Thursday, February 26, 2015

50 Shades of WTF!

[See what I did there?...]

So apparently Christian Grey is not “all that” after all.

After a “record-breaking” opening over Valentine's weekend – because nothing says “I love you” more than taking your favorite girl to a BDSM movie – the much ballyhooed “50 Shades of Grey” movie has tanked. In just its second weekend in release, it dropped a whopping 73% at the box office!

That’s almost a record too!

Here’s how this works. The first weekend of a movie’s release is generated by advertising. For “50 Shades” we were relentlessly assaulted with teasers, advertisements, and faux news releases for months on end.

“If the book got you heated up, the movie will set you on fire!”

Perhaps so…

The second weekend, however, is attributed to word of mouth. That is, those first viewers rave so much about it that a second wave rushes out to see it.

The most successful movie in this respect was “Avatar”, a largely-computer-generated adventure which broke the $100,000+ mark for six consecutive weekends!

That didn’t happen this time.

And suddenly the media has grown silent... nary a peep about how Will Smith's new con man flick, "Focus", almost knocked the "steamy thriller" out of the top spot.

In fact, the Captain heard nothing about the movie’s crash-and-burn until I came across this video from Christy Carlson Romano (of Disney’s “Even Steven” fame).

Warning: This video is probably not safe for work!

But all is not lost. The movie did generate quite a bit of humor along the way:

And my favorite: 

To be fair, the Captain has not seen the movie. But I did read the book – which was more than enough. And being a fairly enlightened buccaneer, I was simply amazed at what I was reading.

This is supposed to be set in the 21st century. Which means we are some 40 years removed from the feminist revolution. And yet here we have a fairly intelligent college student falling head-over-heels for an older man whose main likeable quality is that he’s stinking rich.    

Seriously, I have heard of pre-nuptial contracts before, but having to sign a non-disclosure contract and granting written permission for this emotionally damaged rich guy to take control of your life, to take your virginity, tie you up, spank you, and insert various items into your bodily cavities seems a bit much.

And for what? What does Anastasia get out of this “relationship”? Christian Grey buys her a new computer, a new car, new clothes – which she rightly identifies as payment for sex, but accepts anyway.

Grey doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to “f**k”. [His words, not mine.]

For a great review, see what my blogger friend over at “Jamie the Very Worst Missionary” has to say about it.

Defenders of the book/movie insist that Anastasia is a modern, liberated woman, learning to explore her budding sexuality with the much more experienced Mr. Grey.

The Captain calls “bullshit”, and can only see bad things to follow.

In fact, there was a case just this week at the University of Illinois at Chicago in which a student assaulted a co-ed. He is accused of tying her up, removing her clothing, then beating her with a belt, and even pummeling her with his fists when she cried out for him to stop.

Apparently she forgot the “safe word”.

The guy’s defense is that it was consensual, that they were just acting out a scene from the movie.

The Captain will need to see the contract.

But is this the future of dating?

“Hi, my name is Captain Dave. I’d like to take you out to dinner, then take you back to my ship and tie you to the main mast and flog you. Then I'll sexually assault you in various deviant ways, buy you a pretty new dress, and send you back to shore alone in a dinghy. I think you’ll find it ‘liberating’.”

Uhm. No.

So see the movie. Don’t see the movie. Whatever. The Captain is not a censor. I am not your nanny. You are adults.

Wait… I assume you are adults.

Good Lord, I hope you are adults!

Nonetheless, you need to make your own decisions about what is appropriate in your relationships.

Just make sure you have a “safe word”.

As for the Captain, I prefer “50 Shades of Blue”.