An old truism the Captain was taught while just a powder monkey goes like this:
“If it looks too good to be true, it probably is!”
So yesterday in the mail the Captain received a sale flyer from a local car dealership.
My first inclination was to throw it into the trash with all the other unsolicited mail we receive each day.
Captain’s Note: Yes, I’m looking at you, Viking Cruises! Seriously, it was six years ago we took that trip and you’ve sent us a catalog every day since! We even moved to a new address, but you still found us!
That evening the First Mate discovered the sale flyer laying on the table and decided to check it out.
From across the room I heard a fake, “Woohoo! I won $5,000!”
Now mateys, if the First Mate is cynical, the Captain is more so. And this was one of those times to be cynical.
The First Mate showed me the pull-tabs.
True, it revealed that she had matched three hotels, which meant she won $5,000, right?
“Chances of winning 1-in-60,000!”
Now Mates, the Captain is not a lucky man.
The luckiest I ever got was when the First Mate agreed to marry me!
So we began reading the ad, searching for the “hook”.
There were asterisks everywhere!
The “fine print” declared, “No Purchase Necessary”, so it wasn’t simply about winning $5,000 toward the purchase of a new car.
The Captain was curious to see how this was going to play out.
The promotion began today, so I decided to stop by the dealership and see what the hook was.
A salesman greeted me as I pulled up.
He saw the flyer in my hand and invited me inside to have a seat at a table.
I smiled as I entered the building, seeing several other people seated at tables with the same sales flyer in hand.
Captain’s Note: There are not THAT many people in my small town for so many to win with 1-in-60,000 odds.
The salesman produced a “Registration Survey” form that he needed to fill out.
You know… so I could claim my “prize”.
He launched into a spiel about their line of vehicles.
I stopped him right there.
I’m not here to buy a car. Your flyer said I won $5,000 so I came to collect my prize.
“You’re not interested even if I give you $5,000?”
The Captain’s face gave him his answer.
He marked “Not looking” on the survey form.
But still, he wanted me to sign under a line that read, “I hereby authorize dealer to obtain credit information to expedite my purchase and to see if I qualify for any special programs.”
I again assured him I was not there to buy a vehicle, but for the sake of collecting my prize I took the pen and scratched out the part about “obtain credit information to expedite my purchase”.
Then I signed it.
So, where is my $5,000?
“No,” he explained, “while you did win a ‘prize’, it may not be $5,000.”
But the flyer says I won $5,000!
“Do you want to speak to my sales manager?”
Why? Does he have my money?
“Sir, the flyer says, ‘You win!’, but you win one of these prizes…”
“It all depends on the ‘Confirmation Code’.”
The Captain argued a little longer, accusing him of everything from this being a switch-and-bait to election fraud (it worked for Trumpf, right?) to knowing the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa's body...
...knowing full well I wasn’t going to collect my $5,000.
Might as well waste his time, since he wasted mine.
Finally, he took me over to “The Prize Board”!
To no one’s surprise, my Confirmation Code did not match any of the big prizes.
Which means I would only receive the $100 in gift cards.
“Payable within 45 days… not responsible for lost or stolen…”
O hell no!
$100 in gift cards (to what?) that may or may not be delivered to me in the next 45 days is not worth letting you have my phone number and personal information!
I snatched the sales flyer and Registration Survey from his hand and left.
Mateys, I don’t normally call out businesses for their bad behavior, but if you’re looking to buy a car, I wouldn’t advise going to Royal Oaks Chevrolet / Cadillac.
Here's another thing I learned as a lad:
"If you can’t be trusted in small things – like a sales promotion – how can I trust you with big things… like the purchase of a Cadillac?
Captain’s Note: I am a Ford man myself.
Captain’s Note #2: Yes, before you load the canon, let me just say I understand the salesman was just doing his job. But car sales is a crappy job!
He should quit and go to work for someone with some integrity.
