Thursday, September 3, 2015

You Reap What You Sow

As expected, the Captain’s Facebook feed was filled up last week with angry memes from FBFs who are not fans of President Obama.

It seems everyone expects the President to hold a Press Conference every time something tragic happens in America.

To be fair, trying to be a compassionate POTUS, he did set a precedent early in his tenure.

But perhaps this graphic will help explain the problem:

Or maybe this one:

Yes, it is tragic that nine police officers were gunned down in nine consecutive days. And it was sad that Adam Ward and Alison Parker were shot dead last week on live television.

But here’s the thing. According to statistics from the Center for Disease Control, an average of 86 people are killed each and every day in America in gun-related events.


The Washington Post reports that there has been one mass-shooting in America every day this year!

If the president was to hold a press conference or call the grieving family of each one of those victims, he wouldn’t have time to do anything else!

Honestly, if the Captain was President, I wouldn’t call anybody.


So what would the President say? “Guns are bad”?

No, the NRA would jump all over him for that.

“Guns don’t kill people. People with guns kill people.”

Yeah, we get it. But if the people didn’t have easy access to the guns, they wouldn’t be able to kill as many.

Congress won’t lift a finger to control the availability of guns. They are beholden to the NRA’s money and are afraid of the backlash from gun-toting nuts.

Think about this:

We make people prove they can properly drive a car before giving them a license to drive (which they must have to drive legally).

We make people obtain a license before they can get married, and many states are giving perks to couples who receive premarital counseling beforehand.

In my denomination I even have to have a license to preach; and to be ordained I must submit to a thorough examination of my physical, psychological, and theological readiness.

And yet few states require either a license or proof of proficiency for people wanting a gun. The right-wing nut jobs have convinced its paranoid followers that having to register one’s guns would just make it easier for the Fascist government to come take them away from you.

Because Hitler.

So here’s what happens.

In a recent drive-by shooting, some yahoo shot up a military recruiting office. In reaction to the government’s perceived unwillingness to protect its own, volunteers armed to the teeth took up position outside of some recruiting offices.

Is that an American Flag Onesie?
Military Brass recommended the recruiters treat these unwelcome “guardians” as enemy combatants.

And rightly so:
One was clearing the breach of his AR-15 and it misfired into the pavement.
Another shot himself in the leg when his sidearm accidentally fell from its holster.
Even a recruiter who smuggled in a sidearm in his pocket accidentally shot himself in the leg.

I feel safer already!

By the way, did you hear about the latest offering from Spike’s Tactical? An AR-15 “Crusader” Rifle, engraved with a Bible Verse.

The Safety switch indicates settings for “Peace”, “War” and “God wills it”.

I shit you not!

Here’s the Captain’s suggestion.

Collect up all the firearms. All of them.

Then let everyone buy and openly carry swords, the Captain’s weapon of choice.

Here’s why.

1) Swords are cool!

2) Virtually very culture has used swords in its history.

3) Unless one launches a cowardly attack from behind – shame on you! – one must come face-to-face with his opponent when using a sword.

4) And in most cases, the most skilled swordsman wins. This fact alone should reduce the number of sword-related deaths.

Think about it.

No drive-by stabbings. No mass stabbings. No accidental mis-fires.

Plus, it’s great exercise.

You can practice with your Mate.

At home. In your underwear.

Sounds crazy, I know.

But do you want to hear something even more crazy?
8,757 Americans have died this year alone due to gun violence
17,935 Americans have been injured this year alone due to gun violence
229 mass shootings have occurred in America this year alone
1,259 accidental shootings have occurred in America this year alone
(as of September 3, 2015)

Something must be done.

Something more than a press conference.

Something more than a phone call to a grieving family.