She's 31 years old, 5'9" tall, brown hair, brown eyes. And single.
Okay, you probably already know Pippa, the gorgeous younger sister of Duchess Kate of Cambridge.
She is quite the looker. But as far as the Captain knows, Pippa Middleton has accomplished nothing remarkable of her own. Like so many other celebrities that Americans idolize, Pippa became a world phenom simply for holding the train of her sister's wedding dress four years ago.
“And the crowds went wild!”
So, earlier this week Pippa went snow-skiing in Norway. Struggling to become a famous writer, she wrote a travel piece for the “Telegraph”.
“We dined on smoked whale carpaccio (which tastes similar to smoked salmon but looks more like venison carpaccio), followed by a signature rustic Norwegian dish of salted cod in tomato, with hunks of fresh homemade bread to mop up the sauce.”
And once again the crowds went wild!
But this time it was in angry protest against dear Pippa.
She ate a whale!
Well, not the whole whale.
In fact, it was very little whale. Carpaccio is very thin slices of meat, usually served as an appetizer.
But the animal-rights groups went wild!
Now, keep in mind that while whale meat is banned in the U.K. – and in America – it is not illegal in Norway.
Nonetheless, because Pippa is so “high profile”, “a public figure”, “a well-known celebrity”, she should have known better, they argued.
...and because she is the sister-in-law of Prince William, who has become a “champion” of wildlife preservation.
Now gentle readers, let me ask you: How many of you dictate the every action of your in-laws? How many of you have an in-law who disagrees with your politics? How many of you have an in-law who sometimes embarrasses you?
The Captain doesn’t.
Because I am the embarrassing in-law!
Friends, this is the 21st century. A modern-day Prince cannot control every action of his sister-in-law. Perhaps they think William should lock up Pippa in the Tower of London?
So the Captain would like to make three important points here:
1) Pippa is only a celebrity because her sister married a prince.
2) She broke no laws in Norway.
3) IT'S NONE OF YOUR D*** BUSINESS!
One protester, taking this nonsense to the usual extreme, exclaimed, “What next, a panda steak or an elephant canapé?”
Mmmmmmm. Panda steak…
Alright. Calm down. It's just a joke! I could just as easily have posted this:
This whole episode got the Captain to thinking though. What all have I eaten that might create a backlash from the animal-rights groups?
Yes, I too have eaten whale.
It was legal at the time.
So I sat down and made a list of all the creatures I have eaten:
Cow – Pig – Chicken – Turkey – Buffalo – Bison – Wild Boar – Ostrich – Deer – Elk – Quail – Snail – Kangaroo – Llama – Duck – Lamb – Sheep intestine – Alligator – Whale – Trout – Brook Trout – Catfish – Shark – Swordfish – Tuna – Red Snapper – Salmon – Halibut – Mussels – Clams – Octopus – Crab – Lobster – Shrimp – Crawfish – Scallops – Squid – Mackerel – Oysters – “White Fish”
And I am always looking for a new epicurean experience!
So load the canon and prepare for the protests to begin!
Oh, wait. That’s right. The Captain isn’t “high profile”, “a public figure”, “a well-known celebrity”.
My brothers didn’t marry princesses and my sister didn’t marry a prince.
So nobody cares what I eat?
As it should be.
CAPTAIN'S NOTE: I am very much aware that some whales (and other animals) are endangered due to indiscriminate hunting. Conservation is important, as is responsible consumption.