Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I Don't Get It

First of all, is this guy on crack or what?

I mean, he looks like Keith Richards on a bad day!

(No, that's Keith Richards on a GOOD day!)

Second, what the hell is his name?!?

Muammar Qaddafi... Mo'ammar Gadhafi... Muammar Kaddafi... Muammar Qadhafi... Moammar El Kadhafi... Muammar Gadafi... Mu'ammar al-Qadafi... Moamer El Kazzafi... Moamar al-Gaddafi... Mu'ammar Al Qathafi... Muammar Al Qathafi... Mo'ammar el-Gadhafi... Moamar El Kadhafi... Muammar al-Qadhafi... Mu'ammar al-Qadhdhafi... Mu'ammar Qadafi... Moamar Gaddafi... Mu'ammar Qadhdhafi... Muammar Khaddafi... Muammar al-Khaddafi... Mu'amar al-Kadafi... Muammar Ghaddafy... Muammar Ghadafi... Muammar Ghaddafi... Muamar Kaddafi... Muammar Quathafi... Mohammer Q'udafi... Muammar Gheddafi... Muamar Al-Kaddafi... Moammar Khadafy... Moammar Qudhafi... Mu'ammar al-Qaddafi... ???

According that universally-revered online reference guide, Wikipedia, the possiblities are seemingly endless:

Whatever. I suspect soon they will be pronouncing him "Dead".

And finally, while I'm on a roll, how does a crack-head like this convince a group of gorgeous women to remain virgins, submit to three years of training on how to manually maim and kill, and serve as his personal body guards?

In 1998, one of them threw herself over the madman as militants tried to assasinate him. She and two others were killed in a hail of bullets; Gaddafi escaped unharmed.

I feel like I missed a day during my college class in "Dictatorship 101".

I just don't get it!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"Get Ripple!"

"Ring-a-ding flavor!"

"It's the new drink for lively people!"

"It's the wine that winks back at you!"

Har! Har!

Who writes this stuff!?!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's 5 O'Clock

When I moved away from a previous church, the congregation gave me one of those “atomic clocks” as a parting gift. Taking a radio signal from a satellite, it promised to always be correct, down to 1/100th of a second.

That was about 10 years ago, when such devices were “newfangled” and expensive.

About a year ago, it stopped. Changing the battery did not bring new life to it. And I would have discarded it, but it stopped at 5 o’clock!

I sh** thee not!

So now, instead of “Five O’clock Somewhere”, it’s always five o’clock right here!

Now if I could just find a bathroom scale like that. You know – one that perpetually reads “175”.

Ah, those were the days!

I skipped going to the gym for two weeks. A lingering head cold obstructed my breathing – not a good condition for exercising.

I finally got back to it yesterday morning and it felt good.

Now, at my gym, when I mount the stationary bicycle, I can see no less than eight television monitors. Most are tuned to ESPN, some to news networks, one usually has “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” or something like that.

I confess I even watch Wendy Williams from time to time.

OMG! Is she for real?!?

Yesterday morning, as you might imagine, the news was all about the recent earthquake in Japan and the nuclear situation there that is reaching critical stages.

On “Headline News”, it was wall-to-wall coverage – experts intelligently discussing the latest on the state of the reactors, the latest death count, and how this disaster will affect the world economy.

On the “TODAY” show, Ann Curry and Lester Holt were on the ground in Japan, sending back live reports to Matt and Meredith in the studio. That red-hot "Dr. Nancy" - smart AND beautiful all in one package! - told about the effects of radiation on the human body.

But on Fox “News”, the talking heads were badgering President Obama for taking time away from the crisis in Japan in order to fill out his brackets for March Madness!

For some reason, Fox believes the President’s job is to sit and endlessly wring his hands about everything happening everywhere in the world!

“He’s not paying enough attention to the civil war in Libya!”
“He’s not paying enough attention to the civil unrest in Bahrain!”
“He’s not paying enough attention to the earthquake in Japan!”

Jimmy Carter did this when he occupied the Oval Office. It depressed the nation and the man aged 20 years overnight!

What if President Obama did this? What if he devoted his full attention to any one of these current events – events over which he has no control or responsibility?

Well, sure, then they’d be crying, “He’s not paying enough attention to matters at home!”

You can’t win.

Someone tell me again why anyone would want to be President?

But as I sat there and lip-read the news on Fox, the realization came to me: apparently for the jerks at Fox, the crisis in Japan is less important than how the President is spending his day!

Gotcha, Fox “News”!

Among AA circles you will find the Serenity Prayer. It has been attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. I find it helpful in times like this. It says,

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Or as a great musical duo once sang, “It’s five o’clock somewhere!”

In fact, it is right here, right now! Gotta sail!
To all my ship mates, Have a GREAT St. Patty's Day!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Timing Is Everything!

They say in comedy, "Timing is everything." Indeed it is.

And some might be saying right about now that Captain Dave's timing is a little bit off.

'Is the Captain making a joke about the earthquake in Japan less than a week after thousands of people died due to the quake and resulting tsunami?'

No, there's nothing funny about any of that.

There never will be.

But think with me for a moment about the Godzilla mythology. One of the greatest monsters of film lore, the creature first appeared on the silver screen in 1954, less than 10 years after the United States dropped two atomic bombs on Japan to end that chapter of World War II.

One might think the timing was off on that one too!

Despite its different mutations (excuse the pun!) over the last 50 years, the original Godzilla movie was a morality play about the dangers of atomic / nuclear power. The prehistoric creature grew to monstrous size and strength, and ravaged Japan... all due to atomic radiation.

And one might think the Japanese people would have understood the lesson. After all, those who survived the two atomic blasts of 1945 saw the devastation that energy wrought.

But now, in 2011, Japan has three nuclear power plants at the edge of meltdown because of an earthquake larger than anyone every imagined.

Just a couple weeks ago, a member of my Sunday School class argued passionately that nuclear power was the answer to America's energy problems. He blamed government regulations on killing the industry.

After Friday's quake, I stand by my original argument.

Nuclear power is not safe. It never will be.

And yes, now is the perfect time to have that discussion!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Buffett Tour 2011

Update: Just scored two tickets for May 28th in Nashville! Whoo-hoo!

* * *

Jimmy Buffett's latest tour has been announced!

04.16.2011 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre Tampa, FL

04.19.2011 Time Warner Cable Music Pavilion Raleigh, NC

04.21.2011 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

04.23.2011 Cruzan Amphitheatre West Palm Beach, FL

04.28.2011 Naval Aviation Museum Foundation Benefit Pensacola, FL

04.30.2011 Sprint Center Kansas City, MO

05.03.2011 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre St. Louis, MO

05.05.2011 Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion Houston, TX

05.07.2011 The New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival New Orleans, LA

05.21.2011 Pizza Hut Park Frisco, TX

05.24.2011 Aaron's Amphitheatre at Lakewood Atlanta, GA

05.26.2011 Farm Bureau Live at Virginia Beach Virginia Beach, VA

05.28.2011 Bridgestone Arena Nashville, TN

06.18.2011 Comcast Center Mansfield, MA

07.19.2011 Blossom Music Center Cleveland, OH

07.21.2011 DTE Energy Music Theatre Detroit, MI

07.23.2011 Toyota Park Chicago, IL

08.19.2011 Nikon At Jones Beach Theater New York, NY

08.23.2011 Riverbend Music Center Cincinnati, OH

08.25.2011 Verizon Wireless Music Center Indianapolis, IN

09.26.2011 L'Olympia Paris, France

Monday, March 7, 2011

Happy Mardi Gras 2011!

The Krewe of Bacchus rolled through the streets of New Orleans Sunday, March 6th.

Let the Good Times Roll!!!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Surrender the Booty!

The Roman Catholic Church is in the news again.

"Kyrie Eleison!" (That's Latin for, "Lord help us!")

Not to worry. This time it is more positive news. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has approved a new translation of the Bible.

News media around the country immediately picked up on the story, especially one of the changes: they are removing the word “booty” from the Bible.

Heh – heh – heh! You said “booty”!

Yes, it’s true. In popular culture, the word “booty” is now mostly an anatomical reference. And for some Bible readers, "booty" can be a distraction.

Heh – heh – heh! You said it again!

Even those of a Pyratical bent are sometimes confused about just exactly what we’re chasing!

And so, for the four times the word is used in the Old Testament, the Catholic Church is surrendering the “booty” and replacing it with “spoils of war”.

Heh – heh – huh?

And that’s what happens when you let 3rd grade boys write your news articles.

Yes, I’m talking to you, NPR, HuffPo, USAToday, and many, many more.

Despite what the headlines would lead one to believe, “booty” isn’t the only change being made. For example, because of the connection with the genocide of WWII, the word “holocaust” will be replaced by the phrase “burnt offerings”. And because “cereal” is now a sugar-covered breakfast food, the new Bible will simply say “grain”.

The “ideal wife” in Proverbs will now be a “woman of worth”. And the 23rd Psalm will read “shadow of death” once again instead of “dark valley”.

I know. Those changes will not sell newspapers.

But here is one change that caught my attention. Instead of “vigin”, the critical passage in Isaiah that foretells the birth of Jesus will read, “young woman”.

Now, our Protestant Bibles have noted for many years that the Hebrew word “almah” means simply “young woman” and not specifically “virgin”. But in Roman Catholic doctrine, the virginity of Mary, the mother of Jesus, is crucial. She is the “ever-Virgin Mary”, the “blessed Virgin Mary”, the "BVM"! 

Somehow, "ever-Young Woman Mary" and "blessed Young Woman Mary" (BYWM) just doesn't have the same ring to it!

Church officials insist that this change does not signal a change in the church’s position. However, one has to wonder if the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops ran this change by Pope Benedict XVI before giving it over to the publishers... although this Pope is much more "progressive" than many of his predecessors.

In fact, here he is taking a cell call when he is supposed to be healing this blind man!

The New American Bible (revised edition) will be released on Ash Wednesday (that’s next week!) and made available in print, as an eBook, as an “app” for cell phones, and in a Braille edition.

The “progressive” Pope Benedict, by the way, has his own Facebook page with undoubtedly millions of "friends".

I wonder if Jesus has friended him yet?