We're Rich! ... I think...?

The Captain received the following email yesterday from our good friend, the U.S. Ambassador to Nigeria.

Note: The text of the message has not been changed or edited. It is as I received it.

 ____________________ 

RE: GOOD NEWS MASSAGE

DEAR, AFTER AN OFFICIAL MEETING HELD WITH THE PRESIDENT OF NIGERIA AND MINISTER OF FINANCE CONCERNING UNPAID AND UNCLAIMED FUNDS TO FOREIGN BENEFICIARIES, JUST LIKE YOU.I WAS VERY MUCH ANNOYED WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT YOU PAID MUCH MONEY YET YOU NEVER RECEIVE YOUR FUNDS.THAT IS WHY I DECIDED TO HELP YOU.

I SHALL BE COMING TO YOUR COUNTRY TORONTO , ONTARIO , FOR AN OFFICIAL MEETING AND I WILL BE BRINGING YOUR BANK CHEQUE WORTH THE $1.8 MILLION ALONG WITH ME THROUGH UNITED STATES DIPLOMATIC MISSION TO YOUR COUNTRY.BUT I WILL NOT GO THROUGH CUSTOMS BECAUSE AS AN USA AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA, I AM A USA GOVERNMENT AGENT AND I HAVE THE VETO POWER TO GO THROUGH CUSTOMS.JUST LIKE I HELPED  SIX PERSONS TO RECEIVED THEIR FUNDS THIS YEAR 2014,

YOUR PACKAGE ($1,8 MILLION USD) MUST BE REGISTERED AS AN AMBASSADORIAL PACKAGE FOR ME AND MY FLIGHT IS MONDAY NEXT WEEK AND I EXPECT YOU TO COMPLY WITH YOUR (SEND YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER AND THE ADDRESS WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BRING  THE PACKAGE TO YOU). IMMEDIATELY YOU SEND ME THIS FULL INFORMATION NEEDED I WILL SEND YOU THE ATTACHMENT COPE OF YOUR BANK CHEQUE SO THAT YOUR CAN VIEW THE SLIP.

WAITING FOR YOUR MASSAGE.

JAMENS F. ENTWISTLE

U.S AMBASSADOR TO NIGERIA

 ____________________

Dear Jamens,

     If you want to scam the Captain, you're going to have to work a little harder. SMH!

There be Mermaids!

[Possibly not safe for work.]

Recently, while surfing the internet looking for Hallowe'en costume ideas…

…no, really….

…the Captain came across this great costume:

This served as the inspiration for today’s blog about Mermaids.

Mermaids have been a part of folklore for centuries. Stories about mermaids can be found in ancient Assyrian and Greek mythology.

Even Christopher Columbus reported seeing mermaids on his voyages around the Caribbean. 

Manatees were once thought to be mermaids!

Dude, how long were you at sea?

 Some believe mermaids (and centaurs and minotaurs, etc.) hail back to a time when human kind and animal kind were more closely related. 

But, as with most things we don't understand, they became "monsters" and were either feared or hunted to extinction.

Mermaids were sometimes associated with sirens, which attempted to lure horny weary sailors to their deaths. Thus, they are most often depicted as beautiful women... the most dangerous of creatures!

Save for P.T. Barnum’s supposed “Fiji Mermaid” of 1842.

Hans Christian Anderson wrote his famous story, “The Little Mermaid”, back in 1836, which was not at all the heart-warming story that Disney turned it into in 1989.

Read it for yourself if you don’t believe me!

Mermaids also play an important role in Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (2011). They appear to be beautiful women (with fish tails), but are really vicious creatures that devour sailors.

How do they do that with their hair?

In 2012, Animal Planet channel attempted to capitalize on the popularity of mermaids with its broadcast of a “documentary” called “Mermaids: the Body Found”. This turned out to be bogus, and gave Animal Planet a P.R. black eye from the trusting public.

I believe the Food Network is planning a show of its own called, “Mermaids: Good Taste or Taste Good?”

Sorry, Charlie!

Whether you believe in mermaids or not, if you’d like a mermaid of your own, contact Mermaid Melissa.

http://www.mermaidmelissa.com/

Mermaids. Mysterious creatures. Yes. Beautiful creatures. Yes.

But the Captain still has one question that has bothered him for years. How does one “mate” with a mermaid?

Think about it…

Now, about that Hallowe'en costume...

 

Action Hero

Spoiler Alert: This blog may contain information that will spoil your desire to see the movie “Dracula Untold”. I’ve waited a couple weeks to post this so 1) you would have a chance to see it for yourself, and 2) I’ve been so freakin’ busy I haven’t had a chance to write anything!

Anyway, you’ve been warned!

Mwuahahahaha!

Truth be told, if I wasn’t a Pirate, I would be a Vampire!

As has been mentioned on several occasions before at “Banana Winds”, the Captain has long been a fan of all things Vampire, going back to the days of my childhood lying on the floor in my grandmother’s living room watching “Dark Shadows” on a small, black & white TV screen.  

Yes, while other children were playing “Cowboys and Indians”, I was biting people on the neck!

“I vant to drink your blood! Bleh, bleh-bleh!"

I have seen all of the classic vampire movies, as well as a few that will never become classic vampire movies...

Yes, I'm looking at you, Johnny Depp!

Needless to say, I perked up when I came across the latest offering to the vampire genre, “Dracula Untold”.

It looked promising.

So I was a little surprised when, after a friend asked how the movie was, I replied, “So-so.” I had to think about that for a minute. “So-so?”

First, there’s the “So”:

One of the things I really liked about the movie was that the writers actually did a little research into the history of Vlad Dracul III, the original Dracula. Then they mixed a little history with a little myth and came up with a pretty good product.

But then there’s the “so”:

The movie was not at all scary! This Dracula is not the creepy old guy in the opera cape stalking around in the shadows.

With all due respects to Mr. Lugosi.

And that's okay by me. But in an attempt to cater to target demographics, the writers felt the need to give us  a hunky, young vampire, throw in a sad love story, and deliver a whole bunch of Action Hero type stuff.

Meh…

To its credit, this story was set in an historical time period, the mid-15^th century. From childhood, Vlad was raised to be a fierce warrior. He earned his moniker “Vlad the Impaler” for the gruesome manner in which he displayed his victims.

As the movie unfolds, we find that Vlad has rejected his past and now strives to rule as prince over a peaceful kingdom. He pays an annual tribute to the Ottoman Sultan and hardly even has an army to speak of. He has retired his awesome Dragon armor – probably the best part of the movie – locking it in a closet in a (surprisingly well-armed) monastery.

But as so many such movies go, Vlad is pushed too far. His kingdom is threatened. What’s more, his family is threatened. So he sells his soul to the Devil – or, in this case, to the old vampire living in a nearby cave. He becomes an unstoppable force that single-handedly wreaks havoc on the Sultan’s 1,000-man army.

But the Sultan orders up another 100,000 men. And when Vlad’s wife dies, he goes into a rage. Unable to do anything before sundown, Vlad waits helplessly as most of his townspeople are slaughtered. Then he turns many of the survivors into vampires, and together they decimate the invading Turks.

Yes, there is a climactic fight scene between Vlad and Mehmed II, the Sultan, in the process creating a whole new twist on a vampire’s vulnerability to silver.

But wait... isn’t that werewolves?

Judging from all the shirtless scenes, I’m guessing we are supposed to like the young, hunky Vlad, portrayed by Luke Evans.

Sorry. Not the Captain’s type!

I’m also guessing that as Americans we are supposed to resonate with Vlad’s desire to live in a peacefully secluded kingdom. I don’t suppose it’s too big a jump to accept that a once-ferocious warrior now desires only to live in peace, make love to his beautiful blonde wife, and raise up his young son.

The Captain acknowledges that the will to do good and the will to do evil both reside within the same body. At some point we choose one or the other, but that doesn’t mean the other ceases to exist.

In today’s war-torn world, I sense more and more people are yearning for peace – if for no other reason than that we are growing weary of war.

But far too early in the movie I kept hearing the voice of another reluctant superhero: “Don’t make me angry! You won’t like it when I get angry!”

Ultimately, I’m guessing we were supposed to make the most obvious connection and cheer loudly when Vlad single-handedly wipes out the Ottoman Turks.

Read that “Muslims”…

Yep. War propaganda!

There is even a little warning about the danger of arming those you think are your allies! In the end, they will turn against you! 

Hmmmm. That sounds familiar too!

Good News / Bad News: The writers set us up for a sequel – fast-forward to modern day New York City, where the now 600-year-old vampire is still as dashing and handsome as ever!

I wonder why the old vampire back in the cave looked all pale and shriveled?

Nonetheless, the Captain ponders as to whether Vlad’s propensity toward blood and violence will even be noticed in the modern world.

Or will Vlad become the new Batman? Stalking the city at night... saving the innocent... slaying the evil-doer? 

I sure hope not!

But at least he doesn’t sparkle…

Ever had one of those days...

Twin Peaks

Good News! “Twin Peaks” is returning!

No, not the breast-aurant!

Although the Captain would welcome that as well! We could use a good breast-aurant in town! The nearest “Hooters” is 1 ½ hours away!

We do have a “Show-Me’s” nearby, but… well… don’t show me, okay?

But I digress…

I’m talking about a TV show!

Media outlets are a-buzz today about Showtime’s plan to broadcast nine new episodes of the cult-favorite “Twin Peaks” in 2016. Original creators Mark Frost and David Lynch will be at the helm.

The question is, will anyone watch?

It’s been almost 25 years since “Twin Peaks” aired on ABC. The somewhat surreal show with its cast of odd characters (22 “stars” listed in the credits) was only on the air for two years (April 1990-June 1991), but it blazed a trail for many shows that followed – everything from “X-Files” to “American Horror Story”.

If you’re too young to remember, let me catch you up: “Twin Peaks” begins with the discovery of the dead body of small-town homecoming queen and all-American girl Laura Palmer. Another badly injured girl is found across the state line, thus involving the dashing but quirky FBI agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlin of “Blue Velvet” fame). In his search for Laura’s killer, he uncovers the dark double-lives of the residents of Twin Peaks, Washington.

Among other discoveries, it turns out the deceased homecoming queen was addicted to cocaine, worked in a brothel across the Canadian border, and carried on affairs with all the town’s most powerful men. And she had enough material to blackmail almost every resident of Twin Peaks – which meant there were 51,201potential murderers.  

The show was intriguing for the first season, amassing quite a following. But Frost & Lynch reportedly never thought it would be a hit so they hadn’t planned on a second season. That, along with pressure from the network to name the killer in the second season, robbed the show of its original attraction, leading to the flagging interest of Lynch and the departure of the fan base.

Your humble Captain was one of them.

The disastrous attempt at resurrecting “Twin Peaks” through the feature-length prequel “Fire Walk With Me” drove the proverbial last nail into the franchise’s coffin.

Quentin Tarantino: “After I saw Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me at Cannes, David Lynch had disappeared so far up his own ass that I have no desire to see another David Lynch movie until I hear something different.”

And you know the quality stuff Tarantino puts out!

So why would the viewing audience of 2016 still be interested in revisiting “Twin Peaks”? A lot has changed in the world these past 25 years.

George H.W. Bush was president when “Twin Peaks” originally aired. The previous decade had been filled with corporate greed and nuclear fears. But the Soviet Union was being dismantled, Germany was being reunified, and apartheid was being abolished in South Africa. The world was rapidly changing, and President Bush trumpeted a “New World Order”, in which the U.S. would lead the world in enforcing the rule of law and reining in chaos and aggression.

At the same time, he also spoke openly about the U.S. being “a kinder, gentler nation”.

And he may have been right. “Dances with Wolves” won best picture in 1990!

…being kind to Kevin Kostner!

During the “Twin Peaks” years, there were no cell phones, no social media. In fact, the World Wide Web was just coming into its own, growing from one website in 1991 to more than 17 million websites by 2000.

The world has changed. In some ways, dramatically!

So why would we want to revisit the little town of Twin Peaks, Washington?

Surely not for the pie!

We already know who killed Laura Palmer. (No spoiler here.)

And we’ve seen enough public scandals over the last 25 years to know that most everybody has a darker, hidden story locked away in a closet somewhere, just waiting for TMZ to find it!

Is it to see how well MacLachlin and Sherilynn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle have aged over the years?

Or can David Lynch step away from his Christian Dior commercials and once again weave a story from the flotsam that was “Twin Peaks” that will captivate a whole new generation of watchers?

You’ll have to let us know. The Captain doesn’t subscribe to Showtime.