Two Things... and then I'll shut up

A news article popped up on my Facebook feed today. 

A child in London was "plowed into" by a Royal Guardsman.

Knocked down.

"Stepped on".

The accompanying photo was this:

Honestly, they look like they’re trying to decide which one of them is going to put the boy out of his misery! 

"No mate, you got to stab the last one! It's my turn now!"

Online outrage ensued in defense of the poor child.

"Nobody is safe!"

Others defended the Royal Guard, who were only doing what they are trained to do while on patrol.

I mean, isn't this the very thing tourists flock to see?

Then the outrage turned on those who defended the Guard. 

"How dare you take sides against a child!"

"...even a snotty-nosed tourist child who gets in the way!"

The Captain was dubious.

First, the "child" pictured did not look like a "child". 

The Captain would say more likely a teenager, but that doesn't get "clicks".

And frankly, teenagers should know better than to get in the way of the Royal Guard!

Then another news service shared the actual Tik-Tok video of the event. It looked like this:

Notice the difference?

The Guard - along with everyone else in the crowd - is dressed in winter gear, not the bright red Summer apparel of the first photo.

So the photo published with the story is not related to the current event at all.

And while the child in the video does look younger, he was not "trampled" by the Guard. 

Yes, he was knocked to the ground - because again, he was in the way - but as you can see in the screen-capture, the Guard took extra care to step over him.

Captain's Note: The report also went on to say the Guard returned later to make sure the child was okay. But did anyone read that far...?

So here's the thing. Actually, two things.

First, when you go to the Tower of London to watch the changing of the Guard, stay the hell out of the way!

That's pretty much my rule of thumb for NASCAR, Old Faithful, and anything involving wild animals.

Captain's Note: Yes, a man was mauled by a tiger at the zoo in Naples, FL today when he stuck his arm through the bars of the cage.

According to Londontopia, royal protocol dictates that foot guards cannot smile or react to the public and the public should avoid touching them. In this type of instance, guards are allowed to shout at the public to issue warnings, which the video shows they did.

So save me your faux outrage and just stay the hell out of the way!

Second, journalism today has sunk to such an extremely pitiful low that, in order to generate more "clicks" and "hits" they will exaggerate any event, use inflammatory language in headlines, and print any photo that will bolster attention to sell whatever totally unrelated item it is they are peddling.

Captain's Note: Now hold on there, Mateys. That there is an important message.

Besides, The Captain has nothing to sell.

Happy New Year to one and all! 

 

Advertising 101

I don't know what "marketing genius" thought this ad was a good idea.

But apparently it worked. 

The Captain bought two - one in black, one in white - for the First Mate.

Shhhh! Don't tell....

Merry Christmas, mates!

Bad Theology

Mates, you have undoubtedly heard by now about the storms that blew across Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois, Tennessee, and Kentucky on Friday evening.

Early estimates indicate that the primary tornado in the storm was at least an F-3 which traveled on the ground a record 230+ miles.

The Captain and First Mate were situated just 20 miles away from the path of the storm. We consider ourselves fortunate.

The most we suffered was the plastic chairs blown off our front porch.

I don’t say we were “blessed” here because that would imply the active hand of God directing the path of the storm. I don’t believe either God or storms function in that way. Besides, as I figure it, why would God choose to “smite” our neighbors to the south but not the Captain?

So, yes, we consider ourselves fortunate. Let’s leave God out of it.

But now our mission is to help our neighbors recover.

And we will.

Recovery will be a long haul for most, as a good portion of the nearby town was flattened!

Being a pastor, your Captain often hears bad theology come from the midst of tragic events.

At funerals, people often say, “He’s in a better place!” or “God just needed another angel”.

Captain's Note: Google the funeral sketch from the Carol Burnett Show.

Our words are supposed to bring comfort to grieving family members.

More often than not, they don't.

Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss” and leave it at that.

One story steeped in bad theology made the rounds several years ago in which an elderly woman’s home was burned almost entirely to the ground.

Nonetheless, well-meaning church folks praised their god for a miraculous sign discovered among the ruins: the Bible on her bedside table was reportedly untouched by the fire.

Not singed.

Didn’t even smell of smoke!

Hallelujah!

Really?

Was that Bible more important to your god than the woman’s home?

In 2019, a fire raged through a church in West Virginia, burning so hot that at one point the fire fighters had to back away.

According to news reports, once the fire was extinguished, inspectors picking through the rubble claimed that not a single Bible or cross was burned.

God is good!

Our Bibles are safe!

...but now we have to build a new church!

Thank you Jesus!

In a similar vein, the Captain recently received a prayer request for an elderly gentleman facing surgery. He is 96 years old, deaf, and missing one eye.

The surgery was to remove his other eye.

Reports followed that the surgery was successful.

Praise the Lord!

Successful? Seriously?

At 96, he is now completely deaf AND completely blind!

Is that the handiwork of a gracious god?

Is it praiseworthy?

Captain’s Note: Frankly, if that were me, I would be praying that the surgery is not successful, that I would be allowed to die on the table!

It frustrates me to no end how some people think.

Or don’t think, as is apparent.

Anyway, following a long Friday evening of tracking this deadly storm on radar and awaking to scenes of total destruction and misery, the inevitable bad theology popped up on Facebook:

Let’s pause and think about this for a moment:

Hundreds of homes destroyed.

Businesses.

Churches.

Government buildings.

More than a hundred lives lost with dozens of people still missing.

But apparently somebody thinks their petty god cares more about this wall of religious kitsch than all that other stuff. 

Folks, your god is a real asshole!

At least no one has (as yet) declared god sent the tornado to punish “the gays”.

Although one POS radio host blamed President Biden and a secret government “weather machine”.

Captain’s Note: The Captain hasn’t heard about a “weather machine” since Luke & Laura did battle with Mikkos Cassadine on “General Hospital” back in the late 90s.

Uhm… not that the Captain ever watched “General Hospital”, mind you…

Ahem.

You want some good theology concerning Friday night’s tornado? Lean in here and listen carefully to what yer Captain is about to tell you…

I’m pretty sure the Bible will back me up on that.

 

What's in a name?

As promised, here’s the light-hearted post the Captain had planned for last week.

It comes from a meme I saw on Facebook not long ago, in which a man says, “I lost my ID in the park.”

His friend replies, “So, you’re just ‘Dav’ now?”

Hey, good night everybody!

I’ll be here all week!

Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

Sorry mates, that’s about as good as it gets right now.

But from that joke the Captain’s mind wandered a bit.

Have you ever thought about names and how we come by them?

Take, for instance, the name “William”.

A good, solid name.

A lot of good men have been named “William”.

But in America we’re lazy. We like to shorten longer names. We call them “nicknames”.

Thus, “William” often gets shortened to “Will”.

Nothing wrong with that.

A perfectly good name in and of itself.

But then we start messing with letters and somehow “Will” becomes “Bill”.

Now how in tarnation did we get from “William” to “Bill”?

And don't get me started on adding an "-ie" or "-y" to the end of everything!

The same happens with “Robert”.

Another good name.

It can be shortened to “Rob” or perhaps even “Bert”.

But then it often gets changed to “Bob”.

The Captain wonders if it is legal to simply name one’s child “Bob”.

And would the nickname for “Bob” be “Robert”?

Or "Bo"?

By the way, some women are named “Roberta”. What would you do with that?

But it gets worse.

“Henry” gets changed to “Hank”.

“John” becomes “Jack”.

“Stephen” turns into… well, you can’t do much with “Stephen”. But if you change the spelling to “Steven” then you can call him “Steve”.

I blame the 60s song “The Name Game”, written by Shirley Ellis, based on a childhood game she used to play. Remember that one?

Shirley Shirley bo berly

Banana fanna fo ferly

Fe fi mo merly

Shirley!

 As children we would sit around singing that stupid little ditty, over and over again, inserting every name we could think of.

And it was all fun and games until we got to “Chuck”…

Which is somehow short for “Charles”...

Well, fuck.

 

 

 

Another One Bites the Dust

Mates, know that your Captain had a light-hearted post planned for today. The past couple of weeks have been intense and emotionally draining. I wanted to lighten things up for a bit.

But then this news broke and I feel compelled to comment.

News broke yesterday of the death of a televangelist credited with starting the largest television network ministry in the U.S.

He died after a lengthy battle with COVID-19.

Captain’s Note: It is the strict policy here at Banana Winds to not mention the names nor show the likenesses of infamous people like mass murderers, terrorists, or televangelists. They will not be glorified here.

It should come as no surprise to find that this particular evangelist was very outspoken against COVID-19 vaccines.

And it should come as no surprise that the list of outspoken anti-vaxxers dying of COVID-19 is growing longer every day.

As a self-proclaimed “man of God”, he declared vaccines were “a sin against God’s Holy Word!”

Captain’s Note: The Captain is well-versed in the content of “God’s Holy Word”, presumably the Bible, and I can’t seem to find a reference to vaccines anywhere therein.

The evangelist frequently made unfounded claims on his television programs about the vaccines:

-“half of the people who received them have died” 

(In the U.S. some 570 million doses of the vaccine have been administered, with 10,00 unconfirmed post-vaccination deaths reported.)

-“the vaccine contains a microchip” 

(The Captain was vaccinated eight months ago is anxiously waiting for his 5G!)

The evangelist and his wife thus refused to be vaccinated, preferring unproven treatments like ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, and I suppose prayer, to keep them safe.

But apparently those treatments were not effective and he succumbed to the virus.

Despite her husband's untimely death, his wife still stands by ivermectin.

Upon his death, family members declared his illness was “a spiritual attack from the enemy”.

Another grifter/evangelist declared, “He’s in heaven with Jesus now.”

Isn’t it funny how when a hurricanes strikes a city it’s attributed to the wrath of God upon homosexuals and other sinners in that city, but when it is one of their own dying of a mostly-preventable virus they blame it on the Devil?

The Captain is not one to give the Devil that much credit. If one believes in an all-powerful, all-mighty God, then the Devil should not be a concern.

Which then leaves us with the God-smiting. 

Now why would God want to smite this televangelist?

Could it be related to his 2010 public confession of adultery?

Captain’s Note: While public confessions are always good for tv evangelists (see Jimmy Swaggert, Jim Bakker, et al), adultery is still a misdemeanor crime in Georgia. 

In the Bible, adultery was punished by stoning both parties to death.

Not surprisingly, the televangelist was neither arrested nor stoned to death.

Or could it be because the televangelist received $3.9 million in government PPP money during the pandemic - supposedly to pay his employees - and two weeks later purchased a 14-passenger jet?

The Captain can name a couple more tv evangelists who could use a little God-smiting.

Or could it be that he refers to his multi-million dollar television network as a “church”, thus making it all tax-exempt?

Referring back to the God’s Holy Word,

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: 

for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

-Galatians 6:7 (KJV)