Friday, August 28, 2015


Full Disclosure: The Captain does not drink coffee. Never has. Love the smell of coffee being ground, but can't stand the taste. That said, enjoy the following...

The Captain has realized that several of my Facebook Friends are coffee drinkers.

Rabid Coffee Drinkers!

In fact, in recent weeks, they have posted several memes first thing in the morning making reference to their need for coffee.

It happens so frequently the Captain fears we are dealing with an addiction.

According to Psychology Today, an Addiction is "a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol,cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work, relationships, or health. Users may not be aware that their behavior is out of control and causing problems for themselves and others."

Fortunately for my friends, coffee addiction is one that society accepts - in some places embraces.

Grocery stores, gas stations, even churches will offer a free cup of coffee to customers. Especially at gatherings of preachers, coffee flows freely, but should you want some other beverage, "There's a Coke machine down the hall. They're 75 cents."

They almost didn't let me be a preacher because I don't drink coffee and I don't play golf!

In social media, the cute little coffee memes are abundant. And, yes, they are humorous. But I wonder if anyone would find them as funny if we substituted a different beverage in the place of the word "Coffee".

Let's see what that might look like:

See what I mean?

Not judging.

Just observing.

You decide.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


At the risk of being accused of “piling on”, here goes the Captain’s take on recent news events.

Last week computer hackers released the names of thousands of clients from the popular Ashley Madison computer dating service.

You know. Ashley Madison.

The company that reminds us, “Life is short. Have an affair.”

The Captain especially appreciates it using a wedding band as the “O” in the name.

Success is in the details.

And of all the people that could have been found out, whose name rose to the top?

Josh Duggar.

Yes, the oldest child of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of the former TLC reality show, “1718… 19 Kids & Counting”.

Yes, at only 27 years old – and married since only September of 2008 – Josh apparently decided that life was indeed too short and took the opportunity to step out on his wife and the mother of his four children.

Frankly, this should be a non-story. There were thousands upon thousands of names released in the data hack.

The Captain’s name was not on the list, by the way.

According to news reports, at least two men in New York have committed suicide because their infidelities were revealed, but we don’t know their names.

But Josh’s situation is special for several reasons.

First, he is a Duggar, part of a growing family that opened its home to television cameras for 10 seasons. They were hailed as a role model for virtuous Christian living – “the epitome of conservative values” – eschewing birth control, homeschooling the children to protect them from the evil culture around them, raising up good Christian children who would become future leaders and redeem the world.


Second, Josh was engaged to his future wife, Anna Keller, for several years before being allowed to marry, during which time they were constantly chaperoned and weren’t even allowed to so much as kiss.

Well that worked out just swell.

Third, in 2013 Josh was given a cushy job with the Family Research Council as Executive Director of its lobbying arm. From that office he traveled the country helping the FRC spread its message of “faith, family and freedom”.

He lost that job earlier this year when it was discovered that as a teenager he had molested five under-age girls, four of which were his sisters! Thanks to some influence from Josh’s father, a former Arkansas Congressman, the charges were quietly swept under the rug.

Josh: "Thanks, Pop!"
Four daughters: "WTF!"
That report remained buried until someone in the Sheriff’s office decided to throw out some old files and dug up this little gem.

And to compound matters, while confessing to having used the services of Ashley Madison, Josh also accidentally confessed to an addiction to porn!

Again... Oops!

That last part was quickly deleted from Josh’s contrived heartfelt public confession, made public on the Duggar family website.

Josh admits, “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever.”

Pretty much.

The Duggar family is humiliated. TLC canceled the family’s show and will not even broadcast re-runs now. Tony Perkins, head of the FRC, is humiliated.

Tony Perkins has the sadz.
And those who have long been calling Christianity a “sham” are rejoicing that such a high-profile Christian has fallen hard.

The Captain does not blame Josh Duggar though.

Yes, I know. It was just last week that I wrote about how men need to learn to control themselves.

Control yourself!

Josh must be ultimately held accountable for his actions. But in this case, I blame Josh’s parents. I blame his Independent Baptist church. I blame the “Institute of Basic Life Principles” to which his parents adhere. And I blame the Quiverfull movement, of which the Duggars are a major part.

Google it if you don't know what it is.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar sheltered Josh. He was given no opportunity to discover who he was; he was TOLD who he was. He was given no opportunity to explore the world; he was TOLD that the world was evil. He was given no opportunity to experience realistic human relationships; his world was limited to his family and his church. He was not allowed to explore human sexuality; he was told that was “dirty” and for procreation only. And when he did find someone that met his parents’ exceedingly narrow expectations for marriage, he was not allowed to learn and grow into that relationship; it was decided for him.

Is it any wonder that once released from his parents’ stranglehold on his life that Josh would want more?

The Captain saw this acted out many times over while still a deckhand in college. Those students who came from small, conservative communities or conservative Christian households arrived on campus as tight as a champagne cork, just waiting to pop! They were most often the first to be carried home drunk from a party, and first to get a coed pregnant.

Your faithful Captain, on the other hand, attended public schools. I learned about sex the more traditional way – Sears & Roebuck’s catalogs, Playboy magazines, and the graffiti scribbled on the men’s room walls.

Ooh, sexy!
Several of my friends smoked pot and used a variety of drugs. In one yearbook I gave to several of them the superlative, “Most Likely to Go to Jail”. I wasn’t interested in what they were doing, but I knew what it was when I saw it or smelled it.

A bottle of beer was the beverage of choice for my grandfather at lunchtime – and even from an early age I was allowed one sip – which made the adults in the room laugh as I made faces at the bitter brew in my mouth.

Captain’s Note to all you Hipsters: My grandfather drank Pabst Blue Ribbon before it was cool!

Stylish too!
Beer was abundant at family gatherings, and at Christmas time the Old Crow was tipped freely into the Tom & Jerrys. Never a big deal.

Dating was a little more complicated. A caring youth director once told our group of wide-eyed teenagers, “Every date is a potential mate.” That made this young captain-to-be a lot more careful about whom I dated. 

When I found the First Mate, I knew I had found something special. Our courtship was short, but intimate. And I knew I had found the right one.

Partners in marriage, partners in life.

We’ve got 27+ years of good – and faithful – marriage to show for it.

From the Captain’s perspective, Josh Duggar is simply the product of bad parenting. It breaks my heart to know that there are many more like him out there, not in the public eye, but misbehaving just as badly.

Or worse.

And so I pray for Josh’s 18 siblings – and others like them – that somehow they will avoid the traps and pitfalls of their oldest brother.

And mostly I pray for Anna Keller Duggar. She, too, was raised in this mindset. She has reportedly already forgiven her husband. Although she has been so terribly mistreated abused by her husband of seven years, she will not leave him. Her brother has offered to take her and the four children into his own home, but she refuses to go. She has been taught that her role in life is simply to be an obedient wife and to bear lots of children.

Josh and Anna ironically lighting a "Unity Candle" at their wedding.
 And she has been taught that divorce is shameful.

One more word of advice from the Captain to all who are quick to judge others. A little phrase I was taught at the knee of my father.

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

It was an odd phrase.

We never lived in a glass house.

But the Duggar family did, if only through the lens of a TV camera. And all of their self-righteous proclamations and all of Josh’s “family values” speeches have now shattered that glass.

And shattered their lives.


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Control Yourself!

[Captain’s Warning: This post is possibly not safe for work. It does not contain explicit nudity, but you may have to explain to your boss – or to your spouse – why you are looking at some of these photos. And if you leave this blog up on your computer screen so that the hot co-worker in the next cubicle might spy it, or you share it with your student intern for whatever reason, you could be sued for sexual harassment. You’ve been warned.]

Guys, the Captain has a word for you today, so lean in close and pay attention.

According to recent news reports, the Missouri state legislature is working feverishly to remedy an apparent crisis in the aptly-named “Show Me State” capitol.

In unrelated incidents, two Missouri lawmakers were recently forced to resign their seats for alleged inappropriate sexual conduct with student interns. One was the Republican Speaker of the House; the other a Senate Democrat.

Yes, we’re talking about both sides of the aisle here.

The Captain is nothing if not fair.

Since then, dozens of other women have come forward to complain about sexual harassment at the state capitol.

So the [mostly male] lawmakers hastily put their heads together and came up with the only reasonable solution.

A dress-code for the [mostly female] interns.

This is not it.

Not it.

Definitely not following the dress code.
Nope... she's a Hooter's waitress.
Mmmmm... wings...

Ahem… Where was I…?

As one state Representative noted in an email to his colleagues, “Removing one more distraction will help everyone keep their focus on legislative matters.”

Wow. Since the Missouri legislators are apparently so easily distracted, the Captain suggests a different remedy, which would be much more effective.

Too extreme?

While a specific dress code for interns has yet to be written – yes, they are serious about this – perhaps the Missouri legislature could learn from a recent case at Woodford County High School in Kentucky.

At WCHS the principal is sending female students home for inappropriate dress, a common story at high schools across the country.

What is this world coming to?

Yes, these shameless sluts at WCHS are wantonly showing their… [gasp!]… collarbones!

Actual WCHS student.

Yes, their collarbones!

Seriously! It’s in the written dress code!

The principal defends this byzantine rule by deflecting blame onto a site-based decision-making committee formed before he took the job. He claims he is just enforcing the rules.

And the reason for this ridiculous extreme dress code?

Showing too much collarbone “may be distracting to male students”.

The Captain is sensing a theme here.

So, because boys / men are so easily distracted, women must be made uncomfortable and forced to cover their entire bodies?

Even their collarbones?

A brief trip through history – and porn – reveals the futility of this thinking and the truth about the depravity of the male mind.

For example, during the Victorian era women wore high collars and long skirts. In those days, a woman showing her ankles was considered inappropriate – and in some places illegal.

And why? Because men had a fetish for women’s ankles!

Later, as hemlines rose, although the legs were usually covered with hosiery, knees became the object of men’s fantasies.

Even the hosiery covering the legs became a fetish – be it fishnet stockings or white cotton tube socks.

I shit you not!

Over time, necklines also slipped lower and men have become fixated on women’s breasts.

Still not the new dress code.
Okay, maybe that was always a thing…

During the 1960’s it was the belly button. In early episodes of TV’s “Gilligan’s Island”, Mary Ann had to keep her belly button covered, as did Jeannie in “I Dream of Jeannie”.

Which brings up costumes. Yet another male fantasy.

The Missouri legislature needs to tread carefully here. Even the Naughty Intern is “a thing”.

The truth is, the male mind is so sexually depraved that it will crave any part of the female anatomy – from the toes to the head, tall or short, fat voluptuous or skinny, covered or not.

What? You think Arab men don’t find these women incredibly sexy?

Now that you mention it, that tall one has very sexy eyes…

All this is to say that we are not going to stop men’s inappropriate behaviors toward women by putting more clothes on the women. Here's why:

First of all, the problem is not what women are wearing, it's what men are thinking.

When I was being considered by my denomination as a candidate for ministry, I was put through a barrage of psychological tests to help determine my mental fitness for the job ahead. While this sort of approach is not fool-proof by any means, it does help the Board of Ministry sort out those who might be entering the ministry for the wrong reasons.

Unfortunately, there is no such test for our elected officials.

Or for high school boys.

Was that redundant?

In addition, we preachers have all had to periodically sit through mandatory seminars on Sexual Harassment and Sexual Misconduct.

That’s usually the official reaction to reduce legal liability after a colleague’s misconduct. 

Why don't our elected leaders have to do the same?

And most important to realize is that these misbehaviors by congressmen are not about sexual desire but about power.

With high school boys it’s mostly about raging hormones.

But you need to learn to control that too!

No, being elected to a high office frequently gives one a sense of unlimited power – which includes the illusion of being able to have sex with whomever one wishes… simply to show you can.

You need to learn to control yourselves too!

The bottom line for the Captain is that the clothes a woman wears – or doesn’t wear – is not an invitation for either a high school boy or a grown man to send inappropriate text messages, to make sexual innuendo or lewd comments, or to grope her.

Listen to me closely here. Unless you put cash in her hand or a ring on her finger, or the woman hangs a sign around her neck declaring, “Take Me! I’m yours!”, then she is not yours. You have no right to do anything but respect her.

Respect her for the student / student intern / co-worker / fellow human being that she is.

And if you can’t, the Captain refers you back to his suggestion about castration.