This is an open letter to my crew mates who have so
faithfully followed the Captain over the years, and to my more recent friends on social media.
Since the election on November 8th, the national
news media have quite naturally been awash with images of the President-elect.
The storm of coverage didn’t relent over the past weekend as this unfortunate
choice was formally inaugurated.
He is now our President.
For better, for worse.
Captain’s Note:
Beware, my friends. When the media now reports “The White House denies
such-and-such”, they are no longer talking about the Obama White House. The
Captain was momentarily confused this morning.
There were protests in Washington D.C. during the
Inauguration, as one might expect. After all – we are Americans. This nation
was founded on protests.
Although it really pissed off the Captain when you set fire
to my limousine!
For those Republicans who complained about the protests, insisting
that they had quietly accepted the elections of 2008 & 2012 when our first
black President took office, let me remind you of just a few scenes from the
recent past.
My appeal to you today, brothers and sisters, is to stop
posting pictures of the President and his spokespersons on social media.
Every day when I open my Facebook feed, there are pictures
of The Great Orange Wonder – and usually not the most flattering mages of him!
Mates, the Captain dislikes him as much as you do. And I get
it that most of your posts are protests – sentiments with which I frequently
agree.
However, I am simply sick and tired of seeing his ugly mug!
And that creepy blonde spokesperson too!
This needs to stop.
And with good reason. Hear me out.
The Captain and First Mate have long held a theory that news
reporters are aliens from a distant planet who thrive on the feelings of
others.
“A tornado just roared
through your neighborhood and blew away your single-wide trailer. You didn’t
have much before, but now you have even less; you don’t know where your dog is
or any of your neighbors… Tell us how you FEEL…”
Om nom nom.
“Your house just
burned to the ground with your five children and all your pets trapped inside.
Tell us how you FEEL…”
Om nom nom…
“You were buried
underground for three days with only your own urine to drink. Tell us how you FEEL…”
Om nom nom…
Anger. Sorrow. Depression. Tears. The elixir of life!
But into this world came an alien from another distant
planet, an alien who thrives on ego. He loves to see his own image, hear his
own voice, hear others speak his name. With every photo of himself in the press
– good or bad – he grows a little bit stronger.
He puts his name on tall buildings in big, golden letters,
and people admire him.
Om nom nom.
He buys a pageant in which the most beautiful women in the
world let him have his way with them in hopes of winning a cheap, shiny tiara.
Om nom nom.
He throws around other peoples’ money so paeans will clamor
about him.
Om nom nom.
And then, unbelievably, he wins the ultimate prize: the
Presidency of the United States of America. He is now the most powerful man in
the world. People will praise him, adore him, bow down before him.
Om nom nom.
But the beast has a weakness, as all monsters do. The only
way to stop this creature is to deprive him of nourishment. Deprive him of what
he most needs to live.
Stop feeding his ego.
This was demonstrated on Friday when the National Park
Service released a photo of the Inauguration 2017 crowd.
Captain’s Note:
Republican apologists explained away the photo with several excuses, not the
least of which was, “Unlike the Democrats who elected Obama, Republicans have
jobs; so they couldn’t attend.”
A more likely explanation would be that residents in the greater
D.C. area – who recognized the creature for what he is – voted overwhelmingly
against him and did not turn out, depriving him of his glory.
Then there is this possible explanation…
This shot from the parade route was telling.
The fact that the nation did not turn out in droves to
worship the alien nearly drove him mad!
He ordered the National Park Service to shut down its
twitter accounts, accusing them of spreading lies about the crowd strength.
He sent his Press Secretary out to expose the media’s “lies”.
Captain’s Note: Yes,
in his first official performance, the new press secretary was sent out to
berate the press corps and lie to the nation.
And in a speech to the CIA – yes, the intelligence community
– he insisted that the crowd numbered at least 1.5 million.
Did I mention he was addressing the “intelligence”
community?
Making the talk-show tour the next morning, the weakened
creature’s spokesperson described the discrepancy between his count and most
everybody else’s count as “alternative facts”.
Here's a fun "alternative fact": Since making his New Year Resolution, the Captain is down to 175 lbs.
WTF?!?
In the church we call that a “Preacher count.”
And the strength of the alien grew dim.
The alien’s presumed big day was followed by a day of peaceful, organized
protests around the world. Women and allies took to the streets to protest the
election of such a horrid creature, as well as the dreadful policies that he and the Republican-controlled Congress are already pursuing.
In fact, three times as many women marched in D.C. the next
day as the total that showed up for the Inauguration.
Again, the alien few into a rage, publicly denigrating the
protesters and decrying the press coverage of the women’s marches.
He believed that his picture – and his alone – should grace
the cover of every newspaper and magazine, and be the lead sole story of
each telecast… for all time!
And the monster grew even weaker.
So the Captain believes the only way to defeat this beast is
to stop feeding it!
Do not misunderstand: by all means, continue to protest. Continue
to fight. Continue to resist.
But do so without feeding his ego. No more photos. Don't watch his press conferences. Don't react to his Twitter outbursts. Don’t
even mention his name in public.
And in doing so, hopefully we will force him to return to
the planet from which he came – an evil place where lying and cheating and
grabbing women by the pussy are completely acceptable.
That is not my planet.
And not even close to my country.
