Captain’s Note:
The following post might leave you a bit queasy – some say I share too much –
but I want to get this experience down in writing. So if you be faint of heart,
you might want to sign out now, or skip down and see what’s going on at “Saturday
Morning Breakfast Cereal”.
The Captain had his first Colonoscopy yesterday!
And what a beautiful
colon it is!
The medical community has long advised that men AND women
should get a colon cancer screening at age 50. In recent years that has been
revised to 45.
The Captain’s turn was long overdue.
The death of my brother in February pushed me to get it done.
Four years older than me. By the time they found his cancer it was too late.
Here’s the thing: colon cancer is completely treatable… if
found in time.
Katie Couric, former co-host of NBC's Today Show, brought this to our attention almost 20 years ago after she lost her husband to colon cancer. She broadcast her procedure live on television.
So, along with the myriad of physicians the Captain has
taken on-board since December, I added a gastroenterologist.
If you’ve never had a Colonoscopy before, here’s the drill:
About a week before the procedure, the patient should stop
eating nuts and seeds and anything that might stick around and give a false
indicator.
So on Wednesday, as the Captain was trying to cram extra
stuff into an already busy schedule, I drove through McDonald’s on my way to my
next thing. The Quarter Pounder with cheese is my go-to meal while driving. And
as I got back onto the interstate and up to speed, I opened the box to discover
the bun was covered with sesame seeds.
Dammit!
I had never noticed that before.
So I ate a bun-less Quarter Pounder with cheese at 75 mph.
Captain’s Note:
In my humble opinion, the bun is simply an edible product given to keep your
hands clean while you eat the burger and toppings.
The patient also should stop certain medications.
That meant my allergy medicine... at the peak of pollen season!
And alcohol.
Yep. Your Captain hasn’t had a drop to drink since Monday
night!
The “cleanse” process started on Thursday, so Wednesday was my
“last hurrah”! Fortunately there was a church pot luck dinner!
Thursday’s instructions were to only consume clear liquids.
Definitely nothing red or purple – as that might also lead to false findings.
For some time now the Captain has been battling a sinus
infection; the First Mate seems to have the same. I have not felt great and am looking forward to seeing my new Ear-Nose-Throat doctor on Tuesday.
The Captian's appetite has not been what
it once was. So giving up food on Thursday was surprisingly easy. In order to
trick my mind, I drank a can of beef broth at noon and at dinner time.
I also realized how much I mindlessly snack throughout the day – as I
passed the candy jars, the potato chip bags, etc. the temptation was to reach
in and grab a bite.
I didn’t. Because I didn’t want this procedure to go badly.
Thursday morning began with the consumption of a gallon of
water.
And, as one might guess, it also included several trips to pee!
Then at 5 p.m. I drank my first bottle of Clenpiq.
Now, mates, there are a variety of drinks available for the
colon cleanse. When the First Mate did this a year ago she had to drink a
gallon of some terrible-tasting stuff.
Clenpiq is a two-step process in which the patient drinks
one 160ml bottle the evening before, then another about four hours before the
procedure.
The taste wasn’t bad – it had “cranberry juice flavoring” –
but it had a strong saccharin after-taste.
Fortunately, immediately after that you drink five cups of
water.
Helps wash the taste out of your mouth.
Surprisingly, within the hour my bowels started moving!
Good thing I had the foresight to cancel that 6:30 meeting!
Throughout the frequent trips to the bathroom, my
nurse-kitty accompanied me.
I got up at 6 a.m. the next morning to drink the second
bottle.
Now, keep in mind mateys, the Captain lives about 40 minutes
from the hospital. This could be tricky! Was there a possibility of one last bowel movement somewhere
on the drive over? I was not looking forward to that possibility and began
charting gas stations and other potential stops along the way, just in case.
My appointment was for 10:15 a.m. The Captain is nothing if
not punctual and I arrived early to start the sign-in process. I was taken back
to a prep room almost immediately, but it was still 11:15 before they rolled me
into the procedure room.
Mostly computer monitors.
A couple pretty nurses.
And the machine with the long hose…
Is all that really hose necessary?
At 11:30 the doctor arrived. I heard the anesthesiologist
say, “I’m going to put you to sleep now”.
And then I woke up in the recovery
room.
Wow!
The IV and monitoring devices were quickly removed, the
doctor popped in with photos of my beautiful colon and told me I wouldn’t need
to come back for another 10 years, and the First Mate came to take me home.
Now, here’s the gross part: we stopped for lunch on the way
home, which was about 2:00 p.m. I had part of a hamburger and some French fries.
Even though I hadn’t eaten anything for a day and a half, I still wasn’t
really hungry.
Others claim to crave pancakes when they finish the procedure.
The Captain never "craves" pancakes.
Six hours later I felt my bowels moving.
My lunch came rushing out!
Captain's Note: Normally it takes from 24-72 hours for food to complete the journey from mouth to anus.
Apparently the Clenpiq was still in my system!
Today could be a new challenge!
So that was the Captain’s big adventure this week. I share this with you only to say that if you are one of those who has been putting off your
colonoscopy – either because you think it is “icky” or you are afraid it will hurt or you
are worried about your masculinity – lay those fears aside.
It is time-consuming, but the peace of mind was worth the
two days I gave up for it!
