked for the new coin at my bank, they hadn’t heard of it.

I gave up.

So why do we keep doing this?

The arguments in favor include the fact that a paper dollar lasts only three years and at the end of its life is shredded and buried in a landfill. A dollar coin lasts 30 years or more and can be recycled at the end of its life.

The General Accounting Office says a dollar coin would save $5.5 billion over the next 30 years. The GAO admits, however, that for the first 10 years it would lose money, and the actual savings (averaging $184 million per year) would be but a drop in the bucket.

Plus, more and more vending machine choices cost a dollar. And who among us hasn’t grown frustrated when the machine won’t take our paper dollar because a corner is bent!

Those opposed don’t like the idea because… well… it’s something different. And in America, we don’t really like things to be different.

I kind of like the idea of a dollar coin. Being a Pyrat at heart, I like the image of piles of gold coins spilling out of treasure chests.

Paper dollars just don’t have the same romance.

I still have a small stack of Ikes that my great-grandfather would give us every year at Christmas. There was something special about the big silver coin that made me not want to spend it.

I don’t have that problem with paper dollars!

And because of their potential longevity, holding an old coin is like holding a piece of history. Think about it: what treasure hunter would search the ocean floor knowing that a ship laden with paper dollars sank in a storm some 200 years ago?

And remember your first Penny Loafers? I do. I was in seminary. Karen had dug through piles of pennies to find two lucky coins with my birth year on them to put in my shoes. Then a thief broke into our home and stole them (along with almost everything else we owned at the time) right after I had finally broken in the stiff leather soles.

Okay, maybe they were not-so-lucky coins!

The down-side of dollar coins is that I hate carrying coins in my pockets. Right now I am sitting on a wallet containing eight paper bills. I wouldn’t want to carry the equivalent in coins in my pocket. We’d have to go back to the leather pouch tied to our belts, and that would probably be awkward.

Congress keeps approving new issues, and the Mint keeps producing them, but until the government actually stops printing the paper dollars, I don’t see dollar coins catching on. Collectors will collect them, but the rest of the issue will join the billion or more dollar coins from the recent past locked away in the Federal Reserve vaults.

Aarrrrrrgh!

It Wouldn't Be Hallowe'en Without...

2011-10-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

The Captain is NOT happy!

2011-10-19T22:25:00.000-05:00

The Captain is NOT happy!

On Tuesday, Terry Thompson, owner of a wild/exotic animal rescue farm, opened the cages of some 50 of his wards, releasing them on the unsuspecting town of Zanesville, Ohio, then killed himself.

At the end of the day today, only a macaque -that's a monkey- is still unaccounted for, and some suggest it may have been eaten by one of the big cats.

Sing with me: "The circle of life..."

But seriously...

For the safety of the human population, the police ordered "shoot to kill".

Among the dead:
     -18 Bengal Tigers (of which there are only 1,400 remaining in the world)
     -17 lions
     -six black bears
     -one baboon
     -two grizzly bears
     -three mountain lions
     -two wolves

Jack Hanna, director emeritus of the Columbus Zoo, said the carnage looked like "Noah's Ark wrecking right here in Zanesville, Ohio."

Of course we blame the imbalanced Terry Thompson, who released the animals.

But he's dead now. God rest his soul.

So we must find someone else to be angry at.

Consider this: in Ohio, one must hold a license to own a dog or cat, but apparently anyone can own a Bengal Tiger!

Go figure!

Sheesh!

It's a sad day on the Banana Winds.

The Captain is not happy!

"Toro!"

2011-10-10T12:24:00.001-05:00

On Friday, matador Juan Jose Padilla was gored during a bullfight in Spain’s northeastern city of Zaragoza. At a key moment, the senior matador slipped in the sand. The 1,120-pound bull, Marques, was quickly on top of Padilla, forcing his massive horn through the matador’s jaw and out the eye socket.

You can see the graphic video on YouTube (here),

Padilla suffered eye, bone, muscle and skin damage, is now blind in one eye and paralyzed down the left side of his face – but vows to fight again.

Crazy? Or courageous?

Hmmm... a 150-lb. man armed with a cape and a sword vs. a 1,200-lb. enraged bull armed with two horns and four hooves.

Goring is fairly common in the sport of bullfighting. See my blog (here) from last year about the goring of matador Julio Arpicio, another dramatic goring from which the matador survived.

The last goring-related death was in 1985. In fact, because of the sport, Spain has a cadre of leading surgeons who specialize in goring.

Some say the sport is cruel and sadistic. Others insist it is a national tradition that should be cherished. The argument has been going on for centuries.

--In November 1567, Pope Pius V issued a Papal Bull (ironic, isn’t it?) condemning the sport.

--Eight years later, Pope Gregory XIII rescinded that edict.

--In 1991 the Canary Islands banned bullfights, and in July of last year Catalonia imposed a ban, to go into effect in January 2012.

Ernest Hemingway, a bullfight aficionado, wrote, "Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left to the fighter's honour." (Death in the Afternoon, 1932)

Unlike the “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona – in which drunk tourists run ahead of the bulls to the bullfight ring – these matadors are professionals. They are not drunk, and they are not coerced. In fact, they have trained since childhood for the privilege of entering the ring.

They know the danger. It’s not just a “possibility” – they look it in the eye.

The slightest mistake can cost you your life...

...or worse!

Opponents (taking the side of the bull) claim it is barbaric and cruel. The protests are growing.

Okay, the public staging of hundreds of beautiful, naked women pretending to be dead bulls is probably not the best way to make your point though.

True, the bull is taunted and tortured for 20 minutes before being put to a swift death. The beef is later shared with the community.

But is that any worse than what happens at your local slaughterhouse?

This future steak has been transported in a cramped tractor trailer over hundreds of miles and is about to be “stunned”. Then it is strung up by its hooves, gutted and skinned. Activists insist that some of these cows are still alive when this is done to them.

Still want that hamburger?

It seems the divide on the bullfight issue today falls mainly along generational lines. Older Spaniards are in favor of keeping the ancient traditions alive; younger Spaniards are opposed.

Count me with the traditionalists.

No, you probably will never find me at a bullfight. Then again, you won’t find me at a boxing bout… or UFC… or NASCAR...

Yes, some go just hoping for a collision!

But I won’t interfere with those who want to participate in these sports or those who want to watch.

Finally!

2011-10-03T21:13:00.001-05:00

Finally! Someone has taken a comprehensive look at Marriage in the Bible and explains it in a way I think we can all understand!

(click here to enlarge)

Oh, Crap II

2011-09-21T22:06:00.000-05:00

Oh Crap!

2011-09-19T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm So Excited!

2011-09-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

Crazy News!

2011-09-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

Have you been reading the news this week?

If so, I ask you, has the whole world gone crazy, or just the Captain?

Did you see these reports in the news?

1) A woman in New Mexico was accused "by a reliable informant" of being a "drug mule". (Look it up if you don't know what that means.) She was detained and forced to undergo a court-ordered body-cavity search, which produced nothing. Later, the hospital at which she was searched sent her a bill for $1,122! She is protesting the bill.

I'm guessing her HMO has rejected the claim as an unnecessary procedure?

2) Indiana State Police picked up a man marching along the highway carrying a samurai sword. When asked to identify himself, he proclaimed, "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!"

Do they still make Cocoa Puffs?

3) A man in Northern Ireland is suing facebook because his 12-year-old daughter posted sexually provocative photos on her page. The man says Facebook is "guilty of negligence" because they weren't monitoring her posts. And besides that, Facebook policy says that users must be 13 or older.

Seems to me the dad is the negligent one here.

4) A man in Ohio is suing his co-workers because they won a $99 million lottery jackpot while he was out for three months with a back injury. In his claim, he insists that he always previously put in his $5 each month, and that others had always covered for those who were sick or on vacation. His would-be share of the pot is more than $2 million.

I think the lottery rules are clear: you can't win if you don't play!

And finally, the one that really takes the cake:

5) members of the Tea Party are angry because Teamster President James Hoffa called them "SOB"s in a recent Labor Day speech.

Your humble Captain blushes at the thought!

Hoffa also said the Tea Party should be "taken out"!

Wink, Wink! Nudge, Nudge! Say no more!

Now, some TP'ers are arguing that Hoffa is calling for violence against Tea Party members, which I will not say has never happened. But at the same time, TP'ers seem to have forgotten Michelle Bachmann's speech from April 2010 when she told a Tea Party crowd that "this gangster government" should be "taken out!"

Of course, speaking to Tea Party members, Bachmann obviously meant that they should each personally take members of the government out for brunch!

To make this story all the more ludicrous, many TP'ers are calling upon President Obama to apologize for Hoffa's remarks. Seems the President was in the general vicinity when the remarks were made and - well, y'know - since "the buck stops here", it was all the President's fault!

The first four stories are just craziness that some judge somewhere will have to sort out. I imagine he will then adjourn to a dimly-lit bar downtown where he will gaze introspectively into a tumbler of 12-year-old Scotch and examine once again why he pursued a career in law. He could have chosen a career that would have made a difference to someone. His mother wanted a doctor... he would have been a great architect... or interior decorator... the world needs more interior decorators... And at closing time, the bartender will once again call a taxi which will deliver His Honor safely home.

But this fifth and final story of communal madness brings me to call to mind three standing rules aboard the Banana Winds:

Rule #1 - Respect the First Amendment. My father taught me, "I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." That doesn't mean you have to say everything that you think, but you have the right.

Rule #2 - Never apologize. I'm tired of all the "apologies" being tossed back and forth around Washington these days! (I've written other blogs on this. Go see for yourself!) If you've got the nerve to say it out loud, you should have the cajones to stand by what you said. If you don't mean it, don't say it! Simple as that.

Rule #3 - Never - ever! - apologize for what someone else says. Refer back to rules number one and two.

And Rule #4 - When your life goes all to hell, when you feel like the whole world is against you, when you even lose the ability to count to three, blame it on the Margaritas!

A New Favorite

2011-09-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

It's been a crazy past two months. Little time to do much outside of work. And apparently I am not alone in this. Many of my links to blogger friends have also been largely inactive.

Note to blogger friends: Time to update!

But things are starting to settle down a little bit now.

I say that with some hesitation; you know how those things go...

Anyway, I'm almost finished painting my office, I unpacked 8 boxes of books yesterday, and the heatwave has apparently broken.

So this afternoon I went to a movie.

Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 68%. Said it was "uneven", but "too charming to resist".

They are so right about that last part.

I won't give away the story, but the movie revolves around Ned (Paul Rudd), a biodynamic farmer who sells produce at a local farmer's market. Ned is an innocent, who refuses to lie and likes to believe the best about everyone. This trust leads him to sell pot to a uniformed police officer, landing him in prison for 8 months.

Upon his early release (for good behavior, of course) and with no place to go, Ned bounces among the homes of his three beautiful sisters - Liz (a very dowdy Emily Mortimer), Miranda (Elizabeth Banks), and Natalie (Zooey Deschanel), each of whose lives is mired in lies and deceptions.

That's all I'm going to say about that. Go see the movie. And stay for the out-takes during the credits.

But this blog is not about a movie, but a person. Zooey Deschanel has stolen my heart yet again, catapulting her to the top of my favorite actress list.

Some day I'll give you the full list.

Admittedly, her acting sometimes comes off as wooden and emotionless, but her big blue eyes and great legs are absolutely captivating!

The 31-year-old model/actress/singer/songwriter is the daughter of Caleb Deschanel, who was cinamatographer for 'The Passion of Christ". Her mother is Mary Jo Deschanel, who was in the old TV cult hit "Twin Peaks". Her sister is Emily Deschanel, star of the TV series "Bones".

I first noticed Zooey in the 2007 ScyFy channel miniseries, "Tin Man", a unique take on "The Wizard of Oz".

In 2009 she starred in "(500) Days of Summer".

Beginning September 20, she will star in a Fox television series, "NewGirl".

Tuesdays at 8 central.

I'll be watching!

Dedication

2011-08-25T17:31:00.001-05:00

On Sunday, the new Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in Washington D.C. will be dedicated.

The 30-foot sculpture of the great civil rights leader will be dedicated on the 48th anniversary of the March on Washington and his famous "I Have a Dream" speech.

The memorial cost $115 million, all paid for by private donations.

More than 250,000 are expected to attend Sunday's dedication service, which will include a speech by President Obama and a rendition of "Amazing Grace" by Aretha Franklin.

Wednesday's earthquake caused a couple pre-dedication events to be moved, and Hurricane Irene threatens to move the dedication indoors.

(Update 08-26-2011: The threat of Hurricane Irene has caused the MLK memorial dedication ceremony to be postponed indefinitely.)

(Update 08-26-2011: The threat of Hurricane Irene has also caused the postponement of Saturday's Jimmy Buffett concert in Bristow, VA.)

Dr. King was assassinated April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee. If you ever get the chance, stop by and tour the National CIvil Rights Museum, housed in the former Lorraine Motel.

Flotsam

2011-08-20T21:21:00.000-05:00

"Flotsam" is floating wreckage of a ship or its cargo.

As it refers to "Banana Winds", it is a collection of blog sites that bring a smile to my face.

And frankly, after this weekend, the Captain needs something to smile about.

Even if it is a photo of a cockatoo sitting on a peek-a-poo!

Thank you, Daily Squee!

Where Are We Headed?

2011-08-11T11:57:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I just want to point the “Banana Winds” south, hoist the sails, and head out into the great unknown – no purpose, no plan, no schedule. Just go.

Unfortunately, there’s a nagging little voice in my head that keeps yelling from the wheel house, “Where are we going?” “What are we going to do there?” “When are we going to be back?”

A little tequila usually quiets the voices for a short time, but eventually they come back…

…and they usually bring along a headache with them when they return.

But recent events have made me want to just sail off into the sunset with no plan to return.

Take, for example, the recent battle over the national budget. The political discourse in America has become polarized to the point that our elected leaders almost allowed the country to default on its debt payments. In an attempt to shore up their political base and secure their future re-elections / paychecks, our Congress took us to the brink, the result of which was a plan no one likes, the downgrading of our credit rating, and the promise of more such battles to come.

And they have made it worse for those they were supposedly trying to help. Us.

What ever happened to the art of compromise? For better or worse, politicians used to be able to cut back-room deals with one another – “I’ll vote for your project if you vote for mine.”

But now it seems that intractable lines have been drawn and both sides are taking an “all or nothing” attitude. Special interest groups are demanding that candidates sign “pledges” in exchange for the promise of blocks of votes.

“Screw what’s best for the country,” our leaders seem to be saying. “I have to get re-elected!”

The nation is justifiably angry with our elected leaders, and many of the candidates for President in 2012 are riding that wave of anger. Angry people vote, and they usually vote against the status quo.

But despite their momentary popularity, what these candidates are not offering is a plan to bring our country together and fix what is wrong with us.

And I believe that is exactly what is wrong with us. We have lost our sense of unity, our common cause, our drive to make life better for all Americans.

When our soldiers went off to war in WWI and WWII, the American people were asked to make certain sacrifices… “to support our boys overseas!”

Hundreds of thousands gave their lives in battle, women joined the military-industrial workforce, and the folks back home recycled tin cans and rationed food, galvanized by a common cause: “to make the world safe for democracy”.

And we did.

Dylan Ratigan, host of yet another talk show on MSNBC, recently wrote a piece in Huffington Post, in which he recalled the early 1960’s, when John F. Kennedy was president. The U.S. and Soviet Union were in a race toward global ~~dominance~~ annihilation. President Kennedy turned the focus from war to peace, making the competition about who would get to the moon first.

He brought in the smartest people and harnessed the resources of our nation. Getting to the moon became a shared goal of the American people. The President proclaimed, “It will not be one man going to the moon… It will be an entire nation. For all of us must work to put him there.”

And we did.

By comparison, when our soldiers went off to war in Afghanistan and Iraq ten years ago, our President told us to “go shopping”. Trillions of dollars have been added to the national debt as a result of these wars, but our leaders are still afraid to call upon us to “make sacrifices”.

So our unifying principle now appears to be simple self-interest, “looking out for Number One!”

And this concerns me, because what happens in the world also spills over into the Church. As Dan Dick wrote about in a recent blog (read here) we’re seeing the same polarity and self-interest being acted out in the pews.

“I will not stay in a church that allows homosexuals. Unless the church teaches that homosexuality is an abomination it is not a church.” “When I found out the church supported collective bargaining, I knew I had to leave. Let those people work for a living like the rest of us. The church has no right to tell me my politics.” “I will not attend a church that gives aid to illegals (immigrants). Those people are criminals and the church is criminal for supporting them. I will only contribute money to a church committed to sending them back where they belong.”

Dan responds, “We have taken the body of Christ and turned it into a shopping center for narcissists. It is all about ME. If I get things my way, I stay. If the church won’t revolve around ME, I am out of here.”

It doesn’t seem to matter that we are in agreement on 99% of the issues, he concludes. “Evidently, the greater good we are doing makes little difference when there are one or two things of which we might disapprove.”

Back to politics: President Obama was elected with the campaign slogan “Hope”.

Apparently that was just a slogan.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not one of the angry voters.

Oh, sure, “I blog and I vote”.

But when election time comes around again, I am reserving my vote for candidates who can show me a plan for re-uniting a fractured nation.

Because those voices in my head are still crying out, “Where are we going?” “What are we going to do when we get there?” “When will we get back?”

Funny, I used to think they were just talking to me.

I Want My MTV!

2011-08-04T10:06:00.001-05:00

Here at Banana Winds, we're all about "change". It's a constant theme in my life - change locations, change jobs, change the color of the walls, change the light bulbs!

But every now and then my heart yearns for days gone by.

I won't say "the Good Ol' Days" like the old folks do, because those days really weren't all that great! As a protective mechanism, our brains tend to make the past look better than it really was.

I was just reminded that 30 years ago Monday (August 1, 1981), MTV was born!

I don't remember a lot about my past, but I remember MTV.

Cable television was fairly new and I had just graduated from high school, waiting for college to begin. That meant a lot of late nights... just because I could!

Oh, I know the cable network is still on the air, but MTV is just not the same anymore. You know what I mean...

MTV originally stood for Music Television. It was almost non-stop music videos, 24 hours a day. Everyone knew they had to get thier music videos played on MTV. Recording artists were catapulted to stardom virtually overnight.

That is, if the video was any good.

For example, here's a bad attempt by Jimmy Buffett's people to make a hit video for MTV.

But the good videos stuck and stars were born!

MTV also created a new category of celebrities in their VJs - the video version of the DJs of radio. Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, J.J. Jackson, and - my favorite - Martha Quinn, were there to guide us through late nights of [ahem] studying!

Turns out, Martha's only four years older than me! Hmmmm!

Times change, and so does Cable TV. One would be tested to find music videos on MTV now, in the midst of all the other "reality shows" they broadcast. They are speaking to a new generation of television viewers.

Hey Church, are you listening?!?

Anyway, as a tribute to MTV's 30th birthday, here's the very first video broadcast, the Buggles' "Video Killed the Radio Star".

The "27 Club"

2011-07-25T16:43:00.001-05:00

On Saturday, singer and well-known drug addict Amy Winehouse died.

Why does she looked so surprised???

Reportedly, the cause of death was not confirmed by an autopsy.

But we know.

Amy was 27.

Celebs from Elton John to Lady Gaga tweeted their condolences. Even Tony Bennett called her “an extraordinary talent”, but lamented, “It had been my sincere hope that she would be able to overcome the issues she was battling…”

But now everyone is talking about the “27 Club”. Even USAToday recently ran a retrospective on all the great musicians who have died at age 27:

-Robert Johnson, the great blues guitarist, who claimed he sold his soul to the devil in order to play guitar, supposedly died at the hands of a jealous husband. (1938)

-Brian Jones, former guitarist with the Rolling Stones, drowned in his own swimming pool; substance abuse "may have been" a contributing factor. (1969)

-Guitar legend Jimi Hendrix, died famously by asphyxiating on his own vomit; again, drug-related. (1970)

-Janis Joplin, singer, died 16 days after Hendrix; also from a drug overdose. (1970)

-Jim Morrison, lead singer for The Doors, died in Paris in 1971; the official cause is listed as “heart failure”, but it was most likely alcohol-related.

Interesting side-note here: Christophe Maillet, a Morrison fan and owner of “The Lézard King” bar in Paris, was issued a cease-and-desist order from attorneys representing The Doors, saying the band does not want to be associated with a drinking establishment.

Hmmm...

-Kurt Cobain, lead singer of grunge band Nirvana, shot himself. (1994)

All of them were 27.

Coincidence?

Yeah, probably.

I mean, seriously, people die every day. Of the more than 100 funerals I have conducted over my 20+ years of ministry, most of the dearly departed have been 86. Yet we don’t talk about the “86 Club”!

And there’s a good reason for that. Groucho Marx died when he was 86. And he once said, “I’d never join a club that would have someone like me as a member!"

Seriously though, the people listed above just happened to all be famous musicians.

John Belushi died of a drug overdose in 1982 at the age of 33. Chris Farley also O.D.'d at 33. Is this the start of a comedians' “33 Club”?

So what about those artists who manage to survive past 27? What hope is there that they will ever be remembered? What hope is there that decades after they have "left the building", people will still swarm to see their gravesites?

BTW, Elvis was 41 when he O.D.'d.

And despite rumors to the contrary, yes, he really is dead!

But what about other great entertainers like Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Cher and Sir Elton John, Tina Turner and a whole host of others, who have long ago passed even that milestone?

Good news! There’s still hope! You still have a chance to be famous!

Comedian George Burns, died in 1996 – from age-related causes – becoming the first member of the “100 Club”!

"Say good night, Gracie!"

I May Start Drinking Coffee

2011-07-12T10:28:00.000-05:00

Several years ago, we traveled to California to attend a family wedding. We stayed in an expensive hotel, and the next morning walked down the street to a quaint sidewalk café for breakfast.

My “shot-glass” of fresh-squeezed orange juice cost me $4.

Karen ordered a cappuccino. It came out smothered with a pile of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. It actually looked tasty, so I asked if I could sample it. She answered, “Sure.”

Did I mention we were newly married ourselves?

Anyway, the sip was disappointing, to say the least. All that fluffy, whipped goodness simply camouflaged a cup o’ Joe.

Excuse me… a $7 cup of Joe!

I am not a coffee drinker. Frankly, I’m surprised they even let me be a preacher. I don’t drink coffee and I don’t play golf. I hate it when I attend church meetings and they only offer free coffee.

“Oh, there’s a Coke machine down the hall. I think they’re 75 cents.”

Anyway, recent news reports coming out of the Great Northwest have made me want to reconsider my drinking habits. It seems there is a proliferation of coffee shops in the Seattle area in which the baristas wear bikinis, lingerie, or other sexy costumes.

If the coffee won’t make you open your eyes in the morning, perhaps a little cleavage will!

It seems, however, that even with such a gimmick as this, tips are not what they should be, and some of the “bikini baristas” were recently arrested for showing a little extra in order to make a little extra!

After a nine-month undercover police investigation (I know, right?), four arrests were made at “Java Juggs” in Edmunds. Prostitution and “permitting” prostitution were the charges.

But the java wars are on!

Now, for Starbucks, it’s about the taste. But for others, anything goes. Some of these establishments serve lukewarm coffee that reportedly tastes like an ash tray; others add so much corn syrup-based flavors you can’t taste any coffee.

But, as you can guess, guys don’t go there for the coffee!

A Vietnamese chain of coffee-pushers in San Jose, California, has upped the ante by offering topless waitresses who also dance on the tables, the very thought of which makes horny men all across the country start humming, “Do you know the way to San Jose?”

Honesty, although I have been a regular customer at Hooters for many years, the thought of a topless waitress kind of grosses me out!

“Hey, put those things away! I’m trying to eat over here!”

Some claim this “bikini barista” phenomenon is degrading to women. But I’m all about free enterprise and female empowerment. If the women are working there of their own free will, they’re willing to wear the “uniform”, and it's legal, then I say, “You go, girl!”

Besides, it seems most of them can handle themselves quite well. At one coffee shop, some fat slob entered the work area unwelcomed and ended up with a face full of mace. At another shop, a perv exposed himself to the baristas – he got 90 days in jail, two years of supervised probation, and mandatory psychological-sexual treatment.

See, good things come from these places!

Just to be fair and balanced, in Puyallup, Washington (yes, it’s a real town near Tacoma), the “Rescue Me” coffee shop hires hunky fire fighters for baristas. The men are single and remain fully-clothed… except for Car Washes, when they go topless!

Sex objects? Yes.

Degrading to men? I don’t hear anyone complaining.

Would I do it?

Nah. Mostly because nobody would want to see my pudgy body anyway!

The real question is, would I drink a cup of coffee if it was served to me by a cutie in a bikini?

Could we make it a margarita instead???

So What Did I Miss???

2011-07-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

Having been away from my blog for about a month, I feel like I missed a lot. So having reviewed the news from the last month, I will recap for you the highs and lows:

-Sarah Palin rewrote history with regards to Paul Revere’s ride, and in the process stole the day’s press cycle from fellow Republican Mitt Romney as he announced his candidacy for the Presidency.

Coincidence? I think not.

-A Congressman from New York named Wiener got caught sending photos of his – yes – wiener to women. At first he promised to get help (well, duh!), then he resigned his congressional seat.

The comedy shows all had a field day with this one, so nothing more needs to be (nor can be) said.

Well, maybe just this:

-New York voted to allow same-sex marriages. And “Barefoot Wine” (one of my inexpensive favorites) hosted a pre-Gay Pride Parade party.

Does your wine taste "different" lately?

Just kidding!

But seriously, I still don’t understand how allowing two men to be married is going to at all affect or diminish my own marriage.

Yet, as expected, TV Evangelist Pat Robertson once again predicted that as a result, God will destroy America.

-Michelle Bachmann, another GOP Presidential hopeful, told folks in Iowa, “Well, what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That’s the kind of spirit I have too.”

Unfortunately for Bachmann, that was John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer. John Wayne, the actor, was born in Winterset, Iowa.

Bachmann also told one crowd of curious on-lookers that “the Founding Fathers didn’t rest until slavery was abolished!”

(Thump… Thump… Thump…) Is this microphone on? Hello?

-It was discovered that former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has fathered a child by another woman. Maria has filed for divorce.

News reports confirm that one’s looks have nothing to do with infidelity.

-Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was convicted on 17 of 20 charges of bribery and extortion while in office.

Hey, I thought this was Chicago!

-And speaking of Chicago, a handgun once owned by Al Capone was sold at auction for $110,000. A few days later, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” jacket sold for $1.8 million. And a few days after that, the only existing photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million.

Sorry, I don’t have anything funny to say about all that. Just found it interesting.

-Of course, the BIG news is that Charlie Sheen is being replaced by Demi Moore’s toy-boy, Ashton Kutcher on “Three and a Half Men”.

It will be interesting to see how they write off Charlie Harper and incorporate this new character, but that’s probably as interesting as the show’s going to get this season.

In other Charlie Sheen news – because, you know, it’s all about him! – Charlie’s stand-up show tanked, he’s still out of work, and his final “Goddess” has left him.

It must be difficult being Charlie Sheen! Wow!

-And finally, just this past weekend, a group of motorcycle enthusiasts staged a rally in Onondaga, NY, to protest wearing protective helmets. During the parade of motorcycles, one rider hit his brakes wrong, flipped over the handlebars, and landed on his head. He was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital.

Some say he might have survived had he been wearing a helmet.

Which leads me to say, if you’re not going to wear the helmet, at least buy the sidecar!

So that’s what I missed during all the packing and moving.

In other words, I didn’t miss a thing!

From the Homeport

2011-06-28T16:49:00.001-05:00

The Banana Winds is now docked in her new homeport of Paducah, KY, and the Captain and crew are busy getting her ready to sail again. Judging by the smell of the air, there are many adventures yet to be had.

You might be asking yourself, “Why does Paducah sound familiar?”

Or, maybe not.

For one thing, your humble Captain grew up in Paducah.

Okay, so I haven't made it famous... yet!

The city is also home to:
-Author Irvin S. Cobb

     -John Scopes, of the famous Scopes Monkey Trial
     -Alben Barkley, vice president under President Harry S Truman
     -Saxaphonist Boots Randolph
     -Professional Baseball players Phil Roof (California Angels 1965), Steve Finley (Angels 2005) and Terry Shumpert. (I went to high school with the latter two.)
     -Contemporary Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman
     -Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (born while Bruce was making the film “In Country” here.)

Vernon Carver Rudolph, founder of Krispy Kreme, developed his famous donut recipe here. (Yet Paducah still doesn’t have a Krispy Kreme Donut Shop.)

But the city’s most famous and interesting resident is Charles “Speedy” Atkins. Speedy died in 1928 in a fishing accident. His body was taken to Hammock’s Funeral Home for a pauper’s burial. The funeral director experimented with the body, using a new embalming fluid he developed, which literally petrified Speedy’s body. The body was then put on display at the funeral home.

Wait, the story gets better. In the Great Flood of 1937, the funeral home – and Speedy – washed away in the flood waters. Speedy was later returned to the Hammocks as a flood victim!

He was finally laid to rest in 1994, but not before traveling across the country to make appearances on several television shows.

Didn’t I say there were adventures yet to be had?!?

So climb aboard, fair travelers! There be lots of pillagin’ and plunderin’ to be done!

We're Moving!

2011-06-02T17:58:00.000-05:00

The crew of the "Banana Winds" is preparing the ship to to sail to a new port. We'll not have time to write new blogs for a couple of weeks.

But mark my word - we're heading out looking for new adventures, so be sure to check back here often!

Tequila!

2011-05-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

... and the Buffett concert on Saturday night was great...

...as expected!

One More Cheap Shot...

2011-05-24T16:20:00.000-05:00

I know... but you've got to admit, it's funny!

Not that we'd know...

2011-05-22T15:35:00.000-05:00

Countdown!

2011-05-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

Midnight show tonight at Malco's Paradiso in Memphis!

AAARRRRR!

More Whine!

2011-05-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

The rivers have crested at Paducah and at Memphis, so the news media have packed up in those cities and have moved down river for the next inane report with the weather guy in hip waders standing in deep water.

Okay! It’s a flood. We get it!

As the high waters move south, USATODAY headed north to Missouri to get local reactions to the demolition of a section of Birds Point Levee, which effectively saved the town of Cairo, IL, but flooded 130,000 acres of prime Missouri farmland.

First, a little boring history.

The spillway was established by the Army Corp of Engineers following the great flood of 1927. By design, should the river reach 61 feet at Cairo, the levee would be blown and the water would be safely diverted. Another levee at New Madrid would be blown to release the water back into the Mississippi River farther down stream.

Originally, the levees were designed to erode with the rising water. But in 1937, the levee failed to erode and the COE had to use dynamite to open up the spillway. In 1983, pipes were laid within the levee, into which liquid explosives could be pumped and detonated.

This is what happened on May 2, 2011, as the river at Cairo was measured at 61.5 feet and rising.

Breaking the levee was met with considerable resistance, from the farmers who lived on and worked the land and from the Missouri state legislature. Some even tried to get the U.S. Supreme Court involved.

And in the process, some pretty mean things were said, not the least of which came from the Speaker of the House in the Missouri legislature. He argued in favor of letting Cairo flood, publicly saying, “Have you seen Cairo recently?”

Cairo (pronounced KAY-row) was once a booming little river port with a population of 15,000. Over the last 90 years, however, the town has declined to a population of around 2,800 – mostly poor, mostly black.

The representative photo used on Wikipedia is labeled, “Abandoned downtown Cairo”.

But a U.S. District Judge, siding with the small town and noting the broad discretion given to the COE concerning the operation of such spillways in a 1984 ruling, declared that the levee could be broken and the Missouri farmland flooded.

Now, back to the present.

Farmers who lived and worked in the COE-designated spillway returned to their flooded lands earlier this week, and USATODAY was there to mine their “feelings”.

Now, the crew of the Banana Winds have come up with a unique hypothesis about such. We suspect that news reporters are actually alien beings from another planet who subsist entirely on the emotions of humans.

Before dismissing this as foolishness, think about it: following a report on a plane crash that kills everyone on board, the reporters immediately turn to grieving family members and ask, “How does this make you feel?”

When a home burns down and small children and pets die in the fire, the reporters immediately turn to family members and neighbors and ask, “How does this make you feel?”

Coincidence? I think not.

I’ll be watching you, Mike Matthews!

And, as expected, the Missouri farmers are upset… distraught… angry.

One farmer was quoted as saying, “In my lifetime, I have never suffered like this."

Then you have been truly blessed up to this point, my friend.

Another griped, “I don’t want to lose my way of life, and they threatened that. They’re messing with it. It actually just makes me angry more than anything.”

And when Americans get angry, they sue. In fact, a lawsuit has already been filed in a federal court seeking “unspecified damages”.

A small part of my heart goes out to them.

But only a small part.

A very small part.

Here’s my thinking on this.

Yes, you know I'm going to give my opinion.

And yet you are still reading!

The New Madrid Floodway Project, as it is officially known, was initiated after the 1927 flood. The 130,000 acres within the spillway have been designated as such for some 80 years now. The people who farm the land, and who were foolish enough to build houses within a known, designated COE spillway, knew that there was always a chance the land would be flooded.

But who would have ever suspected that a 100-year flood would strike in year #74?

I suspect the folks who survived the 1927 flood were somewhat surprised when the next 100-year flood hit only 10 years later!

- Paducah 1937 -

So, these farmers in Missouri are gamblers. They went all in, betting the house and the farm against the possibility of another major flood.

And they lost.

I suppose those who bet on PANTS ON FIRE at last week’s Kentucky Derby would like to have their money back too. Coming off at 20-to-1, with female jockey Anna Napravnik in the saddle, I thought he was a sure thing.

But when you gamble and lose, you don’t get your money back. It’s true in horse racing, it’s true in cards, it’s true in dice.

And it’s true in farming.

To the folks who lived in the spillway, I’m sorry. You gambled and lost. You don’t get to sue. Consider it an expensive lesson.

Now go learn from your mistakes.

Tight Schedule

2011-05-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

Just checked my calendar...

Opening May 20th...

Coming May 21st...

I guess I'll have to go on opening night!

The Three Sillies

2011-04-27T17:33:00.000-05:00

Can you remember the most formative book from your childhood?

Now, some of you might be thinking, “He’s a preacher, so he’s going to say, ‘The Bible’, right?”

C’mon, not every answer is, “Jesus!”

He's also a Pyrat, but not everything's about Rum!

Sometimes it's about beer, or wine, or tequila!

And don't forget the booty!

As a child, my favorite book was a collection of fairy tales. In those stories of distant kingdoms, dark forests, wicked witches and damsels in distress, were lessons for life. In fact, many of the unsanitized versions of the tales of the Brothers Grimm were specifically designed to scare small children into doing right.

Nonetheless, my favorite – and most formative – tale was called “The Three Sillies”.

The story is about a young farmer’s daughter being courted by a gentleman. He arrives at the farmhouse one evening, and the parents send the young woman to the cellar to draw a pitcher of beer.

This time, however, on her trip to the cellar, she notices a large wooden mallet stuck in the rafters above where she is drawing the beer. As the tap flows, her mind begins to wander, and she imagines marrying the gentleman. They have a son, who grows up and one day comes to that very cellar to draw beer. But on that day, the large wooden mallet dislodges itself and falls on the son’s head and kills him. The woman sits down and cries for her “poor dead son”.

Her mother comes in search of her, upon which she recounts the whole imaginary tale, and the mother bursts into tears herself. The father, likewise, ends up with them, crying in the middle of the cellar for his “dead grandson”.

Finally, the gentleman comes in search of his beer. When apprised of the situation, he tells them they are the silliest people he has ever met. He declares he is leaving on a long journey, and will not return to marry the daughter unless he finds three people more silly than they.

Fortunately, he does find three sillier people, and the story has a happy ending. I encourage you to Google “The Three Sillies” to get all the details. I promise, it’ll be worth the effort.

Here are three points I learned from this simple, silly story.

First, crying about “what might be” is never productive. In fact, it often just makes you look silly. The truth is, the future is not in our hands; you can’t 100% predict what might be. For example, you can live a healthy life – eat right, exercise, avoid excesses – but then you get hit by a bus on your way to work. And while that “might happen”, it is sillier to not eat right, exercise and avoid excesses simply for fear of getting hit by a bus!

Second, be proactive. When you see a hammer that could potentially fall on someone’s head (whether real or metaphorical), do something about it. Get a chair or a long stick or whatever it takes and dislodge the problem. Then, the next time you go to draw your beer, you won’t have to worry about something falling on your head. How simple is that?

And third, no matter how silly you are, trust me, there is always someone sillier than you.

For example, in the news this week:

1) President Barack Obama has finally released the official copy of his birth certificate, proving once and for all that he is a natural-born citizen of the United States of America, and putting to rest an issue that has dogged him since the presidential campaign of 2008. The POTUS makes the "silly" list because the truth is, only about 4% of news coverage in recent days has been about his birth certificate, and that mostly from the second biggest “silly” – Donald Trump!

2) Yes, in recent weeks Donald Trump has made an issue of the President’s birth certificate, picking up on an old theme that most had stopped talking about more than a year ago. “The Donald” even announced he had sent a crack team of investigators to Hawaii searching for “the truth”. “And they have already found some pretty disturbing things,” he said, although he wouldn’t elaborate.

But now that the President has released the official document, Trump’s response is (predictably), ‘It is rather amazing that all of the sudden the document surfaces… It should be inspected to ensure its authenticity.’

Of course, in true Trump fashion, he takes full credit for “forcing” the President to release the document, "...something no one else has been able to do."

3) And finally, our third “silly” is 89-year-old Harold Camping, who, through careful examination of the Bible has determined that Judgment Day will occur on May 21, 2011.

(I was going to wait to write about this one, but I was afraid some of you might not be around to read it!)

Obviously then, says Camping, the End of the World will follow five months later, on October 21st.

What’s really amazing about this – besides the fact that he’s got a small army of followers who are fronting money to buy billboards announcing the End of the World – is how he arrived at this date. Bible Scholars, pay close attention now!

According to an article in HuffPo, Camping claims, “…the Bible contains clues that brook no argument. God tells Noah the world will end in seven days; the Bible also equates a day to 1,000 years. The date of the flood has been set at 4990 B.C., so adding 7,000 years plus one for the missing year "0" produces the year 2011. Translating a biblical reference to a month and day, from the Hebrew calendar to the Gregorian, results in May 21.”

I must have skipped that day in seminary…

Anyway, I believe I have found three people sillier than myself… in just a week!

And with that, I am returning to the farmhouse for that pint of beer!

Gee, I hope that farmer’s daughter is cute!

Easter and Christmas

2011-04-23T10:39:00.000-05:00

Some say Christians don't have a sense of humor.

I disagree. I'm a Christian and I think this clip is hilarious!

(Eddie Izzard, clip from "Dress to Kill")

The Captain Is Constipated!

2011-04-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

No, it’s not what you think!

As a rule, the Captain doesn’t talk about bodily functions. That only leads to others chiming in with their grossest stories, and… well, frankly, the Captain has a weak stomach!

Another rule the Captain has is not talking about one’s self in the third person.

Sorry about that.

No, I’m talking about a painful blockage in my Blog. My blogging has slowed down considerably in recent weeks, almost to a mere trickle of re-posted laughs and YouTube clips.

Some of this, I realize, is due to having started a second, more serious-minded, blog (go to The Itinerant Minister).

But the real cause for the mental constipation is an issue I am struggling with silently. As some of you who read this blog know, I was recently offered the opportunity to serve a different church in a different city come June 22nd.

That would be Reidland UMC, for those of you familiar with the geography.

There was no urgent reason for making this move. We are quite happy at our current appointment – the work remains challenging and interesting. In fact, the church is about to open its doors to a start-up Guatemalan congregation! Spanish-language worship! How cool is that?!?

Now I really wish I had studied harder when taking Spanish in high school and college.

And the congregation seems pleased with my ministry and leadership here.

Or, at least they did until the Superintendent called a special meeting of the Staff-Parish Relations Committee (SPRC). Now, all we get are sad eyes and, “We’re going to miss you.”

The decision to move was simply a matter of timing. We saw it as an opportunity to return to the Paducah area, to be closer to family at an important time in our lives. Realizing that such an opportunity might not come around again for several more years, we said, “Yes.”

My leaving, by the way, has allowed the Bishop to appoint an African-American pastor in my place. For a congregation trying to minister to a neighborhood that is 92% African-American and 4% Hispanic and Asian, I believe it’s the right thing to do.

I am an itinerant minister. When I was ordained in The United Methodist Church, I agreed to a transient life. We arrive, we minister, we move on. It’s a Pyrat’s life, one I have accepted as my own. The “Banana Winds” is always ready to sail!

With each new voyage, there wells up within me a feeling of anticipation and excitement, looking forward to new opportunities and new challenges. And the congregation I am projected to serve next promises both!

I met with my future SPRC a month ago. And since then, it has been hard to concentrate on the present. I keep telling myself, “Stay focused… at least through Easter.” But I confess, it’s been difficult. I dare say it was almost easier five years ago when we were given less than a month’s notice that we were moving to Memphis!

The struggle for me is to hide the excitement I feel about the new congregation when I’m in the presence of the present congregation. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so for the most part I just avoid the conversation. And I avoid comparisons. I play down the differences when people ask me about my future congregation.

“Oh, there’s only about 100 more members…”
“Aren’t all UM congregations growing older and grayer?”
“Yes, I think there will be a small pay raise…”
“Yes, they have a nice parsonage for us. But we really liked the improvements we’ve made to this one…”

All of it true, but understated.

What I don’t say is, the future congregation is stable, both financially and in terms of membership… and I haven’t experienced a church like that in the past 11 years.

And what I don’t say is, the future congregation is forward-looking. They just invested in a complete renovation of the sound system, and have added a video projector as well as video cameras in the sanctuary. They’ll be looking to me to help lead them into a new era in worship using modern technology and methods, and to somehow connect with the young adults in the community they have identified as missing from their church.

There will be the usual congregational struggles, administrative issues, and staffing problems. And, any time you make changes to the worship service, there will be conflicts. So it won’t be a Cake-Walk.

But I am excited about it and looking forward to June 22nd like it was December 25th!

So there. I said it.

They say confession is good for the soul. Hopefully, it will be good for the Blog as well.

I mean, seriously, I didn’t write a follow-up to my “National Margarita Day” blog. My bad. That recipe I gave you for a margarita – you know, the one with one part lime, two parts triple sec and three parts tequila? You should probably avoid that.

And if you do use the recipe, avoid a second round!

Wow! I think the recipe was written by an AA drop-out.

And what about all the yahoos in the GOP jockeying for position to be the presidential candidate in 2012… Donald Trump is the front-runner? Do you guys really like President Obama that much?

And then there was the news that Glenn Beck got fired from Fox! How funny is that! It wasn’t because he said something bizarre on-air – no, that’s why they hired him in the first place! Despite his “Rally to Restore America” and his shameless pandering to the Tea Party, Beck’s ratings were dropping like a Led Zeppelin.

Now he says he’s going to invent the internet… or something like that. Who cares.

So, now it’s all out there. No more suffering in silence.

So hoist the sails and let’s get the “Banana Winds” under way! It looks like a good day for sailing!

Happy Birthday, Charlie!

2011-04-16T08:15:00.000-05:00

Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin

born April 16, 1889

One of the Best!

The Countdown Begins

2011-04-07T16:35:00.001-05:00

There is a little more than a month until the opening of "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides"!

What? Not what you were expecting???

Yes, Johnny Depp dons the wig and make-up of the ~~gay~~ whimsical Captain Jack Sparrow, as the Black Pearls sails in search of the Fountain of Youth.

Geoffrey Rush, fresh off of an award-winning role in "The King's Speech", will return as Captain Barbossa.

Even Keith Richards will reprise his role as Sparrow's pirate dad, Captain Teague.

Adding to the ensemble for the fourth installment of the POC franchise - and probably the show-stealer - will be Ian McShane, my favorite western bad guy and owner of the Gem Saloon in the HBO western "Deadwood".

Here he will play my favorite pirate bad guy, Blackbeard.

This ought to be good!

And, if the plot's weak and the acting bad, Spanish-born actress Penelope Cruz will provide the eye candy!

I already have a feeling this will be my favorite of the POC franchise!

Coming to a theater near you on Friday, May 20th... in 3-D... naturally!

R.I.P.

2011-04-01T10:10:00.000-05:00

Knut, the Polar Bear

December 2006 - March 2011

The flags of the "Banana Winds" are flying low today as we received word of the passing of our beloved Knut.

The following is from the Associated Press wire:

BERLIN – Germany’s celebrity polar bear Knut died from drowning after collapsing due to swelling of his brain and falling into his enclosure's pool, an expert said Friday.

Pathologist Claudia Szentiks said a necropsy of the four-year-old bear who died suddenly two weeks ago showed he was suffering from encephalitis, an irritation and swelling of the brain that was likely brought on by an infection.

She said it was unclear specifically what caused the brain swelling, but that experts had ruled out rabies, botulism and bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known as mad cow disease.

Szentiks also rejected allegations from animal-rights groups that he was traumatized by living in a zoo environment, saying that there were no indications of any chronic stress.

She added that even if Knut had not drowned after his collapse, he would not have survived the damage from the encephalitis.

Knut died March 19 in front of visitors at Berlin zoo, turning around several times and then falling into the water in his enclosure. Polar bears usually live 15 to 20 years in the wild and even longer in captivity.

Knut, who was born in December 2006 at the zoo, rose to celebrity status as an irresistibly cute, fluffy cub.

Knut was rejected by his mother at birth - along with his twin brother, who only survived a couple of days. He attracted attention when his main caregiver, Thomas Doerflein, camped out at the zoo to give the button-eyed cub his bottle every two hours.

The bear went on to appear on magazine covers, in a film and on mountains of merchandise.

Doerflein, the zookeeper who raised him, died in 2008 of a heart attack.

I Don't Get It

2011-03-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

First of all, is this guy on crack or what?

I mean, he looks like Keith Richards on a bad day!

(No, that's Keith Richards on a GOOD day!)

Second, what the hell is his name?!?

Muammar Qaddafi... Mo'ammar Gadhafi... Muammar Kaddafi... Muammar Qadhafi... Moammar El Kadhafi... Muammar Gadafi... Mu'ammar al-Qadafi... Moamer El Kazzafi... Moamar al-Gaddafi... Mu'ammar Al Qathafi... Muammar Al Qathafi... Mo'ammar el-Gadhafi... Moamar El Kadhafi... Muammar al-Qadhafi... Mu'ammar al-Qadhdhafi... Mu'ammar Qadafi... Moamar Gaddafi... Mu'ammar Qadhdhafi... Muammar Khaddafi... Muammar al-Khaddafi... Mu'amar al-Kadafi... Muammar Ghaddafy... Muammar Ghadafi... Muammar Ghaddafi... Muamar Kaddafi... Muammar Quathafi... Mohammer Q'udafi... Muammar Gheddafi... Muamar Al-Kaddafi... Moammar Khadafy... Moammar Qudhafi... Mu'ammar al-Qaddafi... ???

According that universally-revered online reference guide, Wikipedia, the possiblities are seemingly endless:

Whatever. I suspect soon they will be pronouncing him "Dead".

And finally, while I'm on a roll, how does a crack-head like this convince a group of gorgeous women to remain virgins, submit to three years of training on how to manually maim and kill, and serve as his personal body guards?

In 1998, one of them threw herself over the madman as militants tried to assasinate him. She and two others were killed in a hail of bullets; Gaddafi escaped unharmed.

I feel like I missed a day during my college class in "Dictatorship 101".

I just don't get it!

"Get Ripple!"

2011-03-22T22:58:00.001-05:00

"Ring-a-ding flavor!"

"It's the new drink for lively people!"

"It's the wine that winks back at you!"

Har! Har!

Who writes this stuff!?!

It's 5 O'Clock

2011-03-17T16:52:00.000-05:00

When I moved away from a previous church, the congregation gave me one of those “atomic clocks” as a parting gift. Taking a radio signal from a satellite, it promised to always be correct, down to 1/100th of a second.

That was about 10 years ago, when such devices were “newfangled” and expensive.

About a year ago, it stopped. Changing the battery did not bring new life to it. And I would have discarded it, but it stopped at 5 o’clock!

I sh** thee not!

So now, instead of “Five O’clock Somewhere”, it’s always five o’clock right here!

Now if I could just find a bathroom scale like that. You know – one that perpetually reads “175”.

Ah, those were the days!

I skipped going to the gym for two weeks. A lingering head cold obstructed my breathing – not a good condition for exercising.

I finally got back to it yesterday morning and it felt good.

Now, at my gym, when I mount the stationary bicycle, I can see no less than eight television monitors. Most are tuned to ESPN, some to news networks, one usually has “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” or something like that.

I confess I even watch Wendy Williams from time to time.

OMG! Is she for real?!?

Yesterday morning, as you might imagine, the news was all about the recent earthquake in Japan and the nuclear situation there that is reaching critical stages.

On “Headline News”, it was wall-to-wall coverage – experts intelligently discussing the latest on the state of the reactors, the latest death count, and how this disaster will affect the world economy.

On the “TODAY” show, Ann Curry and Lester Holt were on the ground in Japan, sending back live reports to Matt and Meredith in the studio. That red-hot "Dr. Nancy" - smart AND beautiful all in one package! - told about the effects of radiation on the human body.

But on Fox “News”, the talking heads were badgering President Obama for taking time away from the crisis in Japan in order to fill out his brackets for March Madness!

For some reason, Fox believes the President’s job is to sit and endlessly wring his hands about everything happening everywhere in the world!

“He’s not paying enough attention to the civil war in Libya!”
“He’s not paying enough attention to the civil unrest in Bahrain!”
“He’s not paying enough attention to the earthquake in Japan!”

Jimmy Carter did this when he occupied the Oval Office. It depressed the nation and the man aged 20 years overnight!

What if President Obama did this? What if he devoted his full attention to any one of these current events – events over which he has no control or responsibility?

Well, sure, then they’d be crying, “He’s not paying enough attention to matters at home!”

You can’t win.

Someone tell me again why anyone would want to be President?

But as I sat there and lip-read the news on Fox, the realization came to me: apparently for the jerks at Fox, the crisis in Japan is less important than how the President is spending his day!

Gotcha, Fox “News”!

Among AA circles you will find the Serenity Prayer. It has been attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. I find it helpful in times like this. It says,

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Or as a great musical duo once sang, “It’s five o’clock somewhere!”

In fact, it is right here, right now! Gotta sail!

To all my ship mates, Have a GREAT St. Patty's Day!

Timing Is Everything!

2011-03-14T17:21:00.000-05:00

They say in comedy, "Timing is everything." Indeed it is.

And some might be saying right about now that Captain Dave's timing is a little bit off.

'Is the Captain making a joke about the earthquake in Japan less than a week after thousands of people died due to the quake and resulting tsunami?'

No, there's nothing funny about any of that.

There never will be.

But think with me for a moment about the Godzilla mythology. One of the greatest monsters of film lore, the creature first appeared on the silver screen in 1954, less than 10 years after the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan to end that chapter of World War II.

One might think the timing was off on that one too!

Despite its different mutations (excuse the pun!) over the last 50 years, the original Godzilla movie was a morality play about the dangers of atomic / nuclear power. The prehistoric creature grew to monstrous size and strength, and ravaged Japan... all due to atomic radiation.

And one might think the Japanese people would have understood the lesson. After all, those who survived the two atomic blasts of 1945 saw the devastation that energy wrought.

But now, in 2011, Japan has three nuclear power plants at the edge of meltdown because of an earthquake larger than anyone every imagined.

Just a couple weeks ago, a member of my Sunday School class argued passionately that nuclear power was the answer to America's energy problems. He blamed government regulations on killing the industry.

After Friday's quake, I stand by my original argument.

Nuclear power is not safe. It never will be.

And yes, now is the perfect time to have that discussion!

Buffett Tour 2011

2011-03-10T11:35:00.001-06:00

Update: Just scored two tickets for May 28th in Nashville! Whoo-hoo!

* * *

Jimmy Buffett's latest tour has been announced!

04.16.2011 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre Tampa, FL

04.19.2011 Time Warner Cable Music Pavilion Raleigh, NC

04.21.2011 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

04.23.2011 Cruzan Amphitheatre West Palm Beach, FL

04.28.2011 Naval Aviation Museum Foundation Benefit Pensacola, FL

04.30.2011 Sprint Center Kansas City, MO

05.03.2011 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre St. Louis, MO

05.05.2011 Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion Houston, TX

05.07.2011 The New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival New Orleans, LA

05.21.2011 Pizza Hut Park Frisco, TX

05.24.2011 Aaron's Amphitheatre at Lakewood Atlanta, GA

05.26.2011 Farm Bureau Live at Virginia Beach Virginia Beach, VA

05.28.2011 Bridgestone Arena Nashville, TN

06.18.2011 Comcast Center Mansfield, MA

07.19.2011 Blossom Music Center Cleveland, OH

07.21.2011 DTE Energy Music Theatre Detroit, MI

07.23.2011 Toyota Park Chicago, IL

08.19.2011 Nikon At Jones Beach Theater New York, NY

08.23.2011 Riverbend Music Center Cincinnati, OH

08.25.2011 Verizon Wireless Music Center Indianapolis, IN

09.26.2011 L'Olympia Paris, France

Happy Mardi Gras 2011!

2011-03-07T07:52:00.000-06:00

The Krewe of Bacchus rolled through the streets of New Orleans Sunday, March 6th.

Let the Good Times Roll!!!

Surrender the Booty!

2011-03-04T14:42:00.001-06:00

The Roman Catholic Church is in the news again.

"Kyrie Eleison!" (That's Latin for, "Lord help us!")

Not to worry. This time it is more positive news. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has approved a new translation of the Bible.

News media around the country immediately picked up on the story, especially one of the changes: they are removing the word “booty” from the Bible.

Heh – heh – heh! You said “booty”!

Yes, it’s true. In popular culture, the word “booty” is now mostly an anatomical reference. And for some Bible readers, "booty" can be a distraction.

Heh – heh – heh! You said it again!

Even those of a Pyratical bent are sometimes confused about just exactly what we’re chasing!

And so, for the four times the word is used in the Old Testament, the Catholic Church is surrendering the “booty” and replacing it with “spoils of war”.

Heh – heh – huh?

And that’s what happens when you let 3rd grade boys write your news articles.

Yes, I’m talking to you, NPR, HuffPo, USAToday, and many, many more.

Despite what the headlines would lead one to believe, “booty” isn’t the only change being made. For example, because of the connection with the genocide of WWII, the word “holocaust” will be replaced by the phrase “burnt offerings”. And because “cereal” is now a sugar-covered breakfast food, the new Bible will simply say “grain”.

The “ideal wife” in Proverbs will now be a “woman of worth”. And the 23rd Psalm will read “shadow of death” once again instead of “dark valley”.

I know. Those changes will not sell newspapers.

But here is one change that caught my attention. Instead of “vigin”, the critical passage in Isaiah that foretells the birth of Jesus will read, “young woman”.

Now, our Protestant Bibles have noted for many years that the Hebrew word “almah” means simply “young woman” and not specifically “virgin”. But in Roman Catholic doctrine, the virginity of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is crucial. She is the “ever-Virgin Mary”, the “blessed Virgin Mary”, the "BVM"!

Somehow, "ever-Young Woman Mary" and "blessed Young Woman Mary" (BYWM) just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Church officials insist that this change does not signal a change in the church’s position. However, one has to wonder if the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops ran this change by Pope Benedict XVI before giving it over to the publishers... although this Pope is much more "progressive" than many of his predecessors.

In fact, here he is taking a cell call when he is supposed to be healing this blind man!

The New American Bible (revised edition) will be released on Ash Wednesday (that’s next week!) and made available in print, as an eBook, as an “app” for cell phones, and in a Braille edition.

The “progressive” Pope Benedict, by the way, has his own Facebook page with undoubtedly millions of "friends".

I wonder if Jesus has friended him yet?

There Be (Real) Pirates!

2011-02-23T17:32:00.002-06:00

Okay, so as you may have noticed, I recently converted “Banana Winds” over into the pirate-themed amusement you are presently enjoying. The purpose was two-fold. First, I like pirates! I grew up with the stories of “Treasure Island” and Blackbeard and all those other scurvy dogs! And I am naturally drawn to the warmer climes of the Caribbean.

Regrettably, as Jimmy Buffett sings, I was born 200 years too late!

The second reason for the change is that I’m planning to launch a more serious blog in the months to come, separating the light-hearted “Captain Dave” from the more pensive “Bro. Dave”.

That guy can really be "preachy"!

Y’know, when I say it that way, it makes me sound kinda schizophrenic!

But as they say in show-business, “Timing is everything”. And this time, the timing is off… in a big way! Just this week, off the coast of Somalia, pirates have struck yet again. They boarded a 58-foot yacht and took the four-person crew hostage. Yet, before the negotiations for ransom were much underway, they killed the four civilians who were – of all things – on a multi-year trek sailing around the world distributing Bibles.

Sigh.

Sure, a number of jokes come to mind, but I don’t wish to make light of the situation. While I find Johnny Depp and the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise to be entertaining, and admittedly have often dreamed of the life of adventure that Errol Flynn promised us, I suspect that most of us have failed to acknowledge that pirates still ride the high seas, looking for whatever they can plunder – from small crafts to cruise ships to oil tankers.

It was only a couple years ago that the television show “South Park” tried to bring awareness to the growing problem of pirates operating off the horn of Africa. In that episode, titled “Fatbeard”, the boys start a Pirate Club at school, then travel the high seas recruiting other pirates.

When they actually encounter some real Somali pirates, Cartman is disappointed by their lack of stereotypical piratocity.

They’re not pirate-y enough!

But the reality is not so funny.

The nation of Somolia is ruled by a loose coalition of warlords and the economy is severely depressed. As with Caribbean islands of old, pirates come and go at will. In fact, most are hailed as heroes, as they bring their modern-day booty back to their starving villages. It is estimated that currently some forty ships and 800 crew members are being held hostage as international negotiations for ransom plod along.

Nonetheless, the “Banana Winds” will continue to sail. Those who sail with us must pledge to continue to drink the grog and chase after booty, and say things that end in “Aaaarrr!”… just because it’s fun.

I just wanted you to know that I know.

It's National Margarita Day!

2011-02-21T21:34:00.000-06:00

Today is National Margarita Day, a day to lift a frosty beverage in honor of… uhmmmm…

Margarita!!!

Yes, today we drink in honor of Margarita, who was… uhmmmm…

Oh, what the hell! We don’t need no reason to drink Margaritas! Just tip it up and enjoy!

Oh, alright, if you must. According to legend, the Margarita was named after Margarita Sames, who created the drink in 1948 for a party at her cliff-side hacienda in Acapulco. The story goes that this mythical drink helped the party continue for two weeks!

You see? “Banana Winds” is educational as well as entertaining! Feel better now?

Okay!

So, Happy National Margarita Day!

For those who don’t imbibe, who suffer from hypertension (too much salt!) or who have a problem with alcohol and shouldn’t drink, today is also George Washington’s Birthday and thus, naturally, National Cherry Pie Day!

It also happens to be National "Cook a Sweet Potato" Day! And tomorrow is National Banana Bread Day, followed oddly on Thursday by National Tortilla Chip Day. And let’s not forget National Guacamole Day, which falls on September 16th.

Now do you see why I drink?!?

Okay, moment of honesty: I don't need a reason to drink!

Margaritas deserve the recognition though. According to people who know, it was the most popular drink ordered in 2008, representing 18% of all mixed drink sales in the U.S. – not including Jimmy Buffett concerts!

On average, Americans drink 185,000 Margaritas per hour – a typical Jimmy Buffett concert!

I sh*t thee not!

If you want to throw together a quick and easy Margarita today, just mix 1 part fresh lime juice with 2 parts triple sec and 3 parts tequila. Shake with ice and serve in a salt-rimmed glass. There are hundreds of other Margarita recipes out there – some of which use fruit juices others than lime, which I consider criminal – so try out several to find a formula you like.

Or if you’re too lazy to make your own, Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville mix is good; just add tequila (preferably Margaritaville Tequila!). And if you’re too lazy for even that, Jose Cuervo bottles a pre-mixed Margarita.

For those who will be disappointed and hung over tomorrow, you can anxiously await the next holiday. April 7th is National Beer Day, preceded by “New Beer’s Eve”; not to be confused with September 28th, “National Drink a Beer Day”.

June 19th is National Martini Day, and July 19th is National Piňa Colada Day.

There seems to be some disagreement about National Bloody Mary Day. Some celebrate it December 1st, while others celebrate it January 1st, coinciding with National "Hair of the Dog That Bit You" Day.

But remember: whatever you drink, drink responsibly. No one likes a sloppy drunk.

No, really.

I'm talking to you, Lindsay Lohan!

Here’s a classic Jimmy Buffett video to help get your Margarita celebrations started today!

And by "classic" I mean it's an oldie but goodie! Try to ignore the hair styles and fashions the band wears!

A Moment of Politics

2011-02-19T13:04:00.002-06:00

(For those who come to “Banana Winds” for a moment of levity, I apologize in advance for the following serious political commentary. Tuesday is “National Margarita Day”, so check back then.)

For the most part, I try to avoid discussions of politics. As an independent thinker, instead of aligning with a “party”, I try to look at the issues and individuals involved and make up my own mind.

Truth is, I don’t 100% agree with anyone about anything.

For the same reason, I didn’t join a fraternity in college. I couldn’t align myself completely with any of those offered. The same holds true for the numerous adult fraternal organizations and clubs. I have friends who are faithful “Lions” and “Kiwanians”. They do good things. But I am not one of them. And while my grandfathers were devoted Masons, I just don’t find room for that in my life, or in my faith and philosophy.

And now that I’ve pissed off everyone who belongs to such organizations, I return the discussion to politics.

In many ways, I think politicians of every party are all alike. Despite perhaps noble stands prior to their ascent into office, most are sucked into the whirling vortex of American politics. They are expected to vote along “party lines”, if only to stick it to the other party. "Ideals" are quaint; compromise is the name of the game.

But most damning, they too often succumb to doing whatever is necessary to get re-elected. Political outsider Stephen Fincher (R-Tennessee) was elected this past November to represent the 8th district of Tennessee, and even before he was sworn into office, he started setting up a PAC so he could raise money for re-election. Money, sex, power and influence have a strong pull that continually drags down our political system.

But I came across a news article this morning that may force me to make a definite stand with a political party – in this case, the Democrats.

According to the report, the Republican-majority House of Representatives pushed through a spending bill with $61 billion in cuts to domestic programs. The vote pretty much followed party lines, 235-189.

The cuts were in areas of school nutrition programs, environmental protection, and heating and housing subsidies for the poor. The bill also does away with all federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but continues subsidies for Amtrak. It also gives a 2% increase to the Pentagon.

But, as they say on info-mercials, “Wait, that’s not all!” The Environmental Protection Agency’s budget was cut by 1/3 and its powers curtailed. The bill blocks proposed federal regulations on emission of greenhouse gases, mercury emissions from cement, and the proposed increase of the percentage of ethanol mixed with gasoline (from 10% to 15%).

It also blocks the planned clean-up of Chesapeake Bay, the largest estuary in the United States and the source of clams, oysters and blue crabs, which we all love so much. Dead Zones (areas unable to support aquatic life) were identified in the Bay as far back as the 1970s, which affect the entire food chain.

The Republican bill also allows for mountain top removal for mining.

Obviously, the Republican Party is taking the position that “Big Business” is more important to them than clean water, fresh air and… well,… blue crabs. Their vision for our country is obviously not the one described in the song, “America the Beautiful”, but more like this:

I am not a “tree-hugger”, but I do somewhat understand the ecosystem. To paraphrase the words of Chief Seattle,

“Man did not weave the web of life: he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself. Even the [Republican], whose God walks and talks with him as friend to friend, cannot be exempt from the common destiny."

I pray the Democrat-controlled Senate can stop this train wreck and not let this bill get through. Democrats or Republicans, God help us, we need some leadership in Washington that will make America strong again!

And that means taking care of the least of us, not just feathering the nests of the rich and powerful.

It's the Middle of February!

2011-02-16T12:02:00.002-06:00

Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T11:52:00.000-06:00

Wine, Wine, Wine

2011-02-08T21:28:00.000-06:00

Recommended Reading

This weekend I finished reading Julia Flynn Siler’s “The House of Mondavi: The rise and fall of an American wine dynasty.” I highly recommend it.

The book is a copiously-researched look at the true story of the Mondavi wine family, beginning with Cesare and Rosa Mondavi’s immigration from Italy to America in 1908. Originally settling in Minnesota, they moved to Lodi, California, in 1923, with two sons and two daughters in tow, to start a new life.

Keep in mind, Prohibition was in full swing. Yet, thanks to a loophole in the law, individuals were still allowed to make enough wine for personal consumption, so until the law was repealed, Cesare shipped grapes back east.

The next challenge was the Great Depression.

The book details the struggles of making a go of a winery during tough times, but the real intrigue comes along as Cesare wants to leave his legacy to his two boys, Robert and Peter. But the two disagreed on basic principles – make really good wine, or make lots of money? Eventually, the tension boils over and the family ousts oldest son Robert, who starts his own winery and literally puts Napa Valley on the map.

Robert does quite well for himself, growing his winery into a $500-million per year business. But he runs into the same problem that Cesare did – he has two sons, to whom he wants to leave his legacy. And again, Robert’s two sons – Michael and Timothy – play out a familiar story. Timothy wanted to craft high-priced wine and Michael wanted to make money and dominate the world wine industry.

The family business starts to crumble when, in order to raise capital for expansion, they make a public stock offering, which ultimately results in all the Mondavis being removed from leadership, and the Mondavi name and all interests sold to a New York buyer in 2004.

This book should be required reading for every college business course, as well as for anyone interested in wine. Some of it, I suspect, would even preach!

Recommended Drinking

As with books, one should not judge a wine by its label. But I made an exception not long ago when I came across a number of wines under the “Treasure Hunter” name. The labels mimicked ancient pirate maps. Even at $24 per bottle, I couldn’t resist.

And I wasn’t disappointed. The “Gunner’s Daughter”, a 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley, was delicious.

So I did a little research to find out the story behind these intriguing wines. According to their web site, the “Treasure Hunters” are “negociants” – that is, they buy wine from other top wineries and rebottle it under their own label.

Their claim is that they have a panel of experts – sommeliers, winemakers and restaurateurs – that judge hundreds of wines to determine which will be sold under the “Treasure Hunter” label. Thus, they claim they are offering top-quality wines at a much reduced price.

This may be pure P.R. / B.S., I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m going to buy more.

Not Recommended

You may remember my article from November 2009 when I blogged about the annual release of Beaujolais Nouveau. You can read it here.

You may also remember my reaction to the 2009 vintage!

"Bananas? Are you kidding me?!?"

But I couldn’t resist the new year, so on November 19, 2010, I purchased a bottle of the new release. Dominique Capart, the head of Inter Beaujolais, an association promoting the wine, said that “this year's wine is a real treat and that the red fruits, the black currant, and the raspberries can even be smelled, it is so crisp and smooth in the mouth.”

But I was afraid to open it… until last night.

And it wasn’t bad.

Okay, I realize that’s not a raving review, but I didn’t immediately spew it out of my mouth like the 2009!

I paired the 2010 BN with a pork tenderloin. The sweetness of the pork complimented the “unique” flavor and effervescence of the wine. I drank a second glass.

This morning I awoke with a headache. Not a good sign!

But truly putting it to the wine-tasting test, I sampled it again tonight after it being open overnight. The wine had indeed changed.

That’s the joy of wine – the complexity, the variety of tastes and smells, the changing nature of the wine as it matures.

What was that new flavor I was tasting?

Raspberries? No.

Currants? No.

Bananas? No.

Wait, I’ve got it… Vinegar!

Here's looking forward to a better 2011!

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

2011-02-04T07:43:00.000-06:00

Every year we go to the home of friends for the annual Super Bowl party. In 2010 it was especially meaningful as the New Orleans Saints took home the prize!

This year, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers have the spot light.

(sound of crickets chirping.)

And if that's not bad enough, I just found out that neither team has cheerleaders!

That's it! I call for a do-over! Back to the play-offs! I say let the Tampa Bay Bucaneers win so we will have some decent cheerleaders!

I like the Saints' football team, but I love the Bucaneers' cheerleaders!

Yes, I am a Pirate!

But at least there will be the commercials. We'll get to see Danica Patrick, the hottest... ahem... driver in racing, once again advertising for "Go Daddy".

I still don't know what they do.

And we'll get to see Kim Kardashian in a commercial for breast implants.

Just kidding.

And, if all else fails, you can be sure Fergie will be showing off her "lady lumps" during the Black Eyed Peas' half-time show.

At least the party with friends will be good!

And isn't that what the Super Bowl is really about?

You've Gotta See This Guy!!!

2011-01-31T11:36:00.001-06:00

Jake Shimabukuro

plays "Bohemian Rhapsody"

on the Ukulele

CDs available from Margaritaville.com!

Teen Pregnancy

2011-01-29T09:50:00.000-06:00

Folks around Memphis are feigning shock and surprise at a recent national news report that there are 90 pregnant students at one of our local high schools.

Superintendent Kriner Cash says the reports are not true -- although he either does not know or will not say how many there really are.

Weighing in on the matter, we at Banana Winds recommend that each of the city schools posts the following sign:

Thank you. That is all.

BREAKING NEWS: BUFFETT INJURED AT CONCERT

2011-01-26T15:13:00.000-06:00

The Coconut Telegraph is all abuzz today after Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage at the close of his performance in Sydney, Australia last night.

Reportedly, Buffett was singing a solo encore performance of "Lovely Cruise", walking dangerously close to the edge of the stage. A flash of light erupted, washing the stage with a bright white light. It is not known if Buffett simply fell or intentionally jumped off the stage, misjudging his landing.

Those standing in the front rows reported he hit his head on a metal strip as he fell and landed face down on the concrete floor.

Doctors in Sydney have confirmed a laceration on his head, but say he is doing well and should be discharged on Thursday.

Our prayers today go out to Jimmy Buffett.

"Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on!"

O - M - G ! ! !

2011-01-25T17:10:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the movie “Brewster’s Millions”? It came out in 1985, starring Richard Pryor and John Candy.

Pryor played Monty Brewster, a minor league baseball pitcher who never in his life earned more than $11,000 per year. Suddenly, he is informed that he has inherited a fortune from his deceased great-uncle (played by Hume Cronyn). But there are strings attached.

Brewster can take $1 million in cash (the rest to be distributed among charities and the law firm handling the estate) - OR - if he can spend $30 million in 30 days, he will inherit $300 million. He can only give 5% to charity and can only lose 5% to gambling, and anything he buys counts as an asset.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to spend $30 million in 30 days. After almost 48 years, I’ve not spent the first million yet! It’s not an easy feat to accomplish.

Unless your name is Patricia Kluge.

(Note: Patricia, darling, when posing in front of your vineyard with your own high-end wine label, remember to turn the bottle so we can see the label.)

Oh, I fear this is not going to end well.

Patricia was the third wife of media mogul John Kluge (KLOO-gee), the creator of Metromedia, which he sold in 1986 to 20th Century Fox for $4 billion. He was also a noted philanthropist, giving an estimated total of $500 million to Columbia University, University of Virginia and the

Library of Congress. He died last September at the age of 95.

Hmmm. He appears to be a little older than she.

Patricia was John’s third wife (of four), and a former nude model. Their divorce settlement was the largest in history, granting Patricia $1.6 million per week.

As my good friend Rev. Scales often asks his congregation, “Did you hear what I just said?”

Let me spell it out for you: one million, six hundred thousand dollars… PER WEEK!

That’s around $83 million per year, if I counted right.

And now poor Patricia has fallen on hard times.

The 23,538 square foot mansion she purchased for $100 million will be auctioned off next month. The sale price had been lowered to $24 million with no takers.

Her antiques and jewelry have already been auctioned.

That's a $3.8 million clock, by the way!

Her Virginia vineyard, Kluge Estate Winery, was foreclosed on in October.

Her failed venture at developing the Vineyard Estates Subdivision was also foreclosed on and auctioned off.

Sorry, no picture, but surely you get the idea by now.

Altogether, Patricia borrowed some $66 million and now is struggling to repay the banks.

We’ll be taking up a collection for Patricia following the sermon.

They say “Money can’t buy you happiness.”

It apparently can’t buy you brains either!

The story caught my eye because of the wine angle. Some day I want to have my own estate and grow my own vines and bottle my own vintage. Hopefully I can do it for less than what Patricia Kluge spent. After all, I’m just a poor preacher.

“I know… I’ve heard you preach.” (Beat ya to the punch line!)

Keep in mind, this is all happening in Virginia. Now, those who live in Virginia say their wine is the best. Wine-making was brought from France to Virginia by none other than Thomas Jefferson.

But Albemarle County is not Napa Valley.

Patricia bought 960 acres of vines and pumped some $50 million into developing the winery. She hired consultants from France. And where other local vineyards were bottling 5,000 cases per year, Kluge Estate was shipping out 50,000-60,000 cases. The wines were good, according to locals, but she wanted $75 per bottle, and I’m sorry to say, there’s not a wine in Virginia worth all that!

The market agreed, and forced the price down to a more reasonable (but still suspect) $24 per bottle.

And the debts kept piling up. She took out multiple mortgages on her mansion, but eventually the banks foreclosed. Sadly, attempts to sell the Winery at auction did not produce a single bid and the bank still holds the note, willing to deal at $19 million.

The liquidation of the winery’s cellars ended when they couldn’t even unload the inventory for $2 per case.

Patricia is now living with her third husband in a more modest 6,600 square foot home they built as a spec house in the failed subdivision. They bought it at the foreclosure auction for $3,675.

While I’m sure there is a lesson in here somewhere, it will probably go unheeded.

After all, don’t we all from time to time have “champagne wishes and caviar dreams”?

But here’s a word of advice: If you suddenly come into a massive amount of wealth, spend your first ½ million earning an MBA.

You’ll thank me for it later.

Sex in the City

2011-01-22T10:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a news story comes across the wire that is so well written it needs no comments or amplification.

The following article was in yesterday's USAToday. I have simply copied and pasted the story because, frankly, I can't think of anything to add to it to make it more hilarious!

(Used here without permission, but with all attributes.)

Vegas tourist sues after 'tragic' lap dance encounter
By Jayne Clark, USA TODAY

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Unless you go home and file a federal lawsuit alleging the exotic dancer/hooker who came to your hotel room didn't live up to expectations. And when you complained to Las Vegas police, they threatened to arrest you (but didn't), instead helpfully suggesting you take your complaint to the Better Business Bureau.

And you want your $155 for the lap dance back, plus the 120 bucks you shelled out for the sex act, because, after all, you were drunk and unable to enter into a coherent business agreement. Oh, yes, and $1.8 million to make it all better.

Or that's what the Las Vegas Sun reports in one of those only-in-Vegas stories. The paper says Hubert Blackman, a student from New York City, filed a lawsuit earlier this month stemming from the Dec. 17 incident. He said he called Las Vegas Exclusive Personals to hire an exotic dancer to come to his room and strip. She offered to perform a sex act, which he paid for, but stayed only half of the hour he alleges they agreed on.

When the company wouldn't refund his money, Blackman called police, who reminded him prostitution is illegal and told him he could be arrested. Then they advised contacting the BBB to complain, Blackman told the Sun.

Upon returning home, Blackman filed suit (without the aid of an attorney), alleging the incident caused a mental condition for which he needs treatment.

In an interview, Blackman told the Sun that the dancer solicited him, but said he knew prostitution is illegal in Sin City.

The Sun reports the escort service said it notifies potential customers who say they're looking for sex that prostitution is illegal in Clark County.

Posted Jan 21 2011 5:56PM

Happy Birthday, Edgar!

2011-01-19T12:44:00.000-06:00

A Tribute to Edgar Allen Poe

January 19, 1809 - October 7, 1849

While most will quote "The Raven" on this special day, we at Banana Winds want to point you to another great work of Poe, "The Cask of Amontillado" (1846).

Click here to read "The Cask of Amontillado"

Enjoy!

Editor's Note: Nemo me impune lacessit ("No one insults me with impunity").

Miss America Pageant 2011

2011-01-16T18:17:00.000-06:00

How on earth did Miss Arkansas not win?!?

The Blame Game

2011-01-12T11:43:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, a stranger showed up at a political rally for U.S. Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-Arizona) and opened fire with a handgun. Rep. Giffords was shot in the head and critically wounded, but survived. Six bystanders were killed and fourteen were wounded.

My immediate thoughts upon hearing the news were, “This is America. This kind of thing isn’t supposed to happen here.”

Yes, I know. President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, as was President John Kennedy. But that’s “ancient history”.

Yes, an attempt was made on President Ronald Reagan’s life during my senior year in high school. That summer I had the honor of meeting the secret service agent who took a bullet for his President.

After that event, Tim McCarthy's wife made him take a desk job. He is currently chief of police in Orland Park, Illinois.

The last assassination of a U.S. Congressman was when Rep. Leo Ryan (D-California) was murdered during his investigation of Jim Jones’ cult in 1978.

But again, this is America. This kind of thing is not supposed to happen here.

Not surprisingly, the “talking heads” on television were quick to jump on the Giffords story. Even quicker to start assigning blame. News anchors, pundits, self-proclaimed “experts” and bloggers immediately took to their respective media to air their knee-jerk assessments.

     “It’s Sarah Palin’s fault.”
     “It’s the Tea Party’s fault.”
     “It’s the fault of the vitriol of the polarized political climate in which we are currently living.”

Did I just write that?

Even Jon Stewart laid aside the “funny” of his Comedy Central broadcast on Monday night to work through his own unique angst.

And it seems to be contagious. For example, you won’t find a single photo of a bikini-clad female in this edition of “Banana Winds”.

My apologies.

Of course, one Congressman has already (predictably) presented a bill for gun control, because obviously, one can’t shoot a Congressman if one doesn’t legally own a gun.

Congressman Steve Cohen (D-Tennessee), on the other hand, has applied for a handgun carry permit.

But who should we blame this tragedy on?

Blame it on the First Amendment and our right of free speech. In America we have the right to say what we want, even if it inadvertently brings harm to another. We simply defend ourselves by saying, “I didn’t mean for someone to shoot her.”

"Oops! My Bad!"

Blame it on the Second Amendment and our right to bear arms. I don’t know why someone needs a 31-cartridge extended clip for their handgun, but he has that right.

Blame the Constitution if you need a scapegoat, but please don’t change it. It is fine the way it is. We just need to read it – thank you, Mr. Speaker – and understand it.

As participants in this great experiment called Democracy, we are called to a high standard of responsibility and accountability, a yearning for freedom and a passion to protect the freedom of everyone. Laws alone cannot provide this. It has to come from within us.

Frankly, I don’t know why the shooter did what he did. And we won’t know until we talk to him.

And we might not even know then if he’s as crazy as some say he is.

The reality is, there is no single cause for what the shooter did. If life’s problems were that easy, there would be no poverty, no illnesses, and this tragedy never would have happened.

For all we know, this poor, misguided soul may have been carrying around a grudge against his second grade teacher, who happened to look like Rep. Giffords. After 15 years of pent-up anger over one-too-many “time outs”, he finally loses control.

     -Maybe he had just been dumped by his girlfriend who resembled the Congresswoman.
     -Maybe he had just been laid off by a female boss.
     -Maybe he just went off his meds and didn’t know what he was doing.
     -Maybe it was all the above and more.

Don’t read this as me being sympathetic toward the shooter. I am not. What he did was inexcusable – crazy or not! And I have intentionally not shown his face or mentioned him by name here because he doesn't deserve the publicity.

But baseless finger-pointing at the Right by the Left will only cause the Right to dig in their heels deeper. This holds true in the reverse as well. In fact, the only person who gets to point his finger is this guy:

Unfortunately, right now he's too distraught to point.

Until a reasonable assessment of the shooter’s state of mind can be made by professionals in the field, the rest of us should exercise our often-ignored Right to Remain Silent.

If you feel the need to do something, take a moment and pray for the families of the victims – even for the family of the shooter. His parents are reportedly distraught by what their son has done.

Also take a moment to pray for the crazies of Westboro Baptist Church, who will be picketing the funerals of the victims of the shooting.

This, too, is inexcusable.