Friday, April 21, 2017

Eat, Drink, and be Merry!

Captain’s Note: This is the Captain’s third post this week! Must be a hangover from all the Easter candy. Anyway, if you are one of those readers who only checks in occasionally, you might want to go back and catch up.

Apparently Newsweek, that bastion of conservative journalism, is looking for a fight.

Did they challenge any of the inane statements that came from our President this week? No.

How about when Attorney General Sessions called Hawaii “some little island in the Pacific”? Nope.

Anything about Bill O’Reilly? Nah.

What was apparently really important in the News Room this week was the announcement by Starbucks of a new drink: the Unicorn Frappuccino!

And since Starbucks is a successful business for reasons no one can quite fathom, Newsweek sent ace curmudgeon reporter Chris Riotta to criticize try it out.

And he hated it!

Which surprised the Captain. One would think that anyone who could wear a shirt like that would be a little more whimsical!

The Captain could tell where Riotta was headed from the very beginning of the review:

“There's something particularly disconcerting about your everyday coffee shop advertising that one of its beverages is made with "rainbows" instead of informing customers about its truly dangerous ingredients.”

Captain’s Note: I once preached a sermon filled with rainbows and fairy dust! Just sayin’…

“No, the blended beverage is not created by sprinkling sunshine and sprinkles over the blessed juices of rainbows and unicorns. It's 16 ounces of fat, chemicals and sugar.”

He sounds disappointed!

To be fair, other critics of Starbucks have expressed the same faux outrage. BuzzFeed even compared the Unicorn Frappuccino’s 59 grams of sugar – 1 ½ times the daily recommended allowance – with the sugar content of a 12 oz. Coke (39 grams of sugar), a Hershey Bar (24 grams of sugar), and a bowl of Frosted Flakes (10 grams of sugar).

But if you are really concerned about your health and what you put in your body, you shouldn’t be supporting Starbucks anyway.

Let’s do a side-by-side comparison with another Starbucks offering – a more “mature” drink: A Mocha Frappuccino. No rainbows, no fairy dust.

Well look at that! The Mocha Frappuccino has more of all that bad stuff (except fat) than the Unicorn Frappuccino. And no caffeine! And yet, where was the outrage when Starbucks launched the Mocha Frapp?

Again, the Captain suspects a corporate bias against the wildly successful chain of coffee shops. In fact, Riotta pretty much says so as he describes an encounter with a teenager at the coffee shop, who took a picture of his drink and posted it on her social network. Riotta railed about how the teen was only playing into “Starbucks’ marketing ploy”.

Ironically, Riotta’s review of the drink in Newsweek serves the same purpose.

Is the Unicorn Frappuccino really “the worst drink I have ever purchased in my life”? To drive home his point, he quotes a colleague’s description: “This is Pepto Bismol disguised as happiness.”

But couldn’t we all use a little happiness in our lives?

Unlike Chris Riotta, the Captain’s motto is, “Live and let live.”

Mates, don't let others tell you what you like or don't like. Make your own decisions. If you enjoy a Unicorn Frappuccino, then by all means treat yourself!