You Just Can't Un-See Some Things

Okay, mates, here’s the blog I was planning to write a few weeks back.

It is not for the faint of heart.

As the title suggests, you might want to turn away.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

There is a song that runs through my head around this time of year.

Recorded in 1960, the “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini” song has been a life-long part of my music catalogue.

CAPTAIN’S NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with the song, don’t look it up on YouTube just yet.

The song was one of two hits for bubblegum-pop singer Brian Hyland, who was just 16 at the time.

His other hit song was “Sealed with a Kiss” (1962).

“IBTWYPB” (because I’m too lazy to write it out every time) is about a bashful young lady wearing her new bathing suit on the beach.

As the storyline goes, the young lady in her new bikini is “afraid to come out of the locker”. Then, when she gets up her courage, she wraps a towel around herself and sits on the beach. Finally, she makes it into the water but doesn’t want to come out of the water even though she is “turning blue”.

This song is credited with launching the bikini craze of the 60s.

Now, even as a young powder monkey listening to this song, the images conjured up in my mind looked something like this.

Imagine the Captain’s surprise when I actually found the original music video – actually a clip from Dick Clark’s “Saturday Night Beech-Nut Show”.

Here is the girl the song is about…

And, at the risk of being accused of child pornography, here she is in the IBTWYPB…

WTF!

WTF!!

WTF!!!

And why is a 16-year-old boy leering at a 6-year-old girl wearing a bathing suit largely lost in adolescent fat rolls?!?

This is why the Captain wears an eye patch!

So I don’t have to scrub out BOTH eyes with Clorox!

The song was written by Lee Pocriss and Paul Vance, reportedly based on Vance’s daughter, who was too shy to wear a bikini in public.

The Captain has found no information about how old Vance’s daughter was at the time, but many assume a child was used on the television show because the TV censors would not allow a teen or adult woman in a bikini.

In fact, in 1951 the National Association of Broadcasters established its “Code of Practices for Television Broadcasters”. Amongst many other things, the regulations prohibited the display of a woman's navel.

CAPTAIN’S NOTE: You may be familiar with the controversies surrounding the display of Tina Louise’s and Dawn Wells’ belly buttons on “Gilligan’s Island” (1964) and Barbara Eden’s belly button on “I Dream of Jeanie” (1965).

Nonetheless, my childhood has been ruined.

That IBTWYPB will never be the same.

Damn you, TV Censors!!!

Breaking News!

Now, Mates, if you've been following the Captain here for any length of time, you will know there is a consistent theme in my posts.

At some point you will likely find a picture of a beautiful woman... reading.

Just the Captain's effort to underscore the importance of reading.

And perhaps to entice some of you scurvy dogs to pick up a book every now and then!

But a new development may cause that emphasis to change.

With the arrival of the COVID-19 virus comes the advisement from the CDC to wear face masks in public to prevent unintended transmission of the virus.

As I noted in my previous post, there has been push-back about wearing face masks.

Not one to miss an opportunity though, PornHub and other online purveyors of porn have developed a new category.

"Quarantine Porn"  

I shit you not!

Naked women wearing face masks!

Or so I'm told... 

*Ahem*... 

So, to encourage the wearing of face masks, the Captain's new theme may become:

Just doing my part for public health.

As you were.

 

Face Masks in the Time of COVID-19

Mates, the Captain was preparing to write a light-hearted blog today.

It involved a song...

About the beach...

And a woman in a bikini...

But someone ruined that for all of us.

As the great unwashed masses are demanding that the States re-open business in the midst of a pandemic – at the instigation of our deranged imPOTUS – the question of how to do so safely is on every business owner’s mind.

A common request, from the World Health Organization and our own Center for Disease Control – just to mention a couple - is for people to wear protective face masks while out in public.

Since an infected person often is unaware that s/he is carrying the virus – for as much as two weeks – wearing a face mask will prevent that person from transmitting the unknown virus to others.

And wearing a face mask will lessen the chance of receiving the virus from others.

So, over the past couple of months a new cottage industry has sprung up, making face masks.

Oh, no, not the coveted N-95 respirators that filter out 95% of airborne particles that are in such high demand and short supply for our medical professionals who have to deal with sick and dying patients every day.

You can’t have those! People are dying! Stop it!

No, this new face mask industry has opted for creativity over protection:

Most are 2-ply or 3-ply materials, some are designed to hold a filter between the layers.

While not hospital-quality, they will help in preventing the transmission of viruses.

But there has been push-back.

Of course there has been push-back.

That’s apparently the only thing Americans seem to know how to do anymore.

Here’s what triggered the Captain last night:

So, you say wearing a face mask carries potential risks.

Like dying a slow, miserable death alone in a hospital room?

Let’s look at the claims in the meme:

“Reduces oxygen up to 60%”

“Increases risk of CO2 poisoning”

This sounds like my mother when I was seven years old:

“Don’t pull those covers over your head; you’ll suffocate!”

In my 7-year-old brain, my choice was then risking suffocation or being eaten by the monster under my bed.

I was willing to risk suffocation.

I think I made the correct choice.

 

It has been noted that prolonged use of the N-95 respirator can lower oxygen levels by as much as 5-20%. But mates, if your mask is so thick that it cuts off 40% of your oxygen, you need to try a different one.

“Causes increased face touching”

Most people don’t realize how often they actually touch their face. I don’t see a mask making a measurable difference.

And if you wash your hands frequently, that becomes less of an issue.

“Virus and bacteria saturate the outside”

Yes, that is why you are wearing it.

“Touching mask and surfaces spreads germs”

So then, don’t touch the outside of your mask. Referring back to the previous comment, you already know the outside of your mask is “saturated” with virus and bacteria. So don’t touch that side!

To illustrate this better, allow me to share with you the following meme:

If a 4-year-old can understand this, why can’t you?

“Contaminants sit within mask fibers, get reinhaled”

Which is why you should change / wash your face mask regularly.

At least as often as you change your underwear!

[Mates, you know what I'm talking about!]

And finally, a point I think we can all agree upon:

“Fresh air is vital for immune health”

The Captain couldn’t agree more!

That’s why we’re having to produce more ventilators... 

For hospitals to use to treat COVID-19 patients who are unable to breathe on their own.

And that’s why you need to wear a mask!

Still not convinced?

Think of it like the old ethical dilemma of the runaway train. 

The train is barreling down the tracks, out of control, and will crash into the station killing dozens of people. But you are at a switch point and can divert the train to another track where it will only kill the imPOTUS…

Wait. That’s not a fair test…

The bottom line for so many people is that wearing a face mask will inconvenience them.

Well here is the current count of people who have become ill and people who have died due to this virus.

Think about how inconvenienced they are/were.

Think about how inconvenienced the doctors and nurses who attend to them are.

Think about how inconvenienced everyone else is because this virus is still not under control and likely will not be for another year.

Captain’s Note: Did you know that if your loved one is involved in an automobile accident and is transported to a hospital, you will not be permitted to enter the hospital with her?

That is just one small way in which COVID-19 is inconveniencing the rest of us.

So put on the damned mask and quit bitching about it!