After years of watching hours upon hours of home renovation
shows and every variation of “House Hunters”, we have decided to stick our toe
in the waters of home ownership.
Yes, we’ve been landlubbers our whole lives, but we’ve never
had to commit to home ownership because, as a pastor, we have always been
blessed to live in a house provided by the church.
Captain’s Note:
It is not a “free house”. A parsonage is part of our compensation package, for
which we must pay taxes as if it were income. If a church does not provide a
parsonage, they are obligated to provide a Housing Allowance with which we
could buy or rent a home.
The parsonage system is a blessing in that, when we are
moved to a new charge we don’t have to worry about buying or selling a home.
The downside is that we move into a house of unknown age, design
and size – provided by the church, previously lived in by the former pastor
(whose decorating tastes don’t often jive with ours), and often outfitted with
cast-off furniture from church members.
At one parsonage, a church member offered us the used carpet
he pulled up at his own home!
Yeah, no thanks!
Fortunately, all those years of watching home renovation
shows has paid off and we’ve always managed to make our parsonages feel like
home.
Captain’s Note: For
the more business-minded, living in a parsonage, we don’t develop any equity
that other homeowners would.
But now, as retirement looms on the horizon, we are seeing
the need to buy a home of our own.
The Bank says we have very good credit and “qualify” for a
large home loan. But your Captain doesn’t want to be writing huge monthly
mortgage checks for the next 30 years.
The First Mate and I have very specific wish lists for our
first (and perhaps only) home purchase. I won’t bore you with the details, but
know that we have yet to find a house that meets our demands.
It looks so easy when they do it on television. Within a
half-hour show, a realtor shows a young couple three different houses and they
pick one.
We have spent hours combing over realty websites, made
several drive-bys, and have toured seven homes with our realtor so far.
Nothing.
There was one house we were both interested in – good
location, cute cottage feel to it, lots of square footage inside and yard space
outside. Unfortunately, the day before we began touring houses, that one went
under contract.
But the Captain continued to watch it, because sometimes
during the contract period the potential buyer will pull out. And after two
weeks, there was still no indication – either online or at the property – that
the house was sold.
So the Captain returned to Zillow and sent a query [“Is this house still for sale?”],
thinking Zillow would connect me with the realtor who had the listing.
That evening I received the following text message:
“Hi there, this is Alex here from Zillow.
When are you free to talk about [the house]? Any time after 9 am works for me.”
The Captain wasn’t looking for a conversation; I just wanted
to know if the house is still for sale. And that’s what I said:
“Does
it require a conversation? Can’t you just tell me if it is still available?”
The next morning at 8 a.m. I received “Alex’s” reply:
“Looking at the Zillow site, it appears the
home is for sale, but we can confirm that for you. Are you free to talk now?”
Okay, first, I have already looked at the Zillow site.
That’s why I contacted you, dumbass!
And second, this is starting to creep me out! Is this a
realty site or online dating?
I ignored the message. In the meantime, the Captain
contacted the actual realtor who held the listing and she confirmed what our
realtor had told us; the house is under contract and will close in two weeks.
Much sadness.
Or as they say, “Timing is everything!”
Putting that house out of my mind, I moved on to other
things. We are under no time pressure to move. We can wait for the right house
to appear.
But the next morning my good friend “Alex” contacted me
again:
“Hi… wondering if you wanted to go see [the
house] in person. Are you free now to talk about getting something set up?”
Wow! Now it really is starting to feel like a dating site! I
responded:
“[The
house] is sold, closing in two weeks. Your files are not up to date.”
Insulting him didn’t seem to work:
“No worries!”
No worries? I just told him he wasn’t being helpful and he acts
like it was my fault and he forgives me!
“Are you interested in properties in the
area? We can help you with any property that’s listed as well as your overall
search.”
Now the Captain is suspecting “Alex” is just a computer,
responding with pre-programed phrases intended to be courteous and helpful.
Which it was not.
I told “Alex” we already have a realtor we are working with,
to which he replied,
“Thank you for letting me know!”
WTF!
Oh, but it didn’t end there.
The next day I received a survey from Zillow asking about my
experience. Three simple questions, which boggled my rum-soaked mind:
1) Were you able to make contact with one of
our agents? Yes.
2) Was it Kevin? [shows picture of some
guy.] Why? Is he in trouble?
3) How would you rate our service, from one
star to five stars? Zero was not an option.
And they weren’t finished yet!
That afternoon I received an email from Zillow wanting to
show me how I could finance my new home…
Specifically the house we were interested in…
The house that someone else bought!
I may just buy a bigger boat. That would be so much easier!
