[I suspect the Captain'll probably get flamed for this "sexist" post, but you should probably just pour yerself another cup of rum and settle yerself down.]
By now you have probably heard all about the “algorithm”
that determines what you see and don’t see on Facebook.
Granted, the Captain is not a tech wiz, but bear with me
here. I think I've got it figured out.
As I understand it, the “algorithm” is a sneaky little critter that tries to guess what you
would be interested in seeing based on other items you have been looking at.
So, for instance, if you do a Google-search for a used car –
which I did a couple months ago - the next day you will be beset with ads for new
and used cars.
Captain’s Note: I bought the car already! You can
stop with the ads now!
One night the Captain mentioned a product to the First Mate
while outside sitting around our campfire. Somehow Facebook was able to listen in on
our conversation and the next day I had a dozen ads for hot tubs.
The Captain no longer assumes any illusions of privacy.
But I'll warn ya now, you should probably not come snoopin' around after we get our hot tub... savvy?
So the Captain decided to test this little algorithm.
An ad appeared in my news feed from Khol’s, a local
department store. I had shopped there recently, so this came as no surprise.
The ad promoted several different items, so I clicked on the
window showing women’s lingerie.
Nothing fancy. A fairly plain pair of panties.
The next day, my feed was full of ads for women’s lingerie!
The racy kind!
Jackpot!
Thank you, Algorithm!
Captain’s Note: I regularly click on one just to
keep the images of pretty women popping up in place of all the ads for ivermectin, male
enhancers, and the Republican Party.
I suspect they are related... just don't know why they would appear on my feed...
Last week this ad popped up promoting “Women’s Sleepwear”:
Befuddled, I wanted to ask the First Mate if women actually
sleep in this.
What has this ol’ Captain been missing out on?!?
But on to my point…
This weekend we attended a wedding.
As usual, the anticipation brought about the First Mate’s
angst of not having something to wear to the wedding.
I’m not sure what all that stuff hanging in our closet is
about, but…
We long ago established that it is so much easier for men to
get dressed. Basically, men’s fashions are limited to pants, shirt, coat, and sometimes
a tie.
Colors may vary, but essentially, men’s fashions are... boring.
Fortunately, I was encouraged by the bride & groom to wear one of my trademark
silk Hawaiian-print shirts.
You don’t have to ask me twice!
Captain’s Note: I had already decided that’s what I would be wearing
anyway.
We were told not to fret: the preacher would probably be wearing a biker
vest; the wedding was going to be at a biker church.
Nonetheless, we're not ones to let someone else’s poor judgment
affect our choices.
Besides, it was unlikely the First Mate would be wearing a short leather skirt and black fishnet stockings to a wedding.
So she went shopping.
After several hours, she returned – empty-handed and frustrated!
She cried, “There are no clothes in the stores!”
"And especially fall colors!"
So I suggested the black fishnet stockings…
She replied, “No, that’s sleepwear…”
The Captain expressed some doubt about the stores being “empty” - the First Mate might sometimes "exaggerate" a wee bit when she is frustrated - so the next evening we went shopping together.
And mateys, I’ll tell ya, while not exactly “empty”, the
clothing stores look a lot like the car dealerships right now.
Nope, that's a scene from the factory, where the 2021 models are sitting, awaiting the arrival and installation of an essential microprocessor that is in extremely short supply right now.
Car dealerships have been scrambling for months to find used cars to sell - shining them up and parking these 10-year-old bangers on the front line, spacing them about to make it look like there are a lot of them. And the prices for those are sky-high!
To make matters worse, the 2022 models are supposed to be arriving shortly - yes, the auto industry has lost an entire model year due to the pandemic - and still, no microprocessors.
Short on new merchandise, the clothing stores simply place racks of “clearance
items” in strategic locations to make it appear they have stock.
Summer wear that didn't sell.
The Captain suspects the “perfect” dress is still packed away on one
of those cargo ships parked off the shore at Long Beach, awaiting to be off-loaded.
We also noted a significant gap between the “Juniors” section - with all the cute, mid-riff-bearing outfits designed for the 18 to 21-year-old body -
and the “Mother-of-the-Bride” dresses - which on no planet would ever be considered "cute".
Neither of which are appropriate for the
First Mate.
After more than three hours, the Captain was feeling as
frustrated as the First Mate!
I should have carried a flask!
The good news is, while it took all night, we finally found the perfect dress…
hanging in our closet.
The First Mate looked hot, the wedding happened, and the lovely couple is now looking forward to a lifetime of marital bliss.
Friends, lean in her a moment for a word of advice: Cut your mate a little slack in these turbulent
days. Yes, life is hard for all of us. But the expectations placed on women – who often
don’t have the resources available to fulfill those expectations – is exponentially
higher.
If she looks nice today, be sure to tell her.
It probably didn’t come easy.
